Ex-boyfriend died. Sympathy card to his widow?

Question

I dated a guy for two years in high school, and spent first year of college briefly getting back together and breaking up (and breaking his heart multiple times). It was a long distance thing and I didn't really think it would work.

He and his wife have been together for 14 years and married for 12.

I've sporadically stayed in touch by email, and was on his Christmas card list, and got his emails with pictures of and stories about his kids.

He had a long bout with cancer.

I have been crying some, but mostly when thinking about his kids growing up without him. His youngest son doesn't quite understand.

People have asked me "is he the one that got away?" and I say no. He was much better off with his wife than he would have been with me.

I think he and his fiancee/wife were trying to keep me at a safe distance.

I just now realized that she probably knew him, at least as an acquaintance, when I was still dating him.

I had thought of writing a card to his widow, something along the lines of:

He was a nice sweet guy, and you were really good for him. Give the kids an extra hug for me. I know this must be very rough on you all.

Any thoughts about wording?

Answer 1

Under the circumstances, I probably wouldn't send a card to his wife.  It might just stir up some trouble.....she might wonder if he had been seeing you again.......and because he's dead, she can't ask him or talk to him about it.  You said yourself that you thought the two of them were trying to keep you at a safe distance.

If I was his wife, a card from you would be like putting salt in the wound.  She has enough on her plate at the moment and she'll be grieving the loss of her husband.  The last thing she needs is to be getting a sympathy card from his ex girlfriend.  As a funeral director and bereavement counsellor, I can tell you that you would be doing more harm than good.

Answer 2

I would not send a card.  Pray for his children

Answer 3

if its how you truly feel, a card would be in good taste. Not sending a card sends out signals that you're bitter about not being with him and she doesn't deserve your sympathy.

I would send one.

Maybe you could become great friends? :)

Answer 4

If it will make you feel better, send his widow a condolence card.  

Answer 5

I would certainly send a card. Something like, "I'm so sorry for your loss. John was a wonderful person and he will be missed by all of us. He shared with me how happy you made him and I know that he felt blessed to share his life with you. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family."  By including that he shared with you his love for her, you are reinforcing that you were only friends and that when you did talk, he spoke of his family. That way you can still convey your condolences without concern that you're saying something that may be hurtful to his wife or children. I personally think it's very important when a loved one passes away that the spouse and family receives the support of all who knew that person. Each and every card is important because it reinforces how much their loved one was cared about. I would also leave her and the children on your Christmas card list. I had a good friend who was a college sweetie that I remained in contact with over the years. Never met his wife or kids, but we shared pictures and emails over the years. He passed away and I sent his wife and kids a card and also sent flowers to the service. The thank you card I recieved back from her was so kind and so touching that I called her. We ended up talking for three hours, crying and laughing together about our memories of him. Since then, we've stayed in contact and have become pretty good friends.