Family - do you think that children should care for their elderly parents?

Question

I just wondered why western societies seem to not look after the elderly well. Many are put into care homes when they could live with adult children/their families. Some ofcourse need intensive looking after and specialist help but not all.

Personally I have my old Dad living with my family and I just can never imagine ever not caring for him. To me it is no burden or chore and the least I can do really considering he looked after me so well etc

Just feel that our wider society has a really selfish and blinkered view of family sometimes so wanted to see what others thought too. Thanks

Answer 1

I am doing it too.  I feel like a nurse sometimes.  My mom is incontinent and I never thought I 'd be doing what I have to do. But I think after going through the kidney disease, 3 strokes and now a trauma to the brain from falling, nothing phases me anymore about caregiving.  So to answer your question, I think if the person is able, strong, has some cash and wants to do it, they should look after their parents with sibling help, if any.  Sometimes as you've said, a nursing home or assisted living has to be done depending on the circumstances.  But I think most people do care for their aging parents.  You probably just hear about the ones that don't.

Answer 2

I have only been married two years, my husband has only known my mother 4.  My mother does not know who I am, or anyone else for that matter.  She does not know what time of day it is, therefor, she is up at all hours.  She does not know that she needs to eat, when to go to the toilet.  I work full time, as does my husband.  Should I burden my 33 year old husband with a 83 year old virtual stranger, who doesn't know where she is, or who she is.  My mother has never been happier, she has company all the time.  She has 24 hour care.  She has her dignity.  Not her daughter bathing her and wiping her backside.  My mother would never want to put that on any of us.  She has always been so unselfish.  No matter how much I loved her, it is just not possible for my family to look after her.  It is a job for at least two people, full time.  I lost my mother years ago to Alzheimer's.  Don't judge others for their actions, just because you have given up your life up.  Just how bad is your Father?  It is hard enough coping with the situation to start with without people like you getting all goody two shoes about it.  Get some facts about alzheimer's, then open your gob.

Answer 3

I think that its wonderful to care for an ageing parent if you are able to do so and if the parent wishes it to be so.  However, if there is a health issue then either a great deal of support is needed or the main carer can easily become exhausted.  On the other hand some older people would prefer the company of their peers and are extremely happy living in sheltered or managed accommodation where they can live independently with friends of their own age and interests. I think that every situation is different and should be judged on it's own merits taking into account the needs not only of the family but the needs and desires of the parent too.  

Answer 4

I definitely feel that the younger generation should take some responsibility in helping their elderly parents. My mother is 86 and I help take care of her physically and financially. After all, they gave us like and took care of us when we could not care for ourselves

I am not sure the younger generation realizes how much our parents had to suffer and do without to take care of us. I think God expects us to take care of the two most important and precious people He gave us and that is our parents.

The world is turning on their backs on the older folks but if the world Last long enough we will all get old and may not be in a position to take care of ourselves. We do not know will happen to us between now and the time we die. But we do know that God commands is to Honor Thy Mother and Father that their days would be long. This is one of the ten commandments not just a suggestion He has made.

I believe there much too many older people being tossed aside when they are not needed anymore and the adult children are not willing to sacrifice to help and love those who gave us life. And no one had a perfect life and I cannot stand to hear so many people blaming their parents for their own mistakes and improper behavior.

May we all love, honor and respect our parents and help them if we can.

Answer 5

I think that you should - if you can.  It isn't always that simple now though.  A generation ago not so many women worked and they could stay at home to look after children or grandparents as needed.  Families tended to live closer together, certainly within the same country if not the same community which made it easier for keeping an eye on someone or moving them in with you.

At the time my parents (might) need caring for I will still be working meaning I'm not actually home to care for them much!  If either of my children still live at home then the house won't be big enough.  If they have difficulty with stairs then my house will be totally unsuitable.  Also they live in another town (not too far, but far enough) and I can't imagine them wanting to move just so they could live in my house!

Maybe all those are selfish reasons and could be overcome with small adjustments to lifestyle but I think that I have developed those expectations through the way I was brought up.  My mum didn't give up her career to look after me - I went to nursery.  I didn't give up my career to look after my children - they go to nursery.  And I don't expect my children to give up their careers to care for me in 50 years time.  If it is appropriate for them to live near me, keep an eye on me etc then that will be nice; but when it reaches the point that I can no longer live in my own home then I expect I will go in to a very nice residential home where I can sit and gossip about "the old days" with my peers!  This will create employment for the carers, means my children can both continue to work which will be good for their own family economics and hopefully provide more stimulation than I would get sat in a house with the daughter I am normally at war with!

