Ever feel like your children take away from your marriage?

Question

is this just me or do most people go through this - - ?

I have 3 young boys and I am in my late 20's married for 6 years.

Sometimes I just feel like I should have waited. I know I know - Too late now : )

Answer 1

I agree with Solid Snake!!! When both parties are involved with raising the children it becomes a team effort. When one person seems to be feeling as though they are putting in the time, but the other one is flipping the remote it becomes who does and doesn't do what. People seem to forget that the marriage comes first no matter! If you surely love your children and want the best for them show them how much you love and adore your spouse! Apart from structure and household rules children thrive on acceptance and love between their parents. When husband's and wives forget to take the TIME to show each other love on an everyday basis it just becomes a bad habit!  

Answer 2

good example why people should put off having kids until they have had time to enjoy each other. Once the kids come some of the fun is out the window.  

Answer 3

I wanted to thank you for asking this question.  I've reading through all these other questions all night looking for one like this b/c my husband and I are in that rough part of the marriage where we've let the jobs (we're both self-employed) and the raising of our child become more important than our marriage.  We've both been depressed and walking on eggshells for a week or so trying to figure out what to do next and where our marriage is heading.  I'm not sure how it'll all turn out but I'm trying to think positive and start insisting on the little things that always made us feel connected before - a kiss hello (a real one, not just a peck), holding each other in bed instead of just staying on our respective sides of the bed, stepping away from the TV/computer/etc to really talk/listen instead of listening half-assed.  We've hurt each other badly without meaning to through our actions and words towards each other and are trying to learn to trust each other again and find those feelings that made us so happy before.  It's scary, but reading these answers I see how easy and without noticing it, the little things have just slipped away from us.  

We both love our son dearly and I wouldn't trade him for anything but in the end he'll grow up and have his own family, as it should be, and in the end it's my husband I want to grow old with, travel with, spoil the grandkids with, so we have alot of work to do to make sure we get there together.  

Thanks for the Q, and thanks also to Slider72 for the very insightful answer.

Answer 4

i don't think its the kids that take away from your relationship i think its your life  style that takes away from the precious time you could have with your kids.  there is kid time and then there is adult time and there will be plenty of adult time later especially if you started early and the more i think about it the more your question sound like you are immature adults.  By the time you reach 50 y/o your kids will be grown and gone and you don't realize how much life you have left at age 50,  plenty.

Answer 5

is your marriage not like it was when you were dating?  less exciting?  instead of having s*x do you and your spouse just crash in bed tired at night from raising three boys?  

---yup---it's called marriage/kids

everyone gets thoughts of would've, should've, could've,  but GROW UP!

if your having doubts, you better be real! sure before you do something stupid and throw your family away.  

Answer 6

Kids come first. They didn`t ask to be born, it`s your responsibility to care for them the best way possible. All relationships go through transition when children are born. At that point it`s important to grow as a family.

Answer 7

Please and try and enjoy them. They will be grown and gone in a blink of an eye and you will have years to add to your marriage. I think regardless of your age that period of time when you are raising young children is overwhelming. It's part of the midlife crisis. You totally forget who you are. Hang in there and make time for your husband whenever possible. You absolutely need time just for the two of you so plan a date night and get a babysitter at least once a month even if its only for dinner or a movie. Good luck!

Answer 8

To be brutally honest, yes and no.

I am 33 and have three children 5 and under.  By no means do I regret having my children or do I wish I waited to have them.  By the time I married my wife at the age of 26, I had travelled a ton (20 countries), partied like a rock star, and drank enough to last two lifetimes.  I was ready to settle down with a wonderful woman like my wife when I got married.

Children are a ton of work though.  This is the part where I say they take away from the marriage.  I am fortunate enough to work from home and my wife is a SAHM.  We work together to raise our children as a team.  Despite our best efforts, there was a time where raising the kids was taking so much of your time and effort, we really became roommates that happened to baby sit.  We just never seemed to get enough done in the day to have "us" time at night.  There were rooms in our house that constantly looked like a war zone brought to us by Mattel.

