Family issues- baby due very soon...

Question

Okay very long story short. My ex (together 3 years) and I have a beautiful baby boy on the way (a week!). He left me soon after discovering I was pregnant (fight, not because I was pregnant) and did not support me during the pregnancy in any way- in fact he was quite a jerk.

Now he wants to come back for the baby's delivery. I have made it clear if he comes back it will be about the baby and not us because there is obviously a lot of hurt and I don't need the stress/distraction right now.

Problem- My mother is going crazy mad. She feels (and I can see her point) that he is a deadbeat and should not be welcommed back for "dessert" or the finished product and should not be in the delivery room or around the baby or me. She also feels she has been there to support me and that by allowing him to come I am "slapping her in the face." I agree but feel he is the child's father and someday I would regret not allowing him to partake in the experience.

Question- How do I get my mom to understand she needs to not like but support and be cordial (not friends) with my ex for my sake and the babys. I do not want to have to choose sides or deal with their chaos. Do I warn him or her feelings?

Note- she is not an easy person to convince. I would also appreciate you keep your foul comments to yourselves about him being a POS, her needing to mind her own etc...

Answer 1

oh that's a hard one well i would know how to speak with your mom i have one the same hard headed! but just tell her that she will always be the first that you come too. he needs to be their not for you or her but for the child that will change both of your life's. yes shes been their and she always will.

you can tell her that thats a good sign that he wants to be in your childs life and she should be honored not all men respond that same b being their.

remind her that you will need assistance and you dont want to take her for granted and extra hands wont hurt.

(child support will be good )lol jk

plus he could be their to sign the birth certificate and i mean hopefully he doesnt  gives you a bad time with child support its best to keep enemies closer but not that close.

Answer 2

My only advice is that a child NEEDS!!!! a father figure. At least in my opinion. It's tough growing up without a father even if their parents are seperated. That would be my advice. Good luck!

Answer 3

Your mom does not really have a choice whether or not the child's father has anything to do with it...you should absolutely let him in during the delivery, as long as he wants to do something that is great. Your son should be able to know his father. You did the right thing by letting him back in but letting him know that its strictly about the baby, and you shouldn't not have to worry yourself in trying to convince your mother anything. The point is, that's the child's father, and there is nothing that she can do to change that, would she like him NOT to be in the baby's life? No, you have enough to worry about. Don't let this become an issue for you. Good luck!

Answer 4

Is he wanting to be in the delivery room?  Do you really want him in there for that part of it?  It's really your decision.  I think it may go smoother if he were waiting in the visitors room, and your Mom was with you during delivery, but it really comes down to what you want.  Is he planning on paying for half the medical expenses like he should?  That doesn't give him a right to be in the room with you if you don't want him, but maybe that might help soothe your mother.  And I can see how she's upset because she was probably the one who was there for you, helping with Dr. visits, baby gear, etc and now the father wants to swoop in after the prep work is all done and you're stuck in the middle.  Anyway, just tell her you are going to have to deal with this man for the next 18 years whether you like it or not, and would like to keep it as peaceful as possible for the sake of your child.  Let her know that you love her and you aren't trying to hurt her, but this is about the baby and the baby's future.  When/if visitation is set up you don't want it to be h**l between both you and the father, because then it will your child who's stuck in the middle.

Answer 5

I agree with your mother...Why should he be allowed to be in the delivery room? So after you have is child , he can disapear again. He's a looser.

What you should do is allow him to see is baby after he is born, and serve him child support papers right after that. Good Luck honey...

he does not deserve to be in that room with you...so he can see how much pain your in?  

Answer 6

Say, "Hey mom, I understand your point of view but I need to you to respect mine.  You don't have to like him but could you be nice for mine and the new baby's sake?  If this is going to be a problem for you do you want to wait until after the baby is born to come in?  I don't want any trouble and if you are going to cause a problem I will have to ask you to leave immediately"

Answer 7

The baby will almost always be better off having an involved father so taking him out of this experience will only serve to damage your child's future. I think you understand that since you do seem to want him in on the experience even though your feelings regarding him being a jerk haven't changed.

I would try explaining to your mother that the relationship between him and you and between him and your mom have absolutely nothing to do with the relationship between him and the baby. Meaning, regardless of whether you like him or your mother likes him or he has been there for you, this child is going to want a father and if you still believe that he could be there for the child then you need to give him that opportunity. Taking away this experience can only serve to damage that relationship. Doing it out of spite because you don't have a good relationship with him anymore is only going to hurt the baby. Despite her wanting to, your mother can never take the place of this child's father. She needs to recognize that she is your mother and she can offer all the support in the world to you and be the best grandmother ever but the relationship between a father and child exists seperately from this and that relationship needs to be given a chance and nurtured despite your moms or your feelings about him.

The only way that I think this is different is if you think the father may harm the child. Otherwise, let him in on the experience. It's his child too afterall. If your mother doesn't like it then you may have to agree to disagree and do what you think is right for the baby. Your priority now is your child's well being and future, not your mother's feelings.  

Answer 8

tell her with respect. Sit her down and talk to her in a subtle and firm way. Your child needs his father no matter what, and it is not fair to the baby that because of your moms selfishness, the baby wont get to have a father. Tell your mom that she needs to understand that your ex will only be there for the sake of the baby, FOR THE SAKE OF THE BABY. Try to ween your mom into helping the baby, not your, but the baby

Answer 9

I think you really shouldn't let him into your lives You don't need him you have your mom to support you with love and care...I would be upset to that my baby girls man abandoned her in her fragile state.You'll be a mom someday and you will understand her completely But if this guy wants in why? why now? I let my jerk in and he now controls everything in my sons life and mine and were not together It wasn't  for the better and he doesn't financially support him he claims taxes before i can I have a big mess for the next 18 years I hate it  and him don't make the same mistake and don't give your child his name or any rights to your baby.

Answer 10

first off congradulations.

this situation happen to my friend ,

first off who will be supporting you and the baby? are you still living at home or out on your own, ? think about that .



second ya this guy was a real jerk but he has every right to be given a chance to be a good FATHER , your mom had no part in making the baby so her wants shouldnt really matter to much i understand she will be hurt but she will have to learn to get over it and fast. She is the grandma not the mom or the father and i completely understand her being apart of it and how she would feel but you need to remember if you want a civilized relationship w ur ex u need to keep ur mom in check and to not over step her boundries your gonna be a mom so its time to start standing up and putting ur foot down and making the hard decisions. Sit your mom down and tell her its not like you are doing this for him but for the baby so later down the line you dont look like the bad one give him a chance and let him dig himself into a hole dont just throw him in there and bury him alive he might suprise you that seeing his child for the first time he may change in be a better man. Give him a change he deserves that for the baby,. b4 the delivery get every one in a room and say " look no body is gonna talk im gonna be doing all the talking so just listen. What ever has happen in the past is done with forgotten for the sake of my baby and so you get to be apart of its life than you will have to get along no if ins or butts , fake it if you have to just be nice for the sake of the babies upbringing and that when you go to the hospital that ur ex is gonna be in the room to see his baby be born but ( to ur ex ) if you so much as flake or dont show up in time my mom will be stepping in.( dont let ur mom make the call she might not so she can step in )  and thats that ive made my decision now deal with it and dont give me any c**p im gonna be a new mom i have enough to stress about so grow up i cant wory about u two kids anymore i need to worry about only one baby and thats mine . so now that we have everything squared away things should be less tense around here.

best of luck it sucks to deal with family petty drama with such a beautiful thing to happen in ur life .