Family Reunions?

Question

After reading some responses to the question about how adoptees feel at family gatherings, I would like adoptees' opinions on how adoptive parents should handle them. My dad's side of the family has a family picnic every year, which I find obnoxious myself but feel pressure to go to. Plus, there are a few people there I enjoy seeing whom I don't see very often. Should I take my daughter to these reunions? Should we not go? Should I take her until she's old enough to decide for herself and ask her how she feels about them? I totally understand that family reunions could be an experience that make adoptees feel alienated. But I also don't want to cut off my daughter's chance at connection with extended family. Thoughts please on how they should be handled.

Answer 1

My two adopted children met the bulk of my extended family this summer at a family reunion.  They had a wonderful time, getting to know aunts, uncles and cousins.  Some of my family they'd met prior to this, so not everyone at the reunion was a stranger, which was helpful.  

My daughter, in particular, seems to enjoy the extended family connection.  She talks about her aunts and uncles all the time and can't wait for the next one.

Answer 2

This child is your daughter adopted or not and therefore a very important part of the family reunion.  It isn't just the Mom & Dad who adopt a child it is the whole family.   I honestly can't imagine why you would be the one not wanting her to go and meet her family.  If you as a family don't want to go that's fine but please don't make your daughter the reason not to go.   If someone stupidly says something like "do you feel like she's yours" you just look them in the eye and say SHE IS MINE.   I coped with some really stupid relatives (actually well-meaning in their ignorance) and most of them absolutely loving aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents.

My kids are just a big part of a big family.

Answer 3

I think adopted children should be treated the same as biological ones. They are still a member of the family regardless how they came to be that way.

Answer 4

I'd say - go to the one's you enjoy. If you enjoy them - so shall your daughter - most likely.

Adoptees mostly just want to be accepted by everyone.

When she's older - give her the choice of attending.

Let her be part of all her families - as she is a part of many.

Just my honest opinion!!

Good luck.

Answer 5

Wow--Possum nailed it.  

I very much enjoyed these events when I was younger, and didn't become uncomfortable until years after I was old enough to decide for myself whether to attend.

Answer 6

I'm gathering either you or your daughter is adopted, not sure which I didn't see it specified. I'm adopted, and it is a struggle at reunions, because of the differences. But that depends on the people. I recently asked my grandmother (adoptive) how she accepted me. Her answer was simple 'Because your my granddaughter'. In both sides, I've always been treated as equal, and always called niece, granddaughter, cousin, everything. Nobody treats me as if I'm not biologically theres. If it is your daughter that is adopted, just be normal. If anybody excludes her, or treats her differently, protect her. My adoptive mother has a stratergy, whenever someone insults one of her children, she gets her biggest heels and stamps down hard on their feet, then gives a sweet smile with a 'Sorry, it's the heels'. Not saying to go to that extreme, but just be there. That is one thing that helped me the most, the fact my adoptive parents were there for me 24/7, and were always willing to speak with me if I got upset. I agree with Annabelle that they should definitely be treated as equal, that is one of the main things that helps, we don't want to be treated differently.

Good luck with the gathering, and I'm sure you'll have the most wonderful time of your life, together with your daughter. She sounds lucky to have you, especially if you're worried about how she's going to react / be treated, you're special.

Sorry if this post wasn't what you were wanting.

AN ADDON:

Just read your update. My family has two second cousins and a third on the way, basically we're a big large family that scare the potential spouses of the current family :P Basically, maybe find out if anyone has an issue with adopted children, some see adopted children as not really part of the family when in fact, they could be more. Just stick with her, and keep her around the littlies, I'm sure she'll fit in perfectly.

For me, being honest also helped. I think she'll need to accept that she's not their blood, but she's as good as their family. Took me a long time to figure that out, once I did I felt so much more accepted, especially after my dear grandmother told me I was her family.

If want to speak more, can email me at [e-mail] or through msn.

Answer 7

I think its just a reality of being adopted. LIke, something we just "deal with" you know its one of the reminders, the differences.

I don't know how old your adopted child is, but maybe talking with her about it and asking her how it makes her feel. My aparents didn't really even question it, we never talked about it.

I don't think th eres a way to get around it, because if you don't take her without asking her about it, she may feel 'NOT' welcome, like shes being treated like an outsider. And if you do take her she may still feel like an outsider....

damned if ya do....damned if ya don't sorta kwim?