Question:

Drug addiction and enabling parents

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I am 34 and have a brother who is 30. He has been addicted to drugs for about 13 years now. The past 5-7 have been particularly bad, because he is now on heroin. He has robbed (including from family), been shot at, stabbed, homeless, jailed-you name it. My parents do not have a lot of money, but my dad married a woman who does, so he is much more comfortable now. All of these years, my parents and stepmother (who has a daughter with a history of addictions), have sent my brother to one rehab after another. My dad has probably spent 30,000 between rehabs, fines, cars and the rest of the stuff. Recently, my brother had been clean for a while, was given a new start in life and blew it after a month when he started on the heroin again. My dad became very upset and FINALLY refused to get involved. My mom promised me she would not take him back, yet she is letting him live with her in a tiny apartment. She and I are not speaking; she emailed me and said he was in an intensive treatment program at day and going to meetings every night. That is a lie; he met a woman who is also an addict and is spending his days with her. He called my dad yesterday and my dad said since he sounded good, he has to communicate with him now and help him.

Meanwhile, my husband and I are struggling to make ends meet. I cannot find work. I finally broke down and for the first time in my life, asked for help. He sent me a check for 200 bucks and told me I can pay it back when I can......he is going on a cruise soon, and they are taking my stepsister and her husband, who is into cocaine.

My dad said I need to stop being so upset. I am so hurt. I have never done anything wrong, my husband is a good man and we are decent people. Yet, all I get is criticism. I have shed so many tears over my brother, I think I am out of them.

Why do my parents favor my brother and my stepsister, who are nasty to them and have no morals whatsoever? They talk to them in a horrible way and expect handouts. It is sickening to watch. I don't get it. They give them everything and will not cut the strings.

My husband is making me send the 200 back. It is not even the money, it is just a question of why? It seems like I am being punished for being decent.

Anyone have a family like this?

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5 ANSWERS


  1. We have a member who is allowed near (family) kids although he is a known pedophile and has been in and out of prison and enabled in every way. I wish he'd have just hit rock bottom and let him kind of work this out on his own for once. The way people help him, this won't happen anytime soon.

    I do not want any money or attention he is getting, merely for him to see what he is doing, and for people to stop acting like he doesn't have a problem.


  2. I totally understand. Sounds like your parents are scared of them (how they would react, what would happen if they don't...) All you can do is be you. Be happy with your husband. All you two need is each other. A few years back my husband and I actually sat down and discussed every person in our lives. We talked about the good and bad with each and decided who we needed to separate ourselves from. It wasn't even as hard as I thought it would be. No family is perfect and you can't change anyone. Just be.

  3. Honey, It's not that they are treating them good and you bad but it sounds like you don't give them anything to worry about!  They are concentrating on a very sick guy (your brother).  I've been through this so many times, lost all of my 3 siblings by the time I was 36!!!  Believe me!  They love you, they just feel that you are safe with your husband and your smart.  Thank god for you in this family, they love you more than you know!  Write them a letter and just tell them you love them, forgive them because they are going through alot too!!!  I'm sending out good thoughts to you!!!  

  4. I understand totally.   been there done that.  I have 2 siblings that are the same way.  Parents hand out to them while I work like H****.  Finally i asked mydad why this is and before he could answer I said I know i am very independent and work and pay my bills and are level headed and u dont have 2 worry about me.  On the other hand they arent and so you take care of them.  He said I guess your right.  Somewhere  down the line God will take care of me.  I know this deep in my heart.  I am not struggling over money I do fine but it is still unfair.  I have accepted his answer and life goes on. I am the better person and that makes me happy knowing they have to struggle daily.Brother been shot 5 times  in prisons 5 times plus stole  frrom family. and sis  addicted  to  pills.  Sounds like oour life  is somewhat  a repeat.   I am 44 and it hasnt gotten any betterr.

  5. Go to Alanon.  Honestly, just do it.  There you will learn how to live with families like this, and what is your appropriate role.

    Ultimately this is about your behavior and responses to their lives.  You have to take care of yourself, while remaining gracious, honest, helpful.

    Alanon friends will help you do this.

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