Everton FC and the mystery of the pink riding hood
It’s the first day of the season and we already know Everton FC would be acting funny for the rest. No, it’s not because they lost to Blackburn Rovers, of all teams, but because… they are wearing pink -Shocking pink on the road to be a touch more precise.
That’s bold, I tell you - A bunch of fully grown men sprinting across the park for all to see. Wait till they take a trip to Anfield.
So what is it? Is it the feminists in the Everton and/or Umbro clan who affected this phenomenon, and decided to make a bunch of muscle-packed and sweaty, angry young men work for something a bit more sensitive like breast cancer awareness, or just the idea
that the Toffees decided to take their nickname seriously after all?
Let us bring a bit of logic in here to resolve the problem, with all due apologies to Aristotle. Suppose the reason behind Everton’s dismal start to the season is their away kit, and that the away kit is there for a reason and the reason is there because
someone had given it its consent, which is obviously for some reason, itself.
Therefore, the reason behind the dismal start of Everton is the reason for which somebody gave his consent for the pink kit. Now for the service of Everton Football Club and, hence, humanity, we must find out ‘Who that person was and the reason behind his
consent.
Of course, we all know what the hierarchal status of Everton FC is so before you try and dismiss the problem with mere two plus two mathematics, think again. We’re all adults here, after all. Mathematics is not our concern.
Suspect Number One: David Moyes
They’re saying nowadays that the Scotsman has lost his golden touch. Now, since he has lost his golden touch, he must have gained a touch of some other colour to replace it. Which colour is that? It could well be pink. However, the ‘ruddy’ Scotsman is hardly
likely to be that soft. This brings us to our next suspect.
Suspect Number Two: Mikel Arteta
If you’ve seen any of his interviews, you’d know that Mikel Ama-whata-middlenames Arteta is a rather soft-spoken gentleman. A bit too soft-spoken for his own good, it seems (do not be misled by his performances on the field) for that makes him the softy
we are looking for. If there’s anybody in that Everton line-up who’s likely to like pink, it’s him.
Suspect Number Three: Tim Cahill
Well, no arguments against him but he just looks like a culprit, doesn’t he?
Suspect Number Four: Marouane Fellaini’s 'Hairdresser'
Marouane Fellaini is six-foot-five. He’s fairly brutal on field. And he’s hardly ever clean shaven. Then what the h**l is up with that hairdo of his? Now don’t tell me with all the advancements in hairdressing sciences, they haven’t found a way to kill all
that fuzziness.
So, if it’s not out of necessity that Mr. Fellaini carries all that dyed cotton candy on his head, it has to be out of choice. Now whose choice is it? Fellaini himself seems to be the unlikely option (have you seen the rest of him?). That leaves just one
person – his hairdresser. His hairdresser, yes! He obviously has ulterior motives behind trying to give a perfectly uncouth looking young man a touch of femininity. He is our suspect number four.
So there it is. Four suspects lined up. However, since the issue is grave and humanity is at stake, we cannot do a Scotland Yarder and make up our minds too soon. If there’s anything we ever learnt from Sherlock Holmes and his chronicles it is never to act
like a Scotland Yard inspector unless you want to look like a fool at the end of each and every “adventure”.
Therefore, we shall have to consider more possibilities. We shall have to study more people associated with Everton Football Club and scan them for traces of ‘pinkness’ so that we shall get to the real culprit. And, hence, discover the true reason behind
the club’s dismal start to the season. So God be with us.
Off the record: If Everton’s start is “dismal”… what’s Liverpool’s?
(The writer mixes fact with humor and apologizes in advance to any Everton/Liverpool fan that finds it offending in any way.)
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