Question:

FMIL mad that I & my family don't speak English in front of her. What's the big deal?

by  |  earlier

0 LIKES UnLike

My native language is Polish. My mother lives about 5 miles away and quite often she is there, along with my grandma and sisters when FMIL is there. I speak Polish when I am around my family-my gran speaks no English at all and recently came over to America to live. FMIL thinks it is rude and that I am talking about her. She tells FH that it is rude that I speak another language in front of her when she can't understand it. I say this: what language I speak is none of her business, my family and I don't care enough about FMIL to lower ourselves to talk about her and she shouldn't be trying to intrude on my time with my family and try to hear what we have to say.My native language is Polish. My mother lives about 5 miles away and quite often she is there, along with my grandma and sisters when FMIL is there. I speak Polish when I am around my family-my gran speaks no English at all and recently came over to America to live. FMIL thinks it is rude and that I am talking about her. She tells FH that it is rude that I speak another language in front of her when she can't understand it. I say this: what language I speak is none of her business, my family and I don't care enough about FMIL to lower ourselves to talk about her and she shouldn't be trying to intrude on my time with my family and try to hear what we have to say.

 Tags:

   Report
Answer The Question I've Same Question Too

19 ANSWERS

Sort By: Date  |  Rating

  1. Hey I am polish too!!!! and very very very very proud of it!!!! :) I would have your FH tell her the situation your in. If you speak only english around your Babcia then she won't be able to understand you and it won' be fair to her. Let her know that your trying to do your best to make everybody happy.  


  2. Speaking another language in front of someone who doesn't understand it is just as rude as whispering into someone's ear in front of them.  Having someone in the room and intentionally leaving them out of a conversation is bad manners.  Period.  Your FMIL is correct.  You are being very disrespectful.  You shouldn't do that to anyone.  

  3. I find it sad that your FMIL cannot be just a little more understanding of the situation. Particularly if she is at YOUR house. To make everyone happier, I think you and your mother should continue to speak Polish with your grandmother and then translate frequently to the stuck up MIL. You can't very well tell your mother what to do, but I think when you speak to your mother you should probably make every effort to speak in English. The key is to translate frequently.

    Unless you are talking about her, in which case I say go for it. In English and Polish. :)

    **I agree with fizzy stuff, she has it right on. And since you updated, I stand by my answer, this is YOUR home, it would be a different story if you were going to her home.

    Translate, translate, translate. And offer to teach a few polish phrases, make it fun!

  4. You say you don't want to make your grandmother uncomfortable, yet you are making your FMIL uncomfortable.  If everyone speaks English except your grandmother, maybe you should speak English and interpret for her until she learns English.  If your grandmother is living here, it would be kind of you to teach her English.  She will need it if she ventures out into the world.

    I work with others who speak Spanish.  It is uncomfortable when they speak in Spanish.  I always joke with them that if I don't hear my name, I don't worry...but I still don't like it.  I actually think it's rude. (at times they've been caught by a customer who knows what they are saying)  If they want to talk privately, then do so somewhere else.  It's not their native tongue, so there's no real reason, in my opinion, to make others uncomfortable.

    No one should be made uncomfortable, and you need to learn to take your FMIL's feelings into consideration.  You are going to need to interpret for someone...either your FMIL or Grandmother.  If you have invited her over, she is not intruding on your time.

    I suspect you have other issues with your future husband's family.  I wonder if you will be able to compromise in your marriage.  If you don't care about the in-laws now, when you are putting your best foot forward, I shudder to think what you will do after the "I do's" are said.

  5. Yes, you are being rude.  Especially if you know that this bothers her and you haven't done anything to rectify the situation.  You can very easily speak to your mother and FMIL in english and your Grandmother in Polish.  Let your mom translate.  But if you know that it is upsetting your FMIL and you are doing it anyway, you are just intentionally creating hostility with your husbands family.  Not a good idea.

    Finally, does your FMIL live with you?  Why would she be there with your family "intruding on your personaly family time" if she doesn't either 1. live there, or 2. invited by you to come over.  And if she DOES live there and you are still speaking polish in front of her, it is ESPECIALLY rude.

  6. If your FMIL is around, you need to speak English.  Then someone can let your grandmother know what was said in Polish.  It is VERY rude to speak in front of someone in another language.  Your FMIL is right in thinking that you may be talking about her especially since you don't seem to like her much.  Does your fiance speak Polish?  Probably not.  Speak English unless you are only around your family members who speak Polish.

  7. why do you have to repeat yourself...? Weird....

  8. Your FMIL is pig-headed. I could say a lot more, but that about sums it up.

    And Galaxie Girl is way off the mark. People can speak any language they want. Its a free country. Ignorance like Galaxie Girl just burns me up, its no wonder no one likes Americans.

    But I digress.

    Recently I was with a friend at a coffee shop speaking English. This is in Japan. When we left, the staff told us that another customer complained, saying they "dont want to hear English when they are having coffee". My friend, who is Japanese, told the staff off and said its a free country and we can speak any language we d**n well please.

    Im in tune to your situation. My advise is to translate when your mother is around to try to include your FMIL, and your FMIL should do her part by learning a few Polish phrases-- it would get her further than she thinks. With your grandmother, there is no reason why she must learn English at this point in her life, and she is not missing out by not getting to know your FMIL.

