Family conflict with wedding?

Question

Me and my BF are planning on getting married in May 2009. We have yet to start planning details yet because we just picked a date and still trying to figure out how to set things up. We are not planning on having the ceremony in a church but yet a place outdoors or in a hall. The only problem is...My soon to be MIL and FIL are divorced and do not speak at all, the MIL will actually have a panic attack if in the same room as him. She's the type of person that when their grandchild was born and we were visiting she was telling us that she doesn't want him to see HER grandchild. We still visited him and everything was fine.

But now she's saying that she's the one that should be at the ceremony and reception, she does not want him there AT ALL. Granted she has a right to feel this way about him as their relationship was physical.

But whatever happened to supporting the bride and groom and being there for us?

I'm so frustrated and have no clue on how to arrange this. Please HELP.

Answer 1

Hey it's your wedding but if he is a

physical abuser why would you

want him there!

Answer 2

As much as she hates him, and apparently has a reason to hate him, its still wrong of her to use your child or wedding (in the future, what else?) as a weapon against him. Its wrong of her to make you choose. Truth is, he is not going to attack her at the wedding in front of everyone. If he is that dangerous in public, she should get a restraining order.

While sympathizing with her plight, I would not give in to demands such as that he should not be there, or she will not turn up if he comes. Dont let her manipulate the situation. If you do, you could be in for a lifetime of her games.

Invite both of them. Tell them that they will be seated far from each other, so theres no reason they have to speak to each other. Leave it up them individually to decide whether they will come.

Answer 3

The decision should be in your fiance's hands and no one elses. It's his parents, he knows the relationship he has with each of them and if HE wants them both there, he needs to sit down with his Mother and explain things. She does not need to sit with him, dance with him or eat with him, she just needs to co-exist in the same room with him for a few hours to make her son happy. If she cannot do that then maybe it's time this woman got some counseling - though coming out of an abusive relationship she should have gotten it long ago.

Answer 4

The conflict is theirs, not yours.  If you invite both of them, let her know.  She can choose to attend or not.  If she chooses not to attend, be understanding.   If she wants to dictate the guest list, I'd say it's only her choice if she is paying for the wedding, otherwise it is yours & your FI's choice together who you invite.

Best of luck and congrats

Answer 5

You invite the FIL and the MIL...neither have the right to dictate or demand that ANYONE not be there, especially the both the groom's parents...they are supposed to be adults and are perfectly capable of sucking it up and behaving for a few hours of one day......

It's his son , too. If he wants his father there, then the father gets invited....if she threatens not to come, tell her she will be missed...do not give into blackmail...whatever happened between them is between them.....and belongs outside of the wedding...good luck.

Answer 6

You invite them both and seat them completely across the room from each other.  These are adults we are talking about and they should act like it.  If they love their son they should be able to get past it.  If not then they can choose for themselves whether to attend knowing the circumstances.  It's your and your BF's wedding and it's not your job to play referee,... you'll have enough on your mind already and shouldn't have to worry about that too.  

I am personally the MOH in a wedding with similar issues.  We have already begun dealing with it a year in advance by making sure that both parents attended the brides graduation party and have already planned a birthday event where they will both attend in order for the two of them to get accustomed to attending the same function and if there happens to be drama it won't be at the wedding,... it will have already been dealt with so there won't be any surprises.

Answer 7

i personally would explain to her that you were extending him an invite and if she felt that she could not handle being around him then she can sit on the otherside of the room and not associate with him but he is still the father and will not be punished for being so.

Answer 8

You write:  MIL will actually have a panic attack if in the same room as him

and

You write: Granted she has a right to feel this way about him as their relationship was physical.

If there was physical abuse, I tend to side with MIL.  She has a right to feel safe and protected.  

Perhaps a compromise is in order?  Perhaps MIL can attend the ceremony, while FIL attends the reception?

If that doesn't work, perhaps her son (your groom) can come up with some other compromise . . . one that allows MIL to feel her safety at this wedding is ensured.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Explain that it is important to have both of his parents there, and that's that, they're both invited. If she really doesn't want to deal with him, then it has to be her that doesn't attend.

I know exactly what you are going through, my husband's parents are the same way, but with that many people at the wedding, they could stay far away from each other and it was fine. It's the smaller things that I have to watch out for like when my husband went to the hospital ER awhile back.... NOT good. LOL

Good luck!

Answer 10

You two plan the wedding as you wish. Let your bf talk to his parents and deal with them. You stay out of it and lessen the drama.

Answer 11

Whatever the case was in the past...it is in the past! PERIOD! You HAVE to talk to her with your fiance. Have a serious stern talk. Tell her that you would love to have her at the wedding and the reception as well as his father. They both DESERVE to be there. Give her the choice...put the decision in her hand. Tell her that this day is NOT about her though. It is about the two of you. If she can behave like an adult, keep her comments to herself, and act civilized, then she is MORE THAN WELCOME to come and be a major part of your wedding. However, if she cannot do this, then it would be wise if she didn't come.  You're not attacking her, or choosing one side over another. But you have to come out and tell her that he has every right to be there, just as she does. If she can't understand that, then that is something she has to deal with. And you ARE NOT responsible for her feelings. She as a long time to get used to it...so tell her to get started!

Answer 12

This is your wedding, plan it and invite who you wish, she can either grow up and deal with it or not attend, it is her choice.

For a mother to put her child in a position like that is just plain rude and childish.

Answer 13

Look at the end of the day it is YOUR wedding.  Depending on what your relationship is like with your FIL, perhaps your fiance could have a chat with him and see how he feels...  If they both want to attend, you must simple say that you love them both and would love them to both be a part of your day - However if they don't feel that they'd be comfortable in each others company, they should not attend.  You also need to tell them that while you understand that their relationship is strained, that is not your responsibility and that they need to work it out between them on this issue.  Stress that you love them both, but wont tolerate any c**p from either of them... SOmetimes it's the kid who has to be the "grown up"...