English teachers anybody help me improve my eight-sentence paragraph for my topic?

Question

It says write an eight-sentence paragraph that fully develops the topic. My topic is A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA IS IMPORTANT TO MY FUTURE.

As a student currently enrolled in Penn Foster High School, I can see how a diploma will be vital to my success in the future. After becoming successful my plans are indescribable. Soon I will become a wonderful chef. Then I would open up a restaurant in my hometown. I will earn a better income than a high school drop out. I am going to set a good example for my family in the future. Life will be so much better. They will always remember mama's home-cooked meals.

Answer 1

Read the answer I gave on the OTHER exact same question.

Answer 2

you sound more like you are predicting your future rather than explaining why a diploma is important.

You want to be a chef not just a cook- then you have to go to college which you can't do without a diploma.

You want to open a restaurant? A degree in business management would be helpful- more college

I would suggest rather than trying to stretch it out to 8 sentences write it again with about 10-12 sentences and then cut it down to 8. It wouldn't sound so forced.