Family disagreement ...help?

Question

We were married on the 16th of August. About 150 people attended. The night of the reception, some very kind, and intoxicated, people helped us load our cars with our gifts. When we returned from our honeymoon we opened all of our gifts. Surprisingly, we did not receive gifts from some very close family members and friends (3 in total). They are close people that have always gifted. PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND....WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE GIFTS AT ALL! We're questioning whether the gifts were dropped or accidentally lost in the transfer to our cars on the night of the reception. Again, we couldn't care less about the gifts, but we don't want to allow our guests that MAY have brought us something to go unthanked. My husband and I have decided to just send those people a general "thank you for sharing our special day with us...it was wonderful to see you...." card. Other family members disagree with our approach and think that we should inquire to our guests as to what they brought so that we can thank them rightfully and accordingly. We've stuck to our guns and are sending a general thank you to those 3 people. What would you have done?

Please no comments about being greedy and wanting gifts... that is NOT the case. This is simply a question about etiquette. The last thing I want is for people to feel unappreciated after they took out a day, drove to our wedding and spent time with us.

Answer 1

Send the general thankyou - that way, if something did get lost or taken, they can inquire and see that you are clearly not rude.  You have the right instincts, my dear.    

Answer 2

Well, I agree with what you're planning to do.  It's a tough one and when they receive the thank you, if a gift is in question (and since they're very close to you, it is probably a very nice, personal gift), they will question it.

I don't think you're greedy at all; the way you phrased the question was with concern over making sure these people were thanked in the correct manner.  Speaking of manners, always being polite is one of them, which you have been.

Congrats!

Answer 3

I had the same thing happen,  I did what you did, we were like Wow we didn't get anything from so and so, but no big wup.  Sent everyone a "thank you" card.  

Answer 4

Sounds like you have a good plan in place.  If they did stiff you on a gift, which they might have, than you are doing the right thing by giving them a Thank you for attending the wedding anyhow.

Answer 5

Yes, that sounds appropriate, you can even state that "if you shared in our day, gave a gift or gave a hug" we thank you.  They may have forgot or just waiting to send something later.

Answer 6

If some intoxicated people loaded up the gifts, I would ask the people who gave them to you. If they usually give you gifts, they must be understanding in some way... just approach them gently.

Still send them a thank you card, of course, but still: If you don't ask them about the gifts, they might freak out and ask you if you liked it because they thought the gifts were perfect for you or something. It would be hard telling them about how you avoided it because you weren't sure and you're so sorry they were somehow misplaced.

Answer 7

Hi.  I definitely agree with sending them the generic thank you.

The bigger question remains.....if these people usually gift....WHERE is the gift?  Do you think perhaps they were stolen?  I would try to "ask around" to inquire if someone knows that "yes, Aunt Betty bought you a beautiful vase" and that is one that is missing....then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

But, in any case, YES, send them the generic thank you note.

Answer 8

I think I'd get some help with this.

With the relatives, I would have the parents do the dirty work.  Have your mom or his mom call the relatives and see what the story is.  It will be less awkward for everyone involved.  

For your friends, find a mutual friend to ask.  Have them share the story of the drunken car loaders and relay you're embarrassed to say that they lost gifts.  If those friends didn't, in fact, get you anything, it would be way less embarrassing for them to confess it to someone other than you (or they can say "oh, it's on the way - Crate and Barrel had it backordered").

I thinks I would rather be asked about a gift than receive a generic thank you card.  

Answer 9

I think the general thank you is the right thing to do.  That way, if they did give gifts they will feel that they were acknowledged.  If they didn't give gifts, they won't feel embarrassed or pressured to do so.

Answer 10

I think if your family members feel the way they do then they shou;d be the ones to call and ask what happened or if a gift was given.  I think you did the right thing because you can never be too sure.  My mother-in-law, my brother, my brother and sister-in-law, good friend and her fiance and bestman did not give gifts at the wedding.  we go a gift from our bestman a week later, but the others gave nothing.  we also didnt care, but is just goes to show people you think would give gifts dont always and you dont want to make them look or feel bad in case they really didnt give anything.

Answer 11

You were completely correct in thanking them as you did. You do not want to bring it up to the guests that you do not have a gift from them- under any circumstances (whether they were lost or not given!). It is first their right to not give a gift, and second, if they did and it were lost, they may feel worse about it and give another gift, which would not be a good position to put them in. Same goes for any broken gifts, you wouldn't want to say "thank you for the vase, but it was broken when we opened it." So, please tell your family it would be inappropriate to say "thank you for coming, but we didn't receive a gift from you."

If you have a nosy aunt or someone who knows these people, she may be able to find out if the curiosity kills your family by asking "oh, I got Martha and George a cute little serving dish for their wedding, even though I thought it would be hard to shop for them." See if that baits a response.

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for wedding gifts to be stolen or "misplaced". Too bad the intoxicated helpers weren't a little more attentive but I hope they are trustworthy enough that the thought of stolen cards hasn't been raised. I'm sorry for the grief this has caused any way.

Answer 12

I am sort of a bold person, and when you described what could of happened you peaked my curiosity. I would call them right up and say " I just wanted to call you and thank you for coming to the wedding. I am filing out the thank you cards, and I noticed we did not get a gift from you. Is this correct? (Then be silent, if they say "yes, we did not give you anything" then you can simply say "ok, well, I did not think so, but I wanted to make sure. So many people were helping with gifts that night, and I wanted to make sure there were not lost gifts" If they say "yes, we did give a gift" explain to them that you never got it, that you don't want another one, but you wanted to thank them just the same.  

Answer 13

It's not exactly the same but when my daughter turned four, my aunt who has always remembered every event we have ever had with a gift had not sent something.  This struck me as strange, since she had specifically asked for gift ideas and sizes.  So I waited until it was a week after her birthday, then sent an email with a family update and the information that if she had sent something for my daughter, nothing had arrived.  She followed up with the shipping company-the gift had been sent almost a week before my daughter's birthday-they had shipped it to the incorrect address, and the people there had accepted the package!  So she got her insurance money from UPS, bought and shipped a new gift.  I think the general thank you is fine, but if you normally send item specific thank you notes they may find it strange.

Answer 14

I wouldn't ask them directly as it might cause embarrassment if they didn't give you a gift. If you could get another family member who is close to them to subtly find out whether they gave you a gift that could be an option. Otherwise I think you're right to just send a general thank you.