Excessively complicated personal problem -- don't get into it if you don't have the time, lol.?

Question

I've been in a long distance relationship for just about a year now. The girl I'm with is on the other side of the world, and we just visited each other for the first time about a month ago, the visit lasting about a month. I'm certain, without a shred of doubt in my mind, that she is the girl I want to marry, and she feels the same.

The visit was great, truly perfect, but now I'm back, and something just feels... amiss.

We're still as strong as ever, which is a big deal when you're doing the long-distance thing. 2 days ago, I found out that there's a high chance my mom will die in the next six months. I'm still living at home, 17 years old, and being raised by only one parent, this is something I'm really worried about.

It's these times, when things are their darkest, that only she, my fiancee can really help with. I know some of you would probably call into judgment the fact that I'm engaged so young, but that's not my question.

When we talk in the last few days, she's always distracted, or doing something else, or talking to friends. In this time, I really, really need her to help me through this.

I know it's overly possessive, and I don't call her excessively, but the inability to talk to her, in the way we used to before I left, has me in a really dark emotional state. I recognize that this is really irrational, she's with her friends, having fun, and that should make me happy.

It does, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like another friend, instead of her boyfriend. I'm not scared of her leaving me, or us parting; like we say a lot, for better or worse, we're stuck together, ^_^.

What I DO need help with, is a way to cope with these emotions until she gets back. Yes, I'm too young for commitment, all of that, believe me, I hear it every day, but that's a choice I've made. I know this won't break us, but every passing hour that I can't get her help, it's tearing me up inside.

I've tried everything, reading, watching TV, talking to friends, hanging out with friends, I take anti-depressants, and am completely on course with that. This is preventing me from working, sleeping, eating. And again, the worst part of all is that I know it's completely unfounded, she is doing EVERYTHING right, I believe. I just need help in this. Sorry for the long message.

Answer 1

What seems to be the problem is you are depending upon and attempting to become intimate with (without it really being possible) someone whom you have met one time, who is half way around the world.

This doesn't have anything to do with age--full adults make this mistake too--however, your youth does make the situation even more difficult.

Further, I'm certain that the young woman you are communicating with (please forgive me I cannot refer to her as your fiancee, a fiancee is a woman to whom you are engaged to marry and have a wedding date, as well as a plan) is becoming acutely aware that you are approaching one of your hours of deepest need in your young life.  Perhaps she is worried that she can't support you as you need.  Perhaps she is worried that she's not ready to provide that level of support to someone.  Perhaps she's having second thoughts about your relationship and feels she can't tell you at this delicate time.  Lots of possibilities, none of them very appetizing.  I'm sorry.

If I were in your shoes, I'd look for non-romantic support as close to home as you can find it.  Friends, teachers, relatives of all sorts, and even a counselor perhaps.  This "long distance relationship" that you think you have really isn't one, and when you try to lean on it, to get the support you need, it's going to fold like a house of cards.  You may stand a chance of saving your relationship with the young lady (for the future) if you find a way to meet your own needs for support locally.

I'm so, so sorry about your mom.  Spend time with her.  Of course.

To address your final comments:  I didn't say I thought you were a "typical teen."  Sometimes a bit more typicality is what super-achieving, gifted teens need, but it seems life is not affording you that luxury right now.  So you go with what's happening.  I stand by everything I wrote about not leaning too much on your girlfriend, for the sake of you both.  You can fast track achievement and success, but not relationships, emotional maturity, or intimacy.  Give yourself space just to be.  I hope that makes sense.  My heart aches for how strong you are needing to be right now.

Answer 2

You should spend as much time as possible with your mom.  Your girlfriend will still be there, but you mom doesn't have much time left.  Make the best of the time you still have with your mom.

Answer 3

As long as you love someone, I don't believe in too young to commit.  Tell her how you feel.  Tell her you need her.  Tell her why.  I'm sorry about your mom.  Had it not been for my long-distance boyfriend when my mom passed, I wouldn't know what to do.  HE was right there, by my side holding me through it, even though we were what seemed like a million miles away.   Good luck, my only advice is communication, communication, communication!  BTW, my mom died when I was 17.

Answer 4

Yeah, choose your mom. Or you will regret it. Why dont you try telling this to your mom?

Answer 5

Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear about your mom. Your mom will always be the number one Lady in your life, then a close second your girl or wife, she bought you into this life, selflessly kept you safe and protected and made you the man you are today. Just as every other persons Mom has since the beginning. I suggest you really try to spend as much time with your mom as possible and don't sweat the small stuff, your girl is very young , you need to understand this. its not that she doesn't care and love you I'm sure, but with her being so young and far away from you,she truly cant relate with what your  trying to express to her through the phone, unless she has undergone such horrible circumstances as you and your mom are going through now. I lost my mom a couple years ago, always remember this,life is a precious thing hold onto it as long as you can, tell your mom you love her every day, tell her everything you've always wanted to but didn't, corny or not, let her know how grateful you are for having her as your mom and leave nothing unsaid. I held back my feelings, kept them bottled up inside and didn't say everything I should have and I regret it everyday. My girlfriend I was with at the time couldn't relate with me losing my mom either, believe me she tried and we knew each other most of our youths. So don't hold it against your girl it ain't easy bro,

God Bless

Nick

Answer 6

When someone is declaring their undying love for you in person, it is very difficult to tell them that you don't have the same depth of committment to them. When you are in different locations, then it is easier to just be distracted or too busy to take their call, hoping that they get the message. You need to consider that your girlfriend may be doing this. Trying to tell you, in small subtle ways, what she doesn't have the courage to tell you openly. It seems as if you have your own doubts since you put "everything" in caps regarding your gf doing everything right. It's like you're protesting too much in her defense. At least think about it so you're emotionally prepared for the possibility.

In any case, whether your mom is avoiding you or not, you need to find every way to reach out to her and spend time with her. These are days you can never get back once they're gone. Find little unexpected ways to perk her up. A surprise bouquet of flowers, going to a movie with her that you know she'll like, or just spending time feeding the birds in a pretty park would be nice ideas. You'll treasure these times later.