FMIL upset I refuse to do prewedding activities with her?

Question

FMIL told me the first time she met me that I was not good enough for her son and then asked her son if he really wanted to marry me. Since then, I have kept my distance. I don't call her, I let my fiance relay all wedding plans to her. I have told my family what she said and they can't stand her either. I did not take her wedding dress shopping and I am not showing her my dress-I told her that wedding dress shopping was a mother daughter thing and that I am saving the gown so everyone can see it on the big day when I come down the aisle. When my MOH and mother and sisters planned my wedding shower, FMIL asked to help, but due to how nasty FMIL has been in the past, they told her they had it covered. Just a few days ago, my mother came over with my hope chest. In our family, it is tradition that when a girl is born, a hope chest is started and packed with the things she will need for married life. FMIL asked if she could be there when my mom and I opened the hope chest (I have never seen what is in it) and I politely told her no, that I just wanted to do that with my mom. And who can blame me after how FMIL has treated me? Why would I want to share special prewedding moments with her when I have a mom, sisters and girlfriends for that? Plus, my deceased grandmother put a letter and other items in there for me. There is no way I want FMIL to see those precious things or have her pawing through my hope chest. I don't understand why she doesn't get that I have the right to and I only want to do prewedding things with my loved ones. She has daughters-she will have her chance with them.

Answer 1

I can only say good luck to you, and not only on your wedding day, but in your future life in general.

It seems you've already made up your mind that you're having a part in what is going to be a lifelong battle and a miserable existence whenever your MIL is concerned. All you're looking for is approval of your act so far.

I'd think twice if I were you. No woman is totally happy with her DIL, that's only natural, but they don't all want to be so blunt about it as your MIL had been. Punishing her for it will only deepen the gap between you two, and what's even worse - between her&her son. Do you really want your husband to be unhappy for the rest of his life? Because that's what he will be, caught up in between you two.

As in all conflicts, the fact that someone was ungraceful to you doesn't automatically justify your lack of graciousness. Can't you find it in your heart to approach her with warmth and win her affection? It shouldn't be too difficult. And you won't be perceived as less worthy for it, on the contrary.

You will just reinforce your femininity and your position as a new woman in your husband's life. And to be that, you cannot nurture animosity for his mother.

edit: You will not, and I repeat, you will not have an easy life with that attitude. And your FMIL does not need you either, she has her son, her daughters and hopefully her grandchildren. What makes you think you're so special in her life? I'd sign every word amyphete said, although my personal experience is different, because unlike her, I've had almost perfect relations with my in-laws. I understand there are different examples, but it always makes two to tango, always.

Answer 2

Okay what is your question? The way I see it, your FMIL is trying to make up for her behavior when she first met you, and you are being a baby and holding a grudge. This is your future husband's MOTHER. How about some respect? You won't even talk to her! Obviously you are not obligated to ask her to attend your dress fitting and the opening of your hope chest (that whole chest thing is a little creepy, by the way), but surely you could include her in other activities. She is making an effort and you are being a brat.

So anyway... what was your question?

Answer 3

What a wonderful way for you to bring your two families together. How generous of you.

I agree that what she did was hurtful, but it was really not eternally hurtful. If she wants to do these things with you, she has apparently come around to the fact that you are marrying her son.

Are you guys going to have kids? Are you going to tell her she does not need to grandparent your children because you have your own mother for that?

Are you never going to spend the holidays with your husband's family? Is your husband okay with that?

You cannot let your little snit last forever. You may not need her in your life but you apparently want FH in your life and you cannot ask him to turn his back on his own mother. Once you are married you are going to be a family unit. You cannot expect him to abandon his family or to spend every holiday and other occasion separately.

Be the better person. You don't get to hate her unless she tries to kill you. Literally. If you love your husband, love his mother.

You do not get to make your bridezilla snit last forever. Invite her over to see your d**n dress on the hanger and have your mother offer her tea and cookies or wine and appetizers. Give her a chance.

You are the bond bringing these two families together, like it or not. If you really are going to let this little snit last forever, then I am afraid you are far too immature and selfish to commit your life to another person and should call off the wedding.

Be a decent person.

If you still refuse to include her, at least be mature enough to talk to her, in person, alone, and tell her why. "I felt very hurt when you told me I was not good enough for 'Sean' and asked him if he really wanted to marry me. My thought is, if that's the way you feel, you wouldn't want to be included. If asking to be included is your way of trying to apologize, I actually would prefer if you apologized directly."

