Ex went from being very involved Dad to one day a week after split. Is this normal?

Question

My ex and I have been split for about 8 months. We have a 2 year old son together. Before he left he was a very invovled Dad. He obviously saw his son everyday and seemed to be very much the family man for the most part. When he said he wanted to split he said that he would watch our son one day a week and call to get him a couple other times during the week for a couple hours here and there to take him to the park or whatever.

He watches our son either Tuesday or Thursday as those are his days off during the week (which rotate. One week he has Tues off the next Thurs) and he watches him every other Saturday as he has every other weekend off. The rest of the week he works half days. For example one week he goes in at 8 am and works until 2 pm. Then next week he goes in at 1 pm and works until 7 pm.

I have our son the other 6 days of the week and have never kept him from seeing him. I work part-time (about 24-30 hours a week) and go to school full-time.

My ex has gone from being around everyday before the split to once a week and otherwise has never asked to have him otherwise. He says he needs "time to himself" or "R & R" and considers the days he works, although half days primarily not days to himself.

He's in his mid-30's and seems to be back to hanging out with friends every night, constantly on the go with an active social life and smoking pot, etc. etc. I'm frustrated because he often is late when he does have our son and is overall just seeming to do the minimum when it comes to spending time with him.

I'm frustrated and resentful because I don't know how to do the split family thing and feel my son is getting shorted. My parents are still together after 35 years, my ex's parents have both been divorced mutliple times each and my ex says he thinks he's "being a much better Dad than his own" and that "this is how it is when people split". He says maybe it's not fair but it's how it is.

Is it odd for someone to go from being very involved to being fine seeing their child one day a week... and calls it "babysitting".

Need advice on how to deal with him when I'm so frustrated.

Answer 1

Dear Mom:

Your best course of action right now is to really not keep "score" on the days or times that he chooses to spend time with the little one.  Your being consistent is really what your son needs.  I'm not an advocate for single parents especially if the co-parent is healthy and living.

No one can determine what has caused his behavior to change and the best thing to do right now as he exhibits this behavior is to "ignore" him-"it"...I know that will be a challenge given the way you two used to live.  Rest assure you have your plate 'full' with school, work, and motherhood and there is a saying: Keep on Keeping On

Right now sweetie that's the only 'mantra' you should have.  Look at your son in the morning and allow him to give you all the happiness and peace you need.  Do not allow your grades to slip, do not stop producing at work--and most of all let this experience become the catalyst that makes you want to win the "mommy of the year" award!

'Keep on Keepin On'

Answer 2

I think that he is being very selfish to your baby because he is mad at the fact that you two are not together no more and it is not the baby's fault. Think of it like this momma's baby, daddy's maybe. and i think that he is just bitter but let him know that your baby is involved and you are not going to play games when it comes down to your baby he either can step up and be that dad that he was when you two where together or you will have to go another route. and the part that i read is that u don't use your son as a crutch which means you never told him that he could not see him and that is good keep that attitude that is the best attitude to have when you have a child but keep your head up he will see because it will all blow over .......

Answer 3

Very difficult situation.  The problem is (or one of them) that you can only control your own behavior.  If the baby's father is an irresponsible pot-smoker there just isn't a lot anybody would be able to do to make him into a good father.  That's tough on you but doubly tough on the child.  You'll help your child by not bad-mouthing the father, and finding some way to release your anger and frustrations.  You might tell your ex the truth--that children who grow up without fathers have a VERY, VERY difficult life and are much more likely to get into legal, drug, and behavior trouble, do less well in school, and have much poorer prospects for life-time earnings.

Answer 4

parenting is a lot of work..people change at time when the children are not living with them anymore..he is totally responsible for himself and his relationship with the child. You are only responsible for what you do with the child.