The scary part of this time was that we were only living for our children, not for "us".  We were fortunate enough that we started talking about the problem and reprioritizing our lives.  We made several minor adjustments in our life and we became lovers and husband & wife again, not just live in baby sitters.  It was amazing how easy it was to neglect our relationship and to think we were doing the right thing in the process.  

At the same time, I can not nor do I want to imagine life without my children.  Despite the "rough" time we went through in our relationship, the kids did take things to another level with my wife and I.  Each day we are seeing the results of something we made and molded together.  We watch the youngest take her first steps with her cute little Crocs on while our oldests tells us about her first day at Kindergarden.  There is something satisfying about looking at our kids and saying "Wow!  We're doing a good job".  In this aspect (and in other aspects), the kids enhanced our marriage.

There are times I wish we were DINKs (Dual Income No Kids for those unfamilar with the acronym).  I miss the times where we could pick up and leave on a moments notice if we got a burr under the saddle for some reason.  I do miss the staying up late with a bottle of wine and a pack of smokes, watching movies or late night TV.  However, in the end, I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

So to answer your question, there was a time where the kids took away from our marriage.  In some ways, the kids made things in our marriage better.  

Answer 9

Not at all. They certainly take time away but you just have to be creative enough, motivated enough and have your marriage take priority over "other" distractions to make up for lost time. Our kids amaze us, keep us focused and remind us why we decided to get married and start a family.  We've been married for 17 years and we have 4 kids. Our friends chide us for continuing to act like newlyweds. We're still very much in love and find many ways to keep close, connected and care for our family's primary relationship. Without us, everything else crumbles. If your boys are young (God bless you on both accounts) keep in mind that they wont be young forever. There is a phase of motherhood where you just feel like everything is a blur of bottles, diapers, PB&J sandwiches and laundry. I promise you, as they get older it gets better. You kind of come out of that blur and start to regain your focus again. If you're noticing this about your marriage, maybe that's happening now. Take the heads up as a way to really focus on reconnecting as a couple and get things headed in the right direction again. Some things we've done to stay connected: Long weekends alone, read books together, lay in bed and....just talk...., take up a hobby together, do something extreme together (we took up spelunking and wow). One of the most important things we've done is to really make an effort, a few times a week, to just BE together when the kids go to bed. No laundry, no tv, no computer, no working on separate things, just be....it's a great way to enjoy each other and be on the same page. Good luck :)

Answer 10

No, I don't believe that at all. My 2 boys who are all grown up now, never took away from anything. My wife and I, before she passed away, would always take care of our kids together. So now instead of the typical time, where the wife takes care of the kids and the husband sits on his fat *** and never does anything to help, so they feel like they are strangers. We connect, and get through the day.

Answer 11

Sometimes they do. Try to plan a date night and never cancel on it...it's very important for you two to have one on one time without the kids to interrupt. Consider an evening picnic in the backyard after the kids go down for the night and you can't get a sitter. But if you can get a sitter, go out. If $ is an issue, go to the park for a walk. Even leave little notes some where fun, in his pocket, on the dash of the car, his lunch box, on the mirror in the bathrm written lip stick....be creative...have fun with it...just learn to take a time-out for yourselves.

Answer 12

Look forward to your 50's (and beyond) with your husband!  My wife is 41 and just had our 4th child.  We will be in our 60's before we get to enjoy each other alone!

Answer 13

Yea me too. 19 and a month old boy. Love him to death but wish that I had him after I experienced the whole college and clubbing and partying part.

Answer 14

If you are that passionate about your opinions you should start safe s*x programs in your neighborhood and schools. Get other people involved who feel the same way as you do.

I personally adore my kids and am always aware that today could be the last day I hold them in my arms so I cherish every single second with them. They are never in the way and I can never be with out them. They make my world better and stronger...even my marriage.