Double-edged sword?

Question

I've been thinking about one aspect of talking to children about their adoption, and I just can't seem to find any positive way to deal with it.

If you tell your adopted child that you love THEM, and didn't/wouldn't want any other child but them...then that ends up sounding like you're glad that THEY (that one particular child) was separated from his/her parents. If you say you wanted a particular "type" of child, and that the child you adopted fit the profile, it sounds like you WOULDN'T want that particular child if they stopped fitting your idea of the perfect child, which puts a lot of pressure on them.

So, it ends up sounding like you can't say, "I love YOU, I wanted YOU, and I'm so happy to have YOU in my life."

But then, if you say (which is probably, usually, more honest) that you would have taken any child that was offered, then that ends up sounding like you DON'T want/love THAT particular child. And you can't say "God brought us together", because then that's also...

Answer 1

God is involved in everything, even seperating a child from his/her bio parents.  I don't think there is anything wrong with saying, "I love YOU, I wanted YOU, and I'm so happy to have YOU in my life."  It's easy to overthink it but it will all come together in the end.

Answer 2

I agree with you I hate how people adopt internationally because the want a cute asian /african baby to own. thats what it is owning just like one owns a dog a real child you accept and love no matter what not because its the one you have always dreamed of. Also these same people who adopt from other countries they know nothing about are the same people who say WE are from oregon no you are from oregon he is from china why cant they see that when they adopt internationally b.c they wanted an asian looking child then deny that the child belong to someone else. I know this is offtopic but thanks for giving me the chance to say it.some people can adopt the proper way and in an unselfish way but most people cannot they are theives of identity .some people who adopt do love their adopted children like they would love a birth child.

Answer 3

Jim: Parenting is an aspect of adoption. Parents *will* eventually have to face that question sooner or later.

Answer 4

I am a orphan and one thing you can do is not throw adopted in their face all the time. Also back off the relatives who have to drag it up every time, and the family trees people do not put *s next to my name. Why don't you relax and be a parent first.

Answer 5

Acknowledge the loss, and the future.

"I'm sorry that your parents were not able to care for you, but we feel lucky that we will get to know you.  I hope that your mom and dad will come back into your life in the future, and that we will all get to experience YOU."

Answer 6

Where do you come from!?  Just say I LOVE YOU.  That does not mean anything but I LOVE YOU.  It seems as though you need to find a new way of thinking...  if you can't find any "positive way" to say I LOVE YOU to a child, then I *really* think it's something *you* need to work on personally.

Answer 7

I usually tell my daughters, "I feel so grateful that I am your Mom!"  and "I'm so lucky to have wonderful daughters like you!"    This lets them know how much I value and appreciate their presence in my life, but it also doesn't deny or refute the losses THEY have experienced.

Answer 8

My parents just say I love ya man.  Don't over analyze the issue.