Embarrassing quandry?

Question

At a dinner party I was placed next to Rupert Murdoch. After the starter I was so tired of his arrogance that I'm afraid I became most unladylike and called him an Ozzy tosser. Unfortunately he came back at me saying he would use his media influence to sully my impeccable reputation. I have nothing to hide..except for a rather embarrassing weekend with the Toulouse rugby team, a tickling stick and a turnip. How might I protect myself from that oaf Murdoch?

Answer 1

Place a Whoopee cushion on his chair and have him sit, the shame of farting will be to much for him to bare and he will make a quick exit where upon you will be beyond the door with your leg extended so that he will fall and bump his head giving him amnesia and thus forgetting how he will ruin you.

Answer 2

Finish him off with a rap battle.

Answer 3

Never fear.  It so happens that I am particularly well-connected in his 'news'paper, owning some 42% of the d----d thing.  

Leave it with me, I'll pull a few strings and by jingo he'll have far bigger things to think about than using his 'media influence' to smite you.

Answer 4

And what a weekend, word has it that a certain fellow, no names mentioned filmed the entire incident. copies of which are selling for £450 or $1000, even a pirate copy of the latest blockbuster is cheaper than that. As for Murdoch the man is nothing short of being a cad and a bounder. His Fleet St. rag is nothing short of scandalous and my servants complain about its lack of softness and absorbency in the servants privvy. Next time you speak to the wretched creature remind him his ancestor  only got to Oz by either stealing a sheep or shagging it. We stand together against upstarts like him, so chin up and chest out, especially the chest.

Answer 5

Felicity Dahling,

Really, you do get yourself into some pickles. Murdoch?  Of all people to antagonise - tsk tsk.

You will be pleased to know that I can help you out.  Mary, my under-the-stairs maid has a brother-in-law who strikes a remarkable resemblance to Mr.Murdoch and he is willing to be photographed in some 'compromising positions' so that you have photographic 'evidence' to counter any threats made by him towards you.

If we have tea on Wednesday we can decide when and where this photoshoot should take place.  Mary suggests we start at Madam La Fennes in Clapton.

Tootles x

Answer 6

Lady Felicity,

I fear there is a more sinister force than Rupert Murdoch lurking about.

just twenty minutes ago ,  I heard Rotter say he was going up the hill to nail Gina spot with his longbow

concerned I rushed over to the telephone directory , only to find there is no listing for Mrs Spot...................I don't know what to do, as I have no idea where she is located or what she looks like for that matter !

do be careful my dear , I wouldn't want to see you get accidentally nailed by this maniac!

Answer 7

He is the most oafish of bores isn't he old girl, still I am looking forward to seeing those topless pictures of you on your private beach in the south of France in one of his publications. Tip top.

Answer 8

you are insane. see a doctor

Answer 9

Well, there are pictures of that night, and I am surprised by the number of uses for a turnip!  

You could simply have him... silenced?

Answer 10

Hello Lady F, I trust you are well ? Ahh Rupert up to his old tricks again is he? Pay him no heed as I will call and remind him I still have 'those' pictures of him, a goat called Celia and a Thai lady boy. If anything I believe he will write glowing stories of you, thus enhancing you reputation even further. As for the uh hum cough, Toulouse rugby incident, would you happen to have a moving picture box version of it ? Cough, for sporting purposes you understand.........

Answer 11

Good evening.

I'm not promising anything but a good friend of mine had a similar problem with Robert Maxwell if you know what I mean.

She later said it was the first time he'd washed up in his life.

Let me know if I can help.