Father / daughter incest?

Question

We recently found out that my daughter had an incest relationship with her father. When we first suspected it we (my current hubby and I) went to confront him about it. He denied ever having touched her. But hours later killed himself. Apparently he said he could not live with the "outrageous allegation" and because of my husband and I - he had to kill himself. Now his family is calling me a murderer. How much should I tell my daughter about his death?

Answer 1

first of all his suicide was unrelated to you, second of all his family is in the angry shock stage and that's why they blame this on you. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE KILLED HIMSELF! and don't ever let anyone tell you differently. i am not sure how old your daughter is. if she is a teen and can comprehend what you want to tell her then yes tell her and be honest, but don't explain it like you have here. if she is little, 12 or younger, tell her only what you think she will understand.

when my oldest son was about 2 his dad committed suicide, i left it as daddy had an accident and he died. as he got older and start really asking question, i told him that his dad was depressed and felt as if he could not talk or work it out. i also told my son to always remember that everything is temporary and will change in a few days. now that my son is old enough to understand, i explain to him what i understand with out glamorizing his dad's death and i still remind him that every problem is temporary and will eventually work itself out, even if it does not feel that way right now.

my heart goes out to you, i can feel your pain as i read your question. you can email me if you need help.

Answer 2

What is her age?  I am assuming that she is going to counseling if she is old enough.  If so ask the counselor how to handle it.  If she is not seeing someone than you need to talk with someone and find out to handle this.

As to your ex's family s***w them.  I would never see them again.  I would also not allow your daughter either  unless they are supervised visits.  They may say bad things about you and your current husband.

Answer 3

OMG!! first of all you are not a murderer know that. His family is just hurting right now and have no one else to blame because god forbid their son,bro,cuz or whatever had some deep issues that they were unaware of. You should ask your daughter if this incest did infact occur and tell her the truth about the situation if she is old enough to know. The truth is better then her finding out later anyway.

Answer 4

No one "causes" someone else to commit suicide.  It is a choice on the deceased's to do so.  No one controls anothers behavior unless they are in prison.  

Try and ignore/overcome what others are saying to you and take charge of your life.

Incest is not as bad as they say.

Answer 5

wow that is a tough one. how did you guys find out about the relationship? however you decide to tell your daughter i wish you the best of luck

Answer 6

This is the stuff that need counselling and psychologist input.  I think they would give her an interview to assess the situation first, then they can tell you what to do.  I don't think your daughter would tell you everything.    

I think there's also a timing issue here, your daughter will be angry in the future if you don't tell her early.

Answer 7

It depends how old your daughter is.  If she is old enough to hear the whole truth then I would tell her, but ensure her that she go see a doctor about it.  She needs to talk about it.  Good luck and I'm so sorry that happend to you.

Answer 8

That depends on her age as well as her mentality. She will know her father is dead obviously. If she isn't able to handle more dont tell her. Your response to your suspicions should have been a phone call to the police/DCF NOT a visit to your ex.

Answer 9

unless you do it with your own hands you are not responsible. if your daughter is the one who exposed him for what he did, she will probably come to understand why he took his own life. your daughter is too traumatized right now to give any explanations to her dad's family as to what happened, but she is the only one who can set the record straight. maybe one day she will. they should not be your priority, just making sure your daughter is well, that's your priority.

Answer 10

Depending on her age, you should be able to tell her the whole truth. I'm 15 right now, and I'm somewhat mature for my age. When I was 8 or 9 I probably would have been able to handle the whole truth. If she's any younger than 6 though, I would just tell her that her real dad isn't coming back, and wait until she's old enough to know. I wouldn't tell your ex-husbands family though, that's up to her to tell people, not you. If she's old enough to know the truth, then you should have her see a therapist.. it's not healthy to keep something like that silent. I wish you the best of luck and I'm very sorry this happened to you and your family.

Answer 11

Your whole family should seek professional help for this.  This issue is way too much for you all to handle on your own.  Please seek some guidance through this from a therapist and be sure your daughter has a safe person to discuss this stuff with as she grows up, she's got a rough road ahead.

As far as his family calling you a murderer?! They need to reexamine what this man's life was all about.  I don't think a lot of mentally stable innocent people would kill themselves over an "outrageous allegation".  Wow, they are delusional.

Good luck.

Answer 12

Honestly, I think you need to tell her everything. She has the right to know. But after you tell her, you might want to have her put on suicide watch. If he reacted like that then she might try to do the same.

As for his family, their grieving and they need someone to blame for their sadness. I hate to say it (or type it), but you and your current husband are just easy targets for them. If anything else comes of it, like one of them threatens you or something, I would call the police. But as it stands right now, just let them greive