FMIL mad I took my mom & her son's stepmom wedding dress shopping & I didn't invite her. What's the big deal?

Question

Here is the story. My mom is my best friend. I have also become incredibly close with my FH's stepmom, who is the sweetest woman in the world and a lot like my mom. My fiance's mom is not a sweet woman and she and I don't get on. So of course, when I decided to go dress shopping, I asked my mom, FH's stepmom, my gran, aunt and cousin, who will be my MOH. I was lucky enough to find the perfect dress on that first trip. FMIL found out about it and is horribly upset. I say it's none of her business who I take dress shopping or who I do wedding errands with. Those are at the bride's prerogative and I am not close with nor do I like FMIL, so of course I don't invite her to things, least of all dress shopping. I am also not showing her the dress before I head down the aisle, in part because she is a very negative, critical person.

Answer 1

You are setting the tone for a rocky road ahead.  You might just love love love your future husband's step mom, but the fact remains, his mother is part of the picture as well.  You may not like her, but before you lapse into the Bridezilla thing, stop and think how your actions are going to affect things for years to come.  

It also appears you purposely left her out of this shopping trip.  By inviting EVERYBODY else but her, you made a point of making her feel left out. Shame on you for not having enough manners or even knowing what basic diplomacy is.

Perhaps between now and the time you actually get married, you will pick up a few social skills.  You might learn how not to put your husband in the middle of this power play that is sure to come once you have married.

You might find your FMIL very negative and critical, but you are mean spirited and immature.

Answer 2

Despite your feelings about her, it was tacky to include the step-mom, but not his actual mother. The way she sees it, your mother got to be a part of the dress choosing, and his step-mom was there in her place. She feels hurt and excluded. She wouldn't had it been a mother-daughter thing. Be a little more thoughtful next time, or you'll have a MIL from h**l to deal with.

EDIT: It's also your choice to be above her behavior, instead of sinking to her level. People are going to look at you, and say, "She treats her MIL horribly" because you aren't treating her better and allowing them to see how SHE acts. You're right; it is your choice who you involve, but by so doing, you chose a rocky road for yourself. If you think she's bad now, it will only get worse.

Answer 3

She feels hurt and left out because you didn't invite her.  It made it worse that you invited her son's step-mother.  I'm sure there's some tension between those two and you chose the step over her.  While you don't like this woman, she is in your life forever. If I were you, I'd do my best to make things more peaceful between you.  It's too late to get her help with the dress, so find something else that you think she would like to do.  She will feel better if she feels like she's involved.  It is her son's wedding, after all.

Answer 4

I'm kinda in a similar situation.  My FMIL gets so jealous she claims I wont include her in anything (which is a lie).  In like things I'd invite the moms to I always in vite my mom his mom and his stepmom, but she doesn't like my fiances step mom and always comes up with a reason to back out.  Frankly I don't get along with her, but I get along very well with his step mom, we're extremely close.  Try inviting your FMIL along to a few things with you so she can't say you aren't including her and if she does she'll be a liar and no one can blame you for upsetting her.

Answer 5

This was your day not hers. Blow it over, and don't say anything. Trust me, when the MIL is a *****, there is no talking to her. It's all your fault for everything anyway!

I wouldn't show her the dress either. Nor would I let her come to help you dress on the big day...how crazy is she? Enough to "spill" something on it?

Let her pout,and it will blow over.  

Answer 6

I understand why she's upset.  You invited his step-mother over her.   I don't agree that it's only your business who you invite, that's insulting.  You picked his step-mother over this biological mother.  Ouch!!!!    If you couldn't invite both, you should have keep it to your family only.  Your mother, you aunt, your cousin.   When you started blending the families, you got yourself in trouble.

Make it up to your MIL.  I understand you don't "get on" well.  But, guess what??  She's going to be in your life for several decades.  Try working on improving the relationship, instead of straining in by not including her.  Take her to a fitting or to pick out your shoes, veil or something.  Include her and make her feel special.  That's his mother!!

How did he feel about his own mother being excluded from the group of "mother" going dress shopping?