All that said; a very good friend of mine cares for her mum.  She had an extension built on her house so that mum could live there "independently".  Mum takes up about 18 hours a day leaving no room for anything else.  Luckily my friend is single and doesn't need to work - she wishes she did so that she could have a break!

Answer 6

I am from Oklahoma and I am both of my parents caregiver. They raised me for 18+ years and not one time did they have some one else to raise and take care of me. I am my parents caregiver out of love. I do it cause I want to and not because I feel like it is my duty to do so. I gave up a good paying job and came home to care for them. I don't live with them, but right next to them. I am not saying that I will never have one of both of them put in a home, but I don't plan on doing it either. Should would one or both of them get to the point that they require 24/7 care, at that point I will have no choice but put one or both in a home. As long as I can care for them at home, that is what I plan to do.

One of my grandmas would not let any one come live with her nor would she live with someone to help care for her. She threw a fit about either topic, she wanted to live in a nursing home.

My other grandma did in fact live with her only son until another member of his wife's family became ill. Then mom started taking care of grandma.

I worked in a nursing home myself for a short time and I hated what all I seen going on in it.  

Answer 7

In an ideal world of course they should but there is no right or wrong answer to this.  Many families rely on the income of all adults in the house working and could not work and care 24/7 for an elderly relative.  Also, if there are young children in the house the elderly person might find it very difficult living there.

Also, if the elderly person has mental health problems or physical problems the family might not be able to cope.  I worked in a home with elderly mentally impared elderly and some of those could not safely be near young children - they were violent and often lashed out with no notice and, as far as we could tell, no reason.  

Every family and every older person has different needs and sometimes these cannot gel so the best has to be done for all situations.  You cannot generalise.

Answer 8

I think if people are able and have a reason to respect and love their parents, then it is a good thing to do.  However, there are some terrible parents, who have lived selfish lives and you usually reap what you sow.  These days many women work and it is usually the women who bare the brunt of the caring in a household.  I gave birth to my children for selfish reasons, because I wanted to have them.  They owe me nothing.  However, they are good children because I have loved them and looked after them and perhaps I will benefit from that in some ways.  I certainly don't expect them to have me live with them and put a strain on their marriages and I wouldn't want to live with them anyway.

Answer 9

My parents have made it very clear that they will never come to live with any of us.  They do not want to burden us.  They have made the necessary arrangements for care if they are not able to care for themselves.  Not every family has the means or the time to care for their elderly parents.  For those that can care for their parents, that's great, but for those that cannot, it isn't just because they are selfish.

Answer 10

i think people should look after their elderly parents, but some people are unable to do this. they may have their own children, a full time job, little income or simply unable to. but if they have the time, money and energy they should.  

Answer 11

I cared for my parents and managed to keep them out of a nursing home.  It was the right thing to do.

Answer 12

I did and I'm glad I had the opportunity to do it.

Answer 13

There is no "one size fits all" answer to this question.  It really depends on the particular family's circumstances.  Obviously, parents who abused or neglected their kids can hardly expect their kids to look after them in their old age.  It's lucky for you that you have the financial wherewithal and time to care for your dad, and that you and your spouse get along with him.  But that's simply not the case for all families.  There are million legitimate reasons that are not "selfish" or "blinkered" that would justify a family's choice not to have an aging parent live with them.

Answer 14

I think each individual case is different. Sometimes they need more care than a family can give, or it takes more for the care than they can afford. I've noticed that whatever the elder was as a younger person, then that is magnified as they get older. Nice... much nicer. Mean... much meaner. Cranky... much crankier. You need to be able to deal with that.

We had my dad in Assisted Living. He would have been a handful to take care of. However, someone was there to visit with him on a daily or almost-daily basis. We brought him to our homes for dinners and special occasions. But no one in our family was equipped to deal with his deterioration on a daily basis. We had his best interests in mind.

The people I really feel sorry for are the kids who have this on their shoulders alone. It was much easier to give care and make decisions with my sister and brother.

Answer 15

Care for them - Yes. Look after them - Yes. Have them live with you - NO! NO! NO! NO!

If you want to hold the memory of a caring and loving parent then don't have them to live with you. I have my Dad in Law living with me and it's a nightmare.

