Favorite funny quotes?

Question

Favorite funny quotes?

Answer 1

Here are some of my favorites:

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten.

My house is so dirty the dust bunnies have turned into fuzzy buffalos.

You can either agree with me, or be wrong.

Fame is written in ice and eventually the sun comes out.

The minutes spent at the dinner table will not make you fat, the seconds will.

I've been waiting so long to see the doctor, I think I recovered.

Skydivers are good to the last drop.

Warning:  Humor may be hazardous to your depression.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A guy goes into a second-hand shop to buy one for his watch.

I've been waiting so long to see the doctor, I think I recovered.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

A man isn't complete until he's married.  After that, he's finished.

Answer 2

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

the above are by George Carlin

"Some people say that I must be a terrible person, but it’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy in a jar on my desk" -Stephen King

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." Lily Tomlin

Answer 3

"i can't believe it's not porno"

Answer 4

Epitaph: "I told you I was sick!"

Next one:

I think that I will never see

A billboard lovely as a tree

Indeed unless the billboards fall

I will never see a tree at all

I believe that is Ogden Nash

Answer 5

Actually, I will share this quote not that we are having at present a threatening typhoon named Helen. But because I found this first portion of the poem by Judy Grahn entitled "One For Helen" and I found it as realistically funny.

         What did the Greeks steal

         when they stole Helen of Troy -

         what was the loot, the beauty?

         Was it only a face, some graces -

         a s*x toy?

Answer 6

from sherk...XD

well acually donkey says it...

"I'm Making waffles!"