Answer 7

Just let it go and do you.  She'll get over it.

Answer 8

Hmmm she sounds alot like my husbands younger sister. She "claims" to be a christian and yet she treats me like I am the lowliest thing on the face of the planet. I say ignore her. You have EVERY right to include who wish to have you when your planning one of the most special days of your life. Good luck  

Answer 9

Talking from experience...ease up on your FMIL...I'm not arguing that it's your prerogative bec. it's your wedding...but you're just adding EXTRA stress on yourself.  Believe me, my experience was worse and I paid for my whole entire wedding myself...it got so bad that she made a scene at the church INFRONT of everyone...needless to say that the rehearsal dinner was very awkward and reception was worse!  She was supposed to open up the reception with a prayer, BUT of course, my MOH stopped that and asked someone else...what i'm trying to say is this...stop the insanity now...talk to her and make sense of the situation...she has to understand that it's your wedding and let her know that you're just very comfortable with the stepmom and she shldn't feel left out bec. you will give her a chance to maybe help you in some other way...think this through...YOU DON"T WANT CHAOS ON THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE...nip it in the bud!  

Update on my MIL - we're bestfriends now...she's still pushy but you know what? most mothers do and I understand that it was very hard for her to give up her "baby" son...now, that i hv kids of my own boys...i get it.  But hopefully, i can share my boys to their perspective wives gracefully than she did.  

Answer 10

well while i could see why she is pist off i also see your side... at the same time maybe you should include her in something.... maybe take her one day to do some of your registry stuff (you can always delete it later.. thats what i did..lol) or let her think that shes doing something important. maybe help you pick out some centerpieces. you go back numerous times so only take her once and shell feel like she was involved and her opinion was important. whether or not you use what she picked atleast shell think she helped.

also, you never know. maybe while ur out with her shell open up to u. but dont count on it.

either way good luck and remember your stuck with her forever, might as well try to make it as painless as possible and not p**s her off that much.  

Answer 11

when you ask a specific question that  ends with the words " what's the big deal?"  and several posters tell you in intelligent, wise, experienced detail exactly what the big deal is, and then you add words later that basically say you dont care and just wanted to hear from people who dont think hurting someone is any big deal cause it's " your day", well, hon, sometimes these wise and smart answers do take a couple days to sink in.  

wishing you happiness and compassion for those who perhaps struggle a bit with your actions toward them.  

Answer 12

if you took just your mother and said it's a mother/daughter thing, well okay...but if you included your fiance's step-mother and not his real mom...wow, you've committed a major social slap in the face to the woman who gave your guy LIFE......you see by inviting the step-mom YOU opened the door on your dress shopping so sorry, I don't care what a pill the MIL might be, she is your MIL, you FH mother and for that reason alone, since you invited the step mom you SHOULD HAVE invited the mom...so don't start shedding crocodile tears when the relationship with his mother gets bad....you've set yourself up for it, Cupcake.....good luck, you sound negative, critical and very judgmentall yourself....just like your MIL in fact.

Answer 13

don't sweat it and enjoy your whole experience

Answer 14

Weddings are stressful and no matter how hard you try, someone will always be upset about something. There are just so many things, and you never know who will get upset about what. If you WANT to try and mend this, take her shopping for something else, flowers, or attendants gifts...something else, just her. Apologize and say you didn't know she would be upset. If you really don't like her enough to do that...then don't. She'll get over it. But I suggest talking to your fiance and seeing what he would like you to do about the situation. This isn't the time you want to have those stupid fights. Good luck =)

Answer 15

your going dress shopping for you. not anyone else. so please your self.

Answer 16

You are not required to ask her but it would have been a nice gesture.

Withholding her from going to any other function or even seeing your dress doesn't make you any better than her though.

Let her see the dress, if she is negative put on a big smile and sweetly say something along the lines of "I'm sorry you don't like it."  Negativity feeds on negativity so if you stop showing her that you are bothered by her comments, she will no longer have the attention she thrives on and hopefully she'll stop being such a downer.