Maybe i'm just too set in my ways but I wish I hadn't suggested it.  

Answer 16

I worked in a nursing home & saw it all. The families who simply had no means of caring for their loved one at home, took turns coming to visit their loved one daily. While there, they would help feed their loved one if he/she was unable to feed themselves. They clean their loved one up, fluffed  up their pillows, tended to their hygiene needs, combed their hair,  trimmed their nails, read to them, etc. The families who couldn't be bothered to take care of their loved one, even though they had the means of doing so, rarely came to visit. My heart ached for the residents who waited day after day for the family, who never or rarely ever showed up. I'm glad that you are taking such great  care of your dad & I like your attitude. Your father is blessed to have such a loving & caring daughter. Bless you both!

Answer 17

This would have to be one of the most-asked questions on this site. And the answer is always the same....each family is different, and what works well for one might not work well for another. Enjoy your time with your Dad - I'm sure it is a very special relationship, but not everyone is in the position to do what you are doing. And not every parent is able or willing to put themselves in their childrens' care. Its like everything else in life - we're all different.

Answer 18

I'm very lucky because I was able to care for my father who had Alzheimer disease and mother who had pancreatic cancer until they both died . I would not of had it any other way and would of never put them in a nursing home. I know that some folks are not able to do that even if they wanted to so then they should visit the home on a regular basis. I know I sure miss my mother and father but I have a lot of wonderful memories in my heart.

Answer 19

Mine care about me, but I don't want to be a bearden on them and have to have them care for me.

Answer 20

It would be nice if children wanted to take care of their parents and could afford to do so but its not always possible. In some cases they don't have the time, room or money to do this so it would not benefit either the parents or the child.

Not all parents were good parents and not all children are caring.

Its very  much an individual decision and in most cases doesn't have anything to do about being selfish or feeling its an unfair burden.

In some countries its common place for families to keep their elders at home. In other countries its more common place for the older adults to purchase services to allow them to stay in their own home or they have resources to cover long term care in a facility.  

Answer 21

I think its only right that if your parents looked after you well then in old age we should look after our parents...

Just like you say there is some that need speciality help that is diffrent,but if your parents are in agreement then there should be no reason not to care for them....

Another bonus is if you have still got children at home then they benefit from having a grandparent on hand....

Answer 22

I have to agree with Chris.  Alzheimer's is a terrible disease, but it is much harder on the family and the care givers than the patient.  

Answer 23

We currently live in a social order that thrives on creating 'guilt', and a sense of 'obligation' and 'duty' amongst folks. . . caring for family members is a big issue - for a myriad of spoken reasons.

Should children (adults) care for their elderly parents?

Adults SHOULD do ONLY what they choose is good and right for themselves . . . as their parents SHOULD have taught them in their growing years.

And - remember this -

Other societies (Inuit and other N American indigenous folks) did not have an issue with elderly family - history shows that there was no question about 'care'.  

Answer 24

i do because their partnets cared for them when they were younger so they should return the favour

Answer 25

OF COURSE! if your fully capable I'd say that their kid's owe that to them because when we were baby's are parents fed us took care of us........the whole nine yards, so yes children  defiantly should care for their elderly parents not put them in a care home it's commonsense  (wouldn't do that to my Mother) but I also have to side with Buddha's suggestion too.

Answer 26

I've cared for both of my parents before they passed. But I am not so sure if I want my childern caring for me. Each case has to be analized before any decision is made. Every case is different.

Answer 27

It is because their children are ungrateful, and greedy.

Answer 28

Some parents don't deserve it.  Some parents were so abusive that their children,  rightfully, want nothing to do with them.  I used to do volunteer work in a nursing home and believe me most "abandoned" parents earned it(and they weren't exactly abandoned, their kids paid their considerable bills).  We actually had to ask some to leave because they were so disruptive.  You reap what you sow.

Answer 29

I cared for my parents and there was never even a question about if I would.  That is "family" and I expect my kids to take care of me too.

Answer 30

Not every one can deal with the personal needs of others when its your parent it depends on your dynamics in my case i took care of my mother har last seven and although i would do it again..she was in her fifites and bitter..personalities have alot to do with it especially when they get to where you can't leave the house with out some one there it is hard to find people.  This is something that should be decided with the entire  family . although more often than not it ends up being one person.  Good Luck and Bless You for trying.

Answer 31

Only out of love,  never out of duty.