Emotions that come with finding your birth family?

Question

My husband was adopted 24 years ago at birth. He has just decided that he wants to find his birth mother/family. My question is for those of you who have found your birth family after searching or those of you who are birth mothers and have had a reunion with your child after many years.

For those who are adoptees, I would like to know what kind of emotions my husband will go through with this journey and what your relationship was like with your birth family after you met them.

For those who are the birth mothers, what kind of emotions have you gone through throughout the years and the emotions you went through when you met your son/daughter. Also, if you are a birthmother and you have given your child up do you want him or her to find you when they come of age?

Answer 1

You are really acting a very tough question. It is such a personal question that what may be true for one might not be for another. He is going to go through the full gamete of emotions I would say from frustration, to loss, to resent to happiness to closure. Good luck

Answer 2

I personally know a first mom and she would love to have her child find her. She regrets that she ever did it.

No one can predict how it will go. Just start off as you would when meeting anyone.

Answer 3

When I started searching I was trying to fill a void in my life. I had a rift with  my adoptive family and was really trying to replace that relationship with a new one. FORUTNATELY, I didn't find my bio family for 12 years so I matured out of that mindset.

I became confident and comfortable in who I was as an individual without any family (adoptive or bio). It was then that "out of the blue" I was given my bio mom's name and her father's mailing address.

4 months later, I received a letter from my bio grandma. I was nervous and excited. However, it didn't change who I was. Now I have regular contact with a 1/2 sister. I am content knowing them.

Each journey is different. Each individual has to find his/her way. I am still waiting to see if my bio mother will ever want to speak with me. But even if her pain is so much that she doesn't I am content with the pictures and knowing the full story of my birth.

Answer 4

Well, no one can say for sure what your husband will go through...

I know that I went through just about every emotion possible.  Before I found her, I felt mostly anxious.  I was so nervous that I wouldn't find her, or that she might be dead, or that she might not want to know me.  

Once I found her, I was excited and thrilled to get her first letter.  Then I felt some anger and sadness (not at her) for some of the things I found out.  (Her mother had basically forced her to relinquish me.  A social worker had convinced her not to search for me.)  Then I began cycling through emotions of happiness, anxiety (that she might leave again), guilt (was I being disloyal to my adoptive family?), apprehension (what if I didn't feel comfortable around her), and so on.  It is a real roller-coaster ride.  It still is, six months later.  

And  yet, I do not, for a second, regret having found her.  I have missed her for over thirty years.  And she has missed me.  We both have started healing since we have found each other.  I feel a bit more whole now.  

Good luck to both of you.  It's a bumpy ride.  But it's worth it.

Answer 5

As the mother of four(the last baby was the one we gave up) It was very hard to choose to give him up for adoption, but I am trying to prepare myself for : anger, feelings of abandonment,etc... that will come when he contacts me, if he chooses...I sincerely hope that he does choose to contact me, as hard as it will be to deal with those feelings, and I want him to know that I loved him enough to give him a chance at life, instead of aborting him....I carried him for nine months and gave him to people who were better equipped financially to handle him...And He has brothers and a sister that can't wait to meet him...

Answer 6

it's a rollercoaster and it's so different for everyone.

when i was found, i went from angry to more angry to even angrier than i thought i could be; i went through betrayal to my parents and shock of knowing my life will NEVER be the same.

my bmom who was searching for me unleashed 30 years of pent up "what ifs", guilt (no need for that) and other emotions.  it was A LOT to take in and for awhile, i just slammed the door shut on communications after the first month of incessant phone calls.  Then i gradually let her back in but she came out to visit (stayed with me), then her son and his wife came out (stayed with me) and it was just a little too much too soon and just way too wierd for me.

BUT that is only my feelings based on my experience.  I'm one of the ones that can talk about meeting both sides of my birthfamily, etc -- not everyone can do that so i do recognize that; however, there is a lot involved in reunion and it's not all "rainbows and roses".

if your husband proceeds with his search, i can only say that i hope he is respectful of the object of his search and lets the bmom/bdad slowly wrap their head around what has happened.  They have a lot that they will have to uncover and deal with and so will your husband.

Answer 7

Hi Colby,

Congratulations to your husband for making the decision to find his family.  More women than men search, and men usually do after encouragement from their wives.  If I could offer any advice for you, the biggest would be to really be there as his support system.  Searches can consume a lot of time & energy.  At times it can seem to become an obsession.  He needs you now more than ever.  Searching and reunion can sometimes feel like a rollercoaster ride of different emotions.

Some searches take many years.  If there is a support group in your area, you should encourage him to join.  If there is not, then try an online one such as:

http://www.adultadoptees.org

He should also register with International Soundex Reunion Registry:

www.isrr.net

It's free and it's a great international registry.  That one worked for me.  There are also Search Angels available online.

Emotionally, the best way to head into the search would be for him to consider every possible scenario so that he will be prepared for any outcome.  In other words, have an open mind and not a specific definition of what must be found.  Whatever he does find is his story, and that is the one that truth and acceptance will be built upon.  If he is able to complete his search by finding family members, then the search was a successful one, because he will then have his answers and never have to go through the rest of his life in the dark.  If he finds his family and it develops into a good relationship, then that is icing on the cake.  Either way, he will have his truths that are rightfully his, & nobody will ever be able to take those away from him again.  

Another thing I wanted to mention is that searching is not about finding replacement parents to replace the adoptive ones.  In fact, it has nothing to do with the adoptive parents at all.  It's about finding one's self and how one fits in the world.  It's about getting closure for the past so one can move forward.  It's about filling in gaps about ethnicity, medical, nationality, religion, etc. The list goes on & on.  It's about having all the questions of who, why, where, what, when answered.

He will find that life will begin to fit together better once he has a sense of where he came from.  Many adoptees and natural parents report a feeling of peace once they complete their searches.

Speaking as a reunited adoptee, I can tell you it is also one of the most meaningful things I ever did.  I never regret having the answers I have today.  The experience of finding my roots has had a very positive effect on every aspect of my life.  Good luck with his search.  If you, he, or other family members have additional questions, don't hesitate to return back to ask.  Plenty of others have been there & can help along the way.  Again, thank you for being there for him on his journey.

julie j

reunited adoptee