Fear and Respect of a parent what do you think?

Question

I had a question up about discipline for a toddler which gave me a whole new question to ask!

Do you think that putting "fear" into your children to listen to you is making them respect you?

I don't see them as the same and I would never want my children to "fear" me to listen, but I want them to respect me and listen, does this make sense? Is it the same thing? I see fear of a parent far different from respect for a parent.

I don't want my child to be fearful, like I do something bad my parent is going to hurt me, but how do you gain respect without fear? Is it possible? Will I never succeed as a parent if my children don't fear me?

Explain to me what you think about this: Fear or Respect / Fear and respect?

Answer 1

Fear and respect ARE two totally different things, although sometimes the word "fear" can be used to mean being reverent, as opposed to meaning being afraid.

In any case, this is what I believe about fear and respect:

Being respectful and loving to my children caused