During a conversation, is it rude to say, thank you but I was asking someone else?

Question

My 11 yo daughter and I were having dinner with my fiance and his 9 yo son and 6 yo daughter. While having a conversation with my daughter (we were the only two speaking), I asked a question but my fiance's son spoke up and answered it. In response, I said "Thank you but, I was asking Diana." After dinner, my fiance said I was rude to and probably hurt his son's feelings. And, suggested that I offended him (my fiance) as well. Was my response to his son rude?

Answer 1

No, it's reality. If you aren't talking to them ..... you aren't talking to them.

What are you supposed to do? Lie and be fake to his son?

Answer 2

No, you were talking directly to your daughter. You were polite in saying you were not speaking to him so your fiance needs to chill out.

Answer 3

Yes that seems rude.  It sounds like your fiance's son was just being social and wanted to share in the conversation.  He is a 9 year old.  You probably did make him feel hurt.  If you want to have a one on one conversation with your daughter, don't do it in front of a group of people.

Answer 4

It is rude to butt into a conversation that clearly wasn't intended to include one, but it is also rude to have someone to dinner and then not include them in conversation.

Answer 5

It depends on the tone of your voice at the time.  Also, it is sad but true but you can be ruder to your own family without offending then than others.  For example - if my mum makes a comment and my mother-in-law says the exact same thing i would be offended by my mother-in-law but not by my mother.  It happens all the time.  i think it is more offensive that you said it to his kid rather than your own.  your kid wouldn't be offended but his might.  It did give the impression that he did but in when he wasn't needed.  Your fiance may have noticed that his son got offended.  Some people are offended more easily than others.  Also, he was only nine.  It is hard to think everything through at the time and I can see that you didn't mean to be rude.  It is tough when two families have to become one.  Also, your fiance should understand that no one is perfect, there are times when people get offended over small things and that it really wasn't a big deal.  I don't know what the conversation was about but maybe it would have been better if you had said "thank you" to the boy and then turned to Diana and said "What do you think".  But that is starting to get a little technical and you don't want to think that deeply about everything you are going to say.  Just say to the boy "I hope I didn't offend you" and then forget about it.

Answer 6

I think it was rude. They are only kids for goodness sake!!=)

Answer 7

at the end of the day noone should but in in to any of your convos its verry rood and if it afended him then up his ars cuz there just as rood

Answer 8

I think that maybe you could have let this slip by.  He is a 9 yr old boy, you are the adult.  These situations are already difficult trying to mesh the family together.  You shunned your fiances child and I am sure you hurt his feelings by doing so.  Try turning the table, how would you have felt if he was the one telling your kid to pipe down and mind her business?  (pretty much what you did).   You both better sit down and talk about how your going to handle situations involving the kids.  You both need to be on the same page.  This transition is probably difficult for all kids involved.  Maybe the boy was just seeking your approval and you shot him down.  Something to think about.

Answer 9

Maybe but it was true was it not he should mind his own buisness

Answer 10

what if either one of them said the same to you... Would you think it was rude? I think so!

Answer 11

it depends on your tone but yes it sounds rude to me

Answer 12

Not at all, I don't know how you could've been more polite.

Answer 13

No it was not rude. If you directed to your daughter with full eye contact then it would be obvious to everyone that you expected an answer from her. As someone else has said it seems your fiance want to make something from nothing.  

Answer 14

Maybe not rude, but had you said "OK, and what do you think?" to your daughter, you would have included all and not pissed anyone off.

Good luck with that, it seems someoen wants to start something over minor infractions!

Answer 15

I am afraid you did hurt the 9 year boy although you were no meant to offend your fiance and his family member, also your tone is also important factor to assess your motivation, anyway, you should not refuse a person who are anxious to join in your life.

Answer 16

I do think it's rude. When you are a family, you welcome everyone's opinion. You should not quiet the voice of a child. It is one thing to confront someone who is butting into a private conversation. But if it was private, you should have been in an isolated place. Not at the dinner table. If my fiance were to say that to my child, I would feel like he wasn't respecting my kid. And therefore, didn't respect me.

Answer 17

rude? that kid got off easy.........

Answer 18

In best victorian etiquette.

It would depend on whether your question was specific to your daughter, or was a general question for open conversation across the dinner table.

You did say that you were addressing your daughter directly, so it may be assumed that you were looking for a direct response from her, in which case it should be considered rude for him to interrupt your conversation, even with a substantive or otherwise acceptable answer, however, as the conversation took place at the dinner table, which in polite company, conversation should be considered to be open to everyone, his interruption may, upon occasion, be excused by yourself, as you suffered his interruption.

To respond to him with thanks, and to further inform him that you in fact expected a direct response from your daughter as the question was in fact directed to her, is not in fact rude.  Although asking a direct question, in a forum for public discourse, such as at the dinner table, is considered quite rude if [the question is] of an intimate or personal nature.  In such instances it is considered to be quite correct to excuse ones-selves and continue the conversation in some other, more private, location.

It should be noted by the casual observer that social fashions, and tenets change considerably through time, and what was hitherto-for rude or vulgar, is subject to ones environ and immediate company.

Answer 19

it could be. i think it depends on how u said it. but i dont think u meant it like that.

Answer 20

i completely agree with john c. if it was enough to make your fiance say something to you it probably was taken in a rude way by both father and son and i would respect that. it's hard for us to hear how it was taken since we weren't there, but i'm sure the son wants to feel included since the families will be blended together and saying that probably didn't make him feel included in the conversation even though he did cut in. don't forget that we all jump and answer things for everyone else, it's life