Etiquette on accepting an apology and moving on?

Question

My MIL has always been pretty petty and nasty -- she likes to pitch fits and yell, scream, and swear when she doens't get her own way. We have a very hard time dealing with her, but I always try to just move on because it's my husband's mother.

Recently we had a big one and she said some VERY hurtful things to him and then to me, and we both stopped talking to her for awhile. She called my husband and gave him a sincere, heartfelt apology, saying she wanted to apologize to me too but was going to wait a couple days.

2 1/2 weeks go by and she calls me and only says "I'm glad we're talking again... now that that's over.." and started blabbing about other things. That's literally ALL she said -- no "sorry." I told her how I felt about her blowing me off, and she STILL didn't say sorry. Then e-mailed me and said "Sorry you can't just move on and forget things, I really am sorry for what happened but forgetting it is whats best for our family."

My husband thinks that's an acceptable apology, I don't. I refused to talk to her until I got one. Now it's starting to cause a rift between my husband and I because he thinks I'm being too needy but all I want is for her to say "I know wronged you." That's it! Part of me thinks I should just move on and make nice even though I dislike her and her company to do whats best for my marriage. The other part of me thinks I should hold out and send my hubby over on his own to spend time with her when he so chooses, even if it puts distance between him and I.

What is the right thing to do, please? I tried e-mailing her to explain that I really did want to move on but I needed her to at least acknowledge she acted inappropriately to me. She had blocked my e-mail! So I tried calling and she didn't answer. So, I left her a text message saying that I really wanted to try to work things out with her and I had a letter to send her, so please either unblock my email or call me so I can read it to her. I just don't know what else to do!!

What if she refuses to say she was wrong, or tries to twist it around on me? What do I do?

Thanks!

Answer 1

I know this is a hard situation, and you have every right to feel you have been wronged. But is it worth the troubles it is causing with your husband?

Some people have a very hard time apologizing, especially people who behave the way she does (throwing fits, etc.), and she may very well be embarrassed about her behaviour. She did acknowledge that she wronged you, and it may not satisfy you in terms of an apology, but it might help to recognize that it's a step in the right direction.

The idea behind the apology would be to be on good terms with her again, and it will be hard to do this if you're frustrated because you're not satisfied with her apology.

Sometimes we deal with difficult people and we need to be the bigger person so that we can get on with our lives and not grow apart from the ones we love, i.e. your husband.

Evidently, his relationship with his mother is quite different, and he may know her well enough to know that this is the best apology you will get out of her. You may not be satisfied with it, but you cannot force her to do it on your own terms, and in the meantime, you are unhappy and growing apart from your husband.

By refusing to talk to her, you are perpetuating the situation, and since she seems rather volatile, even the smallest thing (like expecting an apology when you've been hurt!) sets her off.

Let the water run under the bridge. Next time you talk to her, don't bring it up and just let things slide for some time. This is not pretending nothing is wrong, it's just giving you both time to get over the situation.

She blocked your email and is not talking to you, and that is a bit childish. But don't play her game. Stop contacting her and let go of this incident altogether. Work it out for herself instead of looking to her to resolve it for you, as it doesn't seem she is capable of doing so.

She can't block you forever. When she eventually speaks to you again, try to be welcoming, even if it's difficult. She may not apologize, but by saying things like "I'm glad we're talking again" she's at least demonstrating that she wants to have a relationship with you and that she appreciates you to some degree.

You will have to accept that you cannot change her, and you can only change your way of dealing with her for the purpose of self-preservation. Refusing to talk to her until you get an apology is a bit passive aggressive in my view, and evidently you realize it is unpleasant when she treated you the same way.

End the mindgames and be the bigger person. When things settle down, and after some time, you may have an opportunity in the future to tell her, with more clarity, how you feel. In the meantime, try to prioritize your relationship with your husband.

Answer 2

Get over it. The woman is never going to give a proper apology and will most likely in the future say something else to upset you. It's great that your husband is on your side, but it's his mother and he obviously loves her and isn't going to choose between you (and if he does it may not be you, sad but true). Just learn that you have to deal with this difficult woman on your own terms. Deal with her as much as you have to and learn to let all of her remarks just bounce off of you (I know it is not easy, but it will get easier).  You did not say anything  about having kids but if you do just imagine how they are feeling.  Kids know when things aren't all OK, even if you try to keep if from them. That woman is their grandmother.

Be the bigger person and just move on, you'll feel better in the long run. It takes a lot of time and effort to stay mad at someone. Do it for yourself.

Answer 3

Let me answer this from a different angle.

"Sorry you can't just move on and forget things, I really am sorry for what happened but forgetting it is whats best for our family."

NO, no, no!  That is not what is best for the family.  What is best for the family is that she work on her attitude.  It will happen again and again.  Remorse and repentance go hand in hand.  Your MIL is sorry that there is stress but she's not repentant- at least not yet.

This isn't about just forgetting things.  This is about how the MIL is treating her children.  

Some children move far away and keep their distance because of difficult MILs.  They can only stand to see the MIL for so long and only so often.

I agree with one poster that the apology you have received is about as close as you're going to get.  She is not going to say it in the exact convincing language that will make you feel better.  It doesn't sound like it is in her to do that.

I believe what you are really wanting to hear isn't so much that she was wrong but that she acknowledge that she needs to clean up her act or her attitude is going to continue to drive a wedge in the relationship.

Don't allow your MIL to come in between you and your husband.  But I think you are going to have to have a face to face talk with her and lay things out on the table.  Explain to her what is working and what isn't working.  If she's willing to listen and to change rather than continue trying to lay the guilt trip on you that will tell you that she truly is sorry.

Answer 4

There's a philosophy called "taking the high road" and it is sometimes very difficult, but it's often the right (and best) thing to do.  I think it is the path you need to take.  It's very clear your MIL is an extremely difficult woman, and even she seems to realize it on some level. Your husband it your priority, and since this nonsense is upsetting him (even though it's  her lack of humility), I'd move past this and just treat her politely and calmly, with as much warmth as you can muster.  It's for him, not her.  

Answer 5

I think that "..I really am sorry for what happened..." is as close as you're going to get from this unrepentant nutcase.

Answer 6

You need to tell her "Yes, I'm willing to forgive and move on, because you're my husband's family, and that's important to me, but just because I forgive doesn't mean I forget!! Every time you say hurtful things is one more chip away at our friendship. It's getting harder and harder to deal with your hurtful words. Please try to remember that whatever you say to us is etched in our memories forever. I love my husband and when you hurt him, you hurt me too."

Don't wait for an apology. She's already given you her version of one.

She sounds childish. She may not ever change.

Answer 7

Think about it and do you think that even if she apologizes this time that it wont happen again.  Of course it will. I think as much as it sucks you should just let it go and be done with it.  I don't think it is worth hurting your relationship with your husband over it. Let it be done and be civil but don't go out of your way to be extra nice or anything. Just let it be and ignore this one and every other fit she has.  Some things will never change and it is not worth getting upset about them.  You will stress yourself out over nothing. She is at the age where she is who she is and nothing will change. Your going to have a long life with her in it.  So you need to practice how to let her go in one ear and out the other, otherwise  your going to end up hurting your marriage over a crazy lady.  Good Luck!

Answer 8

She did apologize, although late and by email.  Take the high road and move on.  Why jeopardize your marriage?