  9. yea.. after reading the same thing 5 times in a row .....

    its just rude. your grandmother is the acception since obviously she just came here to live but for the most part its just a simple thing of put yourself in her shoes. how would you feel if they spoke a language you didnt understand. but of course you are too self absorbed to consider that.  

  10. I would have a candid talk with your mother in law and explain that some family members speak no English at all and your only means of communicating are by speaking Polish.  Let her know you are sorry she feels offended or left out, but that you did not mean to do this intentionally.   You are only doing what you've been doing for years.  Your family speaks Polish more than English and it's really an unbreakable habit.

    IMO, you need to consider your MIL feels as much as your own.   You say, " she should be trying to intrude on my time with my family"  Well, honey........if your mother in law is in your presents, it's not just all about your family at that moment.  You are entertaining your mother in law at your home, just as you with your mother.    So, it is a bit rude to not include her at all.   I think it's fine to speak Polish as a way to communicate with non-English speaking relatives.  There is nothing you can do about that.    But, why not translate some things for her.   No one likes to be left out of the conversation and  by having such a poor attitude about your mother in law "intruding" into your family time is a bit rude and really negative.  

    You are making this bigger than it needs to be.  Speak with your mother in law, explain the situation and do more to make her feel welcomed and part of the group when she is in your home and in the presents of your Polish speaking relatives.

  11. I think it is VERY rude to speak in another language in front of somebody who doesn't understand it.  She doesn't know if you are talking about her or not, your word isn't enough.  All she want is to be included.  She is feeling isolated.  I have a hard time believing that it wouldn't bother you if all of your FH's family spoke in a language that you did not understand.  You would have no idea what they were talking about and you would feel left out.  If you can't speak more english when she is around maybe your husband should tell your FMIL that she can't come over when they are there.  Maybe you could ask your family to speak more english when they are around her and maybe you could translate what they don't for her.  I really don't think she is saying it just to be nosy, I think her feelings are hurt and she just wants to be included.  

  12. I agree with Irish Amber - that is rude.  I don't care what language it is, you shouldn't speak another language in front of others who are with you.  I hate when I am out in public and there are people speaking other languages around me - it's very inconsiderate, and makes me uncomfortable.

    And why on earth doesn't your grandma speak any English if she lives here now?  How does she get through the day?  She should learn it asap.

    Edit:  I did not intend my answer as an insult - just my opinion.  It always bugs me seeing people here who cannot speak our language - they tend to expect to be catered to in their native language.  Also, I agree with others - if your FMIL is at your house, she's your guest at that time, and you should not be making her uncomfortable like that.  I don't know what culture you grew up in, but here, that is just rude.

  13. Sorry,  it is rude.  You can have your family time and include your mother in law.  

    The polite thing would be to translate the conversation.

    If it's YOUR family time then why is the FMIL there?  And will she not be a part of YOUR family too?

  14. As a person that used to date a native French speaker, whose family spoke both French and English and they would always speak French to each other when I was over for dinner or something like that. I can honestly tell you it is quite rude.  It's fine if your grandma can't speak English, but as a guest in that situation you feel like a total outsider and an idiot because you just don't know what is going on.

    Maybe you should put yourself in her shoes for a minutes and consider that she isn't trying to be a b***h or anything, it's just kind of disheartening to be left out of the loop.

  15. Well, I've been on the other end of this - during my growing up, then with my husband and his family/friends. He's from Eastern Europe, and we'd have a livingroom full of people chitchattering away in their own language - and there I was, like a bump on a log, not "in" on anything. They all speak English. On the occasions there were non-English speakers I undersand (such as when my MIL came to visit from Europe), but otherwise, it's terribly rude. They are all together enough times to be speaking their own language to one another.

    Of course it's different with your Baba, since she's just recently arrived and is older.

    So I understand where your FMIL is coming from - perhaps you could open your heart a little bit. After all, she raised the man you love and are going to marry.

    When she's around, at least do some translating!

  16. Actually, you are being rather rude. Speaking in your native language is fine, as long as you are including everyone....so do you ONLY speak in Polish or do you translate for your FMIL?? Show some courtesy!!!

  17. Either way someone is going to get left out of the conversation. However, it should not always be your FMIL. She's family too. And yes, she should try to hear what you have to say, because that's how she participates in the conversations. Make an effort to have some conversations which include her, but don't switch to English entirely.  

  18. It is rude you can speak your language but not in front of people who do not speak the language. When i am near my FMIL i translate since their are relatives ( like your gran) who can not speak english.

    You would not want them to speak another language in front of you. It is like them whispering in front of you.  

  19. I can see why you speak to your grandmother in polish, as she speaks no english. But, if your mother speaks english then there is no reason why you can't talk with her in english when your future mother in law is around.

    I'm sorry - but I agree with your FMIL. I think it's rude. You may not love your FMIL but she is going to be your family and deserves some respect.  
You're reading: FMIL mad that I & my family don't speak English in front of her. What's the big deal?

Question Stats

Latest activity: earlier.
This question has 19 answers.

BECOME A GUIDE

Share your knowledge and help people by answering questions.
Register Now