You cannot, I repeat, cannot, let your little passive-aggressive tantrum last forever and expect your marriage to last forever. If you are this much of a brat you will not make a good wife.

Answer 4

Contrary to what anyone says, a bride to be is under NO obligation to do any prewedding actvities with her fMIL or inclusde her in anyway, esp when she has been a *****.

Answer 5

Wow. This is a really sad situation. I'm super close to my FMIL and love having her take part in the wedding planning. However, she did not go with me to pick out my dress. My mom and two of my girlfriends went. I would've been content with just my mom though. It is something just for the mom and daughter...and so is the hopechest. I completely understand your point of view on that...and I understand why you wouldn't want to share this experience with her after the way she has treated you. However, you are marrying her son...and she is going to continue to be a part of his and your children's (if you choose to have them) lives...and even though she has been nasty to you in the past...you have no right to interfere with that...so for the sake of that...the best thing to do is be civil with her. She doesn't have to share in this experience with her...but you could show her your dress. I really don't see what the big deal is about that. Maybe if you did, she would be content...and leave you alone about the wedding planning. Don't completely exclude her...she is your fiance's mother...and I'm sure it hurts him for you two to act like that towards one another. Be the better person in the situation.

Answer 6

Ok.....I've been where you are.  My MIL was very nasty towards me when i started dating my husband.  A little background so you know where i'm coming from.  My husband in Jewish and i am Christian.  Dating a non-jew is a HUGE deal!!  My MIL did everything she could to break us up.  She told my husband i was fat.  I wasn't allowed in their house.  When we became engaged, my FIL threatened to sit shiva (it's a period of mourning done when someone dies).  They tried to set my husband up with a nice Jewish girl when we were engaged.  It was bad.  I spent MANY nights crying to my friends and family.  

I decided i was going to be better than my in-laws.  If there was going to be problems in any relationship, it would be from them, not me.  SO i never said a word of complaint to my husband.  I respected his parents and i stayed out of their house.  there were times i thought i was going to draw blood b/c i had to bite my tongue!  Anyway, i was always nice.  I didn't have to do the whole dress shopping with her b/c my family lives 8 hours away from her and i went home for all that.  But, i did include her in the wedding planning.  I showed her pics of the dress.  I asked her opinion on different things.  I let her choose the mother-son song to dance to b/c my husband didn't care what it was.

I urge you to make some peace with her.  You will NEVER forget.  but you can forgive, or at least just move on.  She will be a part of your life for a long time.  And it sounds like she is making an effort now.  Throw her a bone.  She doesn't have to be there for the big things (hope chest), but go for a cup of coffee and ask her for input on something that's not a big deal to you.......Show her a pic of your wedding dress.....ask for her opinion on jewelry or hair design.....ask who she wants seated with her at her table during the reception.  Just don't forget that after the wedding she'll still be around.  She'll be at holiday dinners.  At the hospital to see you children when they are born.  For a long time i just had to remind myself that she deserved my respect and kindness b/c she raised the man i love, even if she wasn't a nice person.

I've been married for 6 years.  we have 1 daughter who is 17 months old.  I have never forgotten, but i have moved on.  Life is too short, and my daughter deserves to have grandparents who love her.  Anyway, good luck to you ...

Answer 7

You are in a difficult and sad situation with the future MIL.  It is causing you a lot of stress, which you don't need right now before your wedding.  I would try to think of some minor activity that the MIL could participate in, and try to let her do it.  For example, could she letter some of the place cards?  Could she help make the favors?  Just give her some minor task to let her feel like she's a part of things.  She may regret her earlier hurtful comments, or at least be pretending to be sorry.  In any case, she is your fiance's mother and always will be.  Believe me, you don't want to be in a long feud with this woman.  It would make your life miserable.  Best of luck to you on your upcoming nuptials.

Answer 8

I think you have every right - and are smart - to keep your distance from her.  I am dealing with a similar situation.  My MIL told my husband right in front of me (2 weeks before our wedding) that she did not support our wedding and did not think we should get married.  The more time you spend around her, the more chance she has to irritate you.  However, maybe she feels bad for saying that and now wants to try to make things better between the two of you.....is that a possiblity?  For me, I do not go anywhere that she will be because the dislike we have for each other is pretty strong, and although I have tried to have a decent conversation with her about it and work it out, all she did was scream and shake her fist in my face.  I would hate to see you go through that too.....if the situation could possibly get better if you just give her a chance, maybe you could think of some little small job that you two could do together and see what  happens?

Answer 9

I don't know who these FMILS and MILS think they are, deciding who is and who is not good enough for their sons. It is none of their business. Their sons are grown men who can make their own decisions. You would think their mothers would trust the judgement of their sons. And I have no idea why these women then get upset when they are dumb enough to tell their FDILS and DILS they are not good enough and the DIL or FDIL freezes them out and understandably so. Some people are not forgiving and some people do not forget. I think it is very callous of people to tell this girl to get over being treated badly by her FMIL. It is understandable and right that this girl wants nothing to do with her hag of an FMIL. More power to her. More of us than I can name have these awful FMILS, including myself.  Men also  do not like it when the woman they love, i.ee, their future wife, is treated badly by their mother.

Answer 10

that is your right, maybe she realized that if she didn't start getting along with you that she was going to miss out on her son's new life with you

and any grandchildren she might have.

Answer 11

I would be upset by what she said to, but by doing all of this you are only making her think she was right and reinforcing her first impression of you.  It sounds like she is trying to mend things, I think you need to meet her half way.  You are going to have to deal with her the rest of your life, it is best to let go of grudges.

Answer 12

i was taught when dealing with people like this to be exquisitely polite.

she is trying to extend the olive branch. why don't you accept? life's too short to be mean and miserable. I'm talking about you.

Answer 13

I think you are being immature in dealing with this. I understand it may have been horrible to hear the things your FMIL said but she is obviously trying to make amends.

Further down the track you will need your MIL and she will remember the horrible way you've treated her, and may not be there for you.

It's not hard to include her in wedding plans. It's very hard for a mother to realise there is another important woman in their son's lives. Try and understand that and be the bigger person.

Answer 14

I totally know what you mean! My FMIL called me a w***e when me and my fiance moved in together! And now 5 years later when we are planning the wedding she acts all hurt when i don't include her! You are totally right, she does not deserve to be included in your wedding prep. She should be gratetful she is invited at all, after what she said to you.

You are not being selfish at all, and with your hope chest (which i have never heard of but sounds amazing, i might do one for my daughters!) she has NO RIGHT whatsoever to be there on such a personal thing.

However she may not realise you are as hurt by what she said, if i were you i would have my fiance talk to his mom and tel her why you feel the way you do. You never know, she might apologise to you or something

Answer 15

Hi.  I can see why you are upset.  Same thing happened to me.  Although my MIL did not say it to me...she told my mother (at the wedding), that her son was very picky and that I probably was not the best choice!  Anyway, my MIL has done NOTHING to ever try to make amends.  

It DOES, at least to me, sound like your MIL IS trying and wanting to be involved in your life.  Remember.....you are marrying HER son....obviously she did something right if you are choosing to marry this man!  Please try to put this behind you and let her in "a little" to your life.  It is, after all, your future husband's mother.

Remember....there are two people that are having a "special day"....you AND the groom.  I can say this as I know how it feels to be pushed aside as the mother of the groom!!  Please let her be a part of your wedding celebration.

EDIT:  No one is saying she has to see your dress.  Good grief!!  I feel sorry for your husband to be.  This little rant of yours is showing your true self.  If you want to push her out of your life....go ahead.  It is still your fiance's mother.  Are you going to refuse to let him go see her?  What about when you have children?  Are you going to let her be a grandmother?  Read your own post and decide how you sound to all of us.

Answer 16

I see your point and as a woman and a completely illogical bride I agree with you.

You've had your fit, now get over it and grow some class.

How do you expect to live the rest of your life with his family if you can't even bite the bullet and be kind to his mother even though you "feel" she may not deserve it. Acting like this will bite you in the *** one day in the form of a divorce. No one gets over their partner being an ignorant cow to their mother.

Now might be an awesome opportunity to come out looking amazing by involving her in a few things, she'll look a little silly having bitched about you before when you're being so lovely now. Or maybe she's really trying to befriend you and isn't sure how to go about doing it.

personally I'd be grateful she was in a better mind frame and was accepting your marriage at all.

No she doesn't have a "right" to see the dress, no one has a"right" to see the dress actually, so stop being so petty about that.

Now that I think about it, she was simply being a good mom by asking her son if he was sure he was making the right choice, as it is for life. As for her comment about you not being good enough..harsh, but no one will ever be good enough for her baby boy! That's just life.

I came from a family where my mom and my grandma hated each other and made it well known and it was h**l for everyone, my dad, my other family members...i grew up without a grandma on my dad's side, I love my mother but I'm not sure I'l ever really forgive her for denying me that just because she was "mad".

choose your battles wisely.