Ethics Question.. (Finding out your spouse is cheating)??

Question

2 friends of mine (a couple) were recently in a fight, because the guy felt the girl was a little too obsessive.

He found out that she was reading his Emails. From what I hear she didn't find anything, and actually they have only been together a couple of months...

But for example, you live together, share all your money, been together a few years...

If you read your spouses Email, or found something in their cell phone, and it turns out they WERE cheating... Who is at fault?

The person reading Emails and text messages (could be blamed because they are untrusting and sneaky)

Or the person that cheated? (could also be blamed unfaithful and sneaky)

I personally think cheating is worse, but I have heard alot of people that found out this way, getting yelled at for going through the other persons things....

What is your opinion?

Answer 1

This is an interesting question.  I think when a person spies on their partner & constantly accuses them of things it really can bring infidelity into the relationship.  If all you are talking about is cheating all the time then what's on everyone's minds?  Cheating.  It forces the thoughts to the front of the brain.  All day every day all you here about is cheating cheating cheating.  Hello?  And I think some people get accused so often that they figure why not just do it.  Life is h**l anyway.

On the other hand NOBODY should be lying & cheating on their spouse.  If you want to leave then leave but don't lie to people.  It's just wrong & hurtful to everyone involved.  And if you know that your spouse is a spy then why receive emails or texts with details of your infidelity.  It's just plain stupid.

I really believe that some women/men really want to find something so they can prove themselves right.  It's almost like they are determined to prove that their husband/wife is c**p even if they aren't.  There are plenty of people that snoop for years on end just waiting for what they believe to be the inevitable & that's no way to live.

I have been cheated on in the past & I admit to doing some snooping of my own when I met my husband.  I wanted to be SURE I wasn't going to get the wool pulled over my eyes AGAIN.  He knew I was doing it.  He just rolled his eyes & waited for me to get over myself & I did.  He trusts me completely with his privacy & that's how it should be.  I don't check his phone, I don't check his internet history, I don't check his emails.  It's all available for me to do so anytime I want but I will not disrespect my husband like that.  He doesn't deserve it.

Answer 2

The person cheating is to blame that is just there way of trying to shift the blame only a fool falls for that. Besides if they weren't cheating in the first place the other person wouldn't have been compelled to check behind them. People know when something is shady.

Answer 3

Both people are wrong. If I found out my husband was cheating, I would have to find out from him. Either his actions, non actions, or difference in character would let me know that something was out of the ordinary. I wouldn't find out due to me snooping around through his stuff, though. I'm not a snooper. My husband is the kind of guy that when something is out of the ordinary, he'll speak on it even if it hurts my feelings. My husband knows that I would never divorce him for cheating but I would for deception.

If I felt reason to suspect my husband, I'd simply ask him what was going on. If it turned out that he was cheating and I was the type of woman to end the marriage because of it, I doubt I'd feel bad because he lied or feel stupid because I thought I was being duped. I'd take satisfaction in knowing that I did absolutely nothing wrong and consider it his loss that I'm no longer in his life.

Not to mention, if he wasn't cheating, how could I justify snooping through his things? If I was to go to him and say that I felt something was wrong and needed to know for myself, that would be grounds for him to get upset because I felt that I had no trust in him. Like I said, luckily I have brutally honest husband who would let me know that he was cheating and why. I encourage that type of honesty between us and trust that I wouldn't be left in the dark. I'd certainly tell him if I was cheating.. but then again, if I am cheating then that's a sign that something is wrong and the issue would need to be address anyway.  

Answer 4

All is fair in love and war!  Snooping is gross, but so is cheating.  And the way I see it is if he has anything for you to find, then he wanted you to find it.  

Answer 5

My opinion is that the person who went snooping did so out of some instinct that something wasn't right to begin with.  Now if someone is snooping without any evidence or instinct that something is "off" in the marriage, that is a betrayal of trust.  However, it is far worse to be cheating emotionally and/or physically with someone outside the marriage.  People who are "caught" try to deflect some of the attention and blame by pointing out the other person's bad behavior, but it's just a tactic.  One wrong is much worse than the other.

Answer 6

I was with my ex for 11 years and NEVER had to check on his emails, phones, etc, until he started acting SUSPICIOUSLY.  And since he changed how he acted, avoided coming home, etc., I took the initiative to look for proof before I confronted him.  And I did have proof.  So I think it was his own fault that led to me need to seek answers, because I tried, and tried, and tried to talk to him and he would just say that nothing was wrong.

Answer 7

When you look for trouble you find it and in her case she found out her spouse was cheating. Something he did or said made her snoop through his e-mail. If he was doing what he was suppose to be doing she wouldn't have suspected anything. If she is a snooper by nature then she might want to rethink being a relationship. Is she insecure?

Answer 8

Snooping is not a defense for the cheater.  The cheater is always at fault.  

What harm is done by snooping if there's nothing to hide?  The snooper has their own issues (trust, etc.), but how does that really hurt anyone other than themself?  Yes, in extreme cases where that person acts out because of their insecurities - other people can be negatively affected.

Answer 9

I don't know which is worse because snooping and cheating are BOTH reprehensible.  Once a person starts snooping the relationship should end regardless of what is found because it indicates there is no trust.  I would never cheat, but if I found out my history or phone records were every looked at I would end the relationship immediately with no questions asked because I can not be with someone who does not trust me.  I also feel that once a person starts snooping (or cheating) they are just looking for an excuse to end the relationship.  Cut out the games.  If you are unhappy, leave.  Simple as that.  The Maury generation is disgusting.

Answer 10

The cheater is always at fault.