Failure to launch.....Mother's who won't let go....?

Question

I was raised by a single mother and we've had our issues over the years. A lot of the issues boil down to her being inconsiderate and down right mean. Not only to me and my sister, but all of our friends as well. We were never allowed to have anyone over to the house. She was also a neat freak to a phobic, obsessive level (She covered every piece if furniture in the house, no one was allowed to sit on anything, etc). She was also very controlling and had all these absurd rules (We had a pool in the back yard, but no one could swim in it, no phone calls after 6pm, not allowed to ride bicycles further than one block from the house, etc, etc). She hated everyone of my girlfriends and I am still terrified to this day to bring any of them over to meet my mom. Needless to say, I left the house right atfter my sister at the age of 17.

I am now 27, self sufficient, making good money, decent career, and relatively happy with my life. I still have some of the same friends from when I grew up. Several were raised by single mothers as well. All but one of them still live at home and do not work. Mommy still takes care of everything for them. One mother even went out and applied for a job on her son's behalf!! I know..WTF!?? They all drink and party eccessively, some take drugs. One of the mothers parties with her kid and has even slept around with his friends! Suffice to say, these moms were the opposite of mine. My mom is far from my best pal, but their mom's still have the cord attached. What is going on??? I have a new respect for my mother.

Why do some single mothers ruin their kids this way? Are they clueless to what they are doing?

Answer 1

WOW your Mom sounds kinda like mine in some aspects!

My Mother sheltered me a lot and, and it did hurt me

quite abit as an adult, #1 I never slept at anyone's home B4 either,

#2 She also questioned me alot & #3 She never wanted me to move

away when i did.I think that lots of Moms are that way! And as far as

bringing home someone for her to meet doesn't always turn out great! I feel this is only cause "NOBODY" will ever be good enough for their lol Baby, lol In my opinion She loves you to the MAX, Things in your life things happened the way they needed to, same for all of us!  Some parents do way too much for their kids nowadays.

I hope this helps!

Answer 2

Maybe that was the reason why the fathers left?  That's freakin' insane.  Sorry about your life man, but what was cool was that you learned to be self-sufficient, and that's respectable.

There are always crappy parents out there, some worse than others.  But we shouldn't judge them, just ignore them.  Those who aren't self-sufficient lack what you have: a reason to move on.

Answer 3

more than likely they don't want to be left alone.

more pathetic than anything else.

Answer 4

It would appear your mom was a little over the top ,  in saying that I do believe she had the best of intentions with regards to her children. You have turned out to be ,responsible, successful and independent. The mothers you ask about are very foolish mothers...they are not a good example to their children and they are not doing them any favours..in other words they have not prepared their children for entering the big world. Why these mother do what they do is any ones guess...maybe they feel they have to make up for there being no father around,maybe they don't want to grow up , maybe they don't want to feel alone, it's hard to say but whatever it is... they are very foolish mothers and in the end they will reap what they sow...be thankful your mother did what she did , even if it was a bit over the top..maybe she didn't know how to do it any other way and used the only tools she had.

Answer 5

I couldn't leave the house this morning before I answered this question...

First of all, I take my hat off to single mothers and fathers that do it alone..I have incredible respect for them all.

I am a mum of 2 little kids myself, and at times find it all incredibly daunting and sometimes even not knowing what the best thing is to do. Yes I have a husband, and even though we see next to nothing of one another, he is still there enabling me to work at nights and to have time to myself every now and again.

FOr the single parents with no one, I couldnt imagine how tough it is.

Without knowing your full story, it sounds as if your mum did what she thought was best for you at the time. Covering her furniture and being a neat freak was I imagine her way of looking after her worldly posessions....and not letting you ride your bike for more than a block may seem a little harsh, but I guess this was because you and your sister were her world, and over protecting you in this manner was her ways of knowing you were safe.  As I said, I am just an outsider looking in, but it seems as though you do have a new found understanding for your mum.

From what I read about you, from your questions and profile, I know that she must be incredibly proud of the person you have become...and if that mean't being a little harsh and strict, then it worked out for the best.

There comes a fine line when parenting, and its a journey I am discovering and taking very small baby steps with.  When does one let go? And how do you know when you are being too tough??

I am a firm believer of tough love, and I set rules that I expect will be followed - but you must always remember that these are little people, and you must be careful not to jade their own thinking or disturb their individual thoughts to the person that they are becomming.  I treat them with respect, in hopes that I get respect in return.  It seems to be working so far.....my kids are grounded, know that they are loved, and are well on their way to being decent little humans. They make me proud.

As for why some mums party and do everything for their kids...well I dont understand that either....your job as a parent is to guide your children, not to be their "friend".

One of the most interesting books I have ever read, has a quotation that sums up exactly what I am trying to express...

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of to-morrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. ~ Kahil Gibran

After such an epic answer and probably the longest one I have EVER answered, I send ya a great big hug!!  Hope your well babe..its been ages since I have dropped by!! xx

Answer 6

Hats off to Mazzy...she nailed it.

I have been a single mother for 11 years. It's hard having to always be the bad guy, when discipline is needed and hard too, when you don't have any back up or support when decisions need to be made.

There is a tendancy toward either being over the top protective and domineering, or letting them run wild without discipline and spoiling them.

I try for somewhere in the middle but do admit to sometimes being too lenient with them, just because I get sick of being the bad guy all the time.