Family Visit Problems ?

Question

Ok, this is the deal in a nutshell. I have told my dad for the last 7 months to save his vacation time so that we can get together during my husband's R&R. Hubby has gotten lots of medals and promotions and has been interviewed with Washington Post did really great this year in Iraq. Anyway, I told dad since last MARCH that we are having a family reunion in September for his R&R and so that he can see our babies that have grown a lot (its been over a year since he seen them).

Anyway, we got the news of R&R days this MONDAY and now its FRIDAY and dad still wont return my calls or respond to the email invitation.

I am so hurt by this and ashamed. Should I just act casual what would you do if your dad was like that to you? He is remarried to another woman and its been like this with him for years and I had no graduation day, no wedding gathering from their side etc etc. I really don't know how to take all this but I had this feeling for months that he wasn't going to show up or that we would have a big falling out. Any advice would help me a lot! Also my husband thinks now that my dad doesn't like him and it makes me feel even worse...

Answer 1

Hi Hon.

I am wondering why you feel ashamed?  You have done nothing wrong at all.

I do see you are feeling abandoned by your father, and apparently have for years.  Maybe it's time to think about taking care of YOU and coming to some realizations about your father and his behaviors....

I believe you certainly do have the right to feel abandoned, because your father has not been there for you.  I hope you realize, first and foremost that it's solely your father's fault, not his wife's fault.  As an adult, your father is totally capable of making his own decisions, and doing what he'd like to do in his life -- with or without his partner (you didn't say she seemed to have influence on his visiting decisions, but i get the idea you may feel that way).

Did your husband verbalize the fact that he feels your dad doesn't like him, or are you assuming this?  If your father doesn't like your husband, he doesn't... you can't change it, and you don't have to apologize or go around feeling guilty about your father's feelings or actions.  They don't belong to you.. you are not responsible for your father or his thoughts, etc.  The only person you can control and think for is yourself.

Sometimes we have to stop, and just accept other people at face value, which includes their decisions and actions and feelings.  Can't change it, so might as well just try acceptance.  By gaining acceptance, you will likely feel better about the situation, realizing you have no control over what Dad does or does not do.

Maybe you could consider talking with someone about your feelings of abandonment?  Sometimes therapy can give us insight into our behaviors, as well.  I hate to see anyone feeling guilty and especially ashamed because of someone else.  The person you really need to focus on is you first, and then your husband.  

I understand your feelings because my father abandoned me, too.  I've come to accept it, don't talk to him, and my life is better for it, really.  It's all about acceptance.  

sending hugs.

Answer 2

family sucks