Evaluation and Suggestions?

Question

Please read the first section of my story and evaluate it!

GOOD AND BAD POINTS PLEASE!

An old man was sat before the fire place, warming his hands when a terrible crash flew echoed through the room. Shards of shattered glass were flying everywhere, one piece embedded itself into the old mans cheek creating a gaping gash. The old man flew into a violent rage and stormed out into the front yard of his house. He confronted five teenage boys who were stood on the bridge over the fast flowing river.

"What do you think you're playing at?" He shouted "Chucking stones at my windows! Look at my cheek"

"It wasn't us sir!" One boy said before he collapsed into a fit of laughter.

"What's so funny boy? Think it's a laugh to attack people? Yeah? Well you thought wrong!" Grabbing the boys by their shirts he dragged them inside...

Once inside the house the old man tied four of the boys up and lead the other one into a small room.

"Wh...wha...what are y...you going t...to do to me?" The boy stuttered

"You'll see..."

The old man broke the boys neck with an almighty crack and stuffed his limp, lifeless body in the corner. He then headed out and fetched a second boy, stabbing him fifteen times in the chest, the three boys that followed all faced similar fates.

Later that night an old man drowned in the river that flowed outside his house, witnesses said he was dumping some big black bin bags in there when he lost his footing and slid down the bank. A nation wide search was opened up in order to find the five missing boys but in years to come it was decided that they too had fallen victim to the fast flowing 'fiume della morte'...

Thanks in advance (:

Answer 1

okay: get rid of the word 'flew' from the first sentence, it doesn't make sense

         "one piece embedded itself into the old mans cheek creating a gaping gash." i think you should mention the gash before the embedding - something like 'one piece created a gaping gash in the old man's cheek before embedding itself in the flesh'

         he couldn't have dragged five guys inside at once - maybe have him drag in three and then run after and catch up to the other two and bring them in as well

        

         for such an action-packed piece, it's a bit on the short side. maybe you could add in some more description to fill it out

other than that i though it was pretty cool! you have me wondering about the rest of the story now...

:]

Answer 2

I quite like it :)

Answer 3

     'When a terrible crash flew echoed?'  Little mistakes like that which I'm sure you'll pick up yourself on re-write.  It's really very good.  A nice bit of poetic justice.  Remember to indent your paragraphs.  Apart from that, well done.  Try reading your piece into a tape recorder and then playing it back.  You can pick up mistakes more easily like that, I think.  Keep at it.  Talent lurks there in the depths!!

Good luck

Mike B