Favorite Comedian and Joke?

Question

Okay, I've been really stressed these past couple weeks with summer homework that I've put off, so I'd like a little break. I was hoping you could tell me who your favorite comedian(s) is an your favorite joke by him/her. Thanks!

I'll start off... My favorites are Demetri Martin and Mitch Hedberg

My favorite Jokes are "I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds. You know. Rock breaks scissors. These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose. Scissors cuts paper. These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together. Paper covers rock. Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks. There should be Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors." - Demetri Martin

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something." - Mitch Hedberg

Those jokes might not seem that funny, but the delivery makes them fantastic. So tell me your favorites!

Answer 1

Charlie Chaplin and here my joke:

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself,

"Two plus five, the son of a bitc... is seven.

Three plus six, the son of a bitc... is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in maths?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the sonof a bitc... is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Answer 2

I like a few -

The late George Carlin was hilarious and very witty

Chris Rock

Steve Harvey

Answer 3

When you win medals at the olympics it's like this gold is the best because you win, bronze is like at least you got something but when you tell somebody you got silver it's like i'm the best loser because i was first behing the winner and the person will ask oh! how much did you lose by 1/1000 of a second.-Jerry Seinfeld

Answer 4

Joan Rivers...one of many. My favourite line.

If God had intended women to exercise, he'd have put diamonds on the floor.  

Answer 5

omg!! im gunna give u this url. its rlly funnny. he is a comedian and his name is eddie izzard, ever heard about him? WELL U HAV TO WATCH THIS!! here is the url: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6C_HjWr3...

ITS RLLY FUNNY