Question:

Ever feel like you have nothing left? Thoughts of poem?

by  |  earlier

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"Broken" (newest version)

The water falls.

Soaking dark strands.

Hiding the streams,

that grazes the edge,

of worn out eyes

A broken spirit,

closed to admission.

emotional meddling

won’t dull what’s empty,

or end this killing.

Economic raping;

Mind is shaky

Holding onto breaks-

Not the lucky ones.

The ones that maim.

It’s harder to remember,

As the mind spins

Hamster wheel turning

in repetitive motion.

Focusing on what’s broken.

No signs of stopping.

Day after day-

Sadness is gathering,

inside ruby walls.

A tightening lump

Screams shuffle in wait

short of releasing

Its harder to depress

This new repression

Dreaming of winter

Summer in squalor

Glaring life failings

Melodic lyrics cannot lighten

Tubal transmissions,

drive in celebrity.

Encrusted pinky fingers

Bottomless pockets

Disgusting extravagance

Diamonds on puppies

Turn it off; make it go

never mind-

it will be a friend-

in the sleepless night

Another meal skipped

Stress appetite full

The day will drop

Ushering the new,

Same old sequences.

Mundane pummeling-

Body falling

Leave it where it lays.

Don’t bother calling

The fee is too costly

Copyright 2008

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9 ANSWERS


  1. It seems that nearly everything that can be said, has been said, simply and eloquently, in a way that can seldom be improved.  


  2. Talk about an hypnotising poem that grabs your atention! Reallity of death and the tiny light shines through by means of a puppy  that gives unconditional love and a ray of hope!  Blessed be are you!  Thank You for this beauty of words so poetically true!  Cheers!!  

  3. DL You may lots of changes, you even added new lines. I like both versions.

  4. OH FUUUCCCCCKKKKK YEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

    I love it like a fat kid loves cake...

    Simply amazing

  5. This feels so much stronger.  I felt pulled in, each stanza in logical and beautiful progression.

  6. "Hi",

    It dose appear a bit more catchy to the eye when putting it in stanza's.

    But both version I liked. Unfortunately I can't compare it, as the other version has been deleted.I think you may have changed some of the words again. It hasn't effected the poem in any way. In my eyes.

    WELL DONE!

    Cheers : )

  7. Yes, I agree with C.S. stanzas bring out the poem more.

  8. Stanzas help define this much better. To me there is still some choppiness as I read, but could just be me.  What happened to your first version?  I went back to look and it was deleted.    There is a strong message that comes through your lines.  

  9. Liked your 'Disgusting extravagance".  Normally I don't 'do' dark, but I can appreciate the offering...yours flows well.

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