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Essay help! Help! =]?

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im writing a admission essay to UT (Austin) I am going to be a senior in HS this coming year.

Heres the prompt:

Choose an issue of importance to you—the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope—and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

I really would like to add a little more to my essay and then close it off. but i dont know what to write about now.

My topic is : Immigration

Heres my essay: (Some might follow in the additional details portion)

Tell me what you guys think! and thanks in advance!

The issue of immigration is of great importance to me as I am a child of immigrants. My parents left India in 1985, coming to America for a better life and a more peaceful environment in which to raise their family. In India, they lived in endless fear and hardship, a great deal of it brought on by terrorists. Bomb threats and even bomb blasts on the trains and in major metropolitan cities was a constant worry, and it continues today.

I recognize the hardships my parents faced in their homeland, and I know how difficult it was for them to leave friends and family and change their lives completely in order to move to the United States. But not a day goes by that I am not grateful they made this decision. I know how lucky I am to have been born and raised in America and not have to face the oppression and hardship of many living in other countries of the world. As Americans we have freedoms such as freedom of speech, where we are entitled to say what we feel is right. In India if you were to express your opinion against the government, you would face imprisonment and execution. We also enjoy equal opportunity here in the United States, as both men and women can get an education, and have a decent profession. As for in India, only a mere amount of states recognize the concept of equal opportunity. For example, schools in the smaller states of India do not provide education to both boys and girls in the same environment. The all girls’ school has a totally different atmosphere compared to the boys’ school. The girls’ school does not have the basic necessities to run a school such as a lack of teachers, and classrooms. As a US citizen I enjoyed being in a decent learning environment, and having the equal opportunity model. Most people do not realize how fortunate they are to live here in the United States; they have not seen nor experienced the troubles that students in other countries face. Immigration has changed the lives of many people in this country. Countless amounts of people have left their home countries in seek for an improved lifestyle and a healthier environment. This decision not only affects them, but also their children and their family. For example, when my parents moved from India to the United States even though I was not born at that time, I was affected by the immigration. Only because when I was born, it was in a nonviolent and diplomatic environment. Therefore, this same process will repeat it its course again when I get married and have kids, they will also be born in the same environment I was born in.

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  1. First, try not to use "we" or "you". It generalizes the person whose reading it and makes the essay weaker.

    Instead try: In America there are freedoms such as the freedom of speech that entitles the American people to express their opinion about what they feel is right. In contrast in India, expressing opinions against the government would result in imprisonment or even execution.

    Also I wouldn't say that equal opportunity is a "concept" or a "model".

    Instead: Here in America, I enjoy being in an equal opportunity learning environment.

    I didn't really understand the sentence that begin "Only because when..." Its not really a complete sentence.

    Instead: For example, when my parents immigrated from India to the US, I was affected my their move because when I was born, it was in a nonviolent....

    Maybe you can move the last part to the first paragraph where you talk about India. Then its more connected and cohesive. To end you might want to elaborate on the education here in America or immigration's effect on education since this is an essay for UT.

    Good luck with applying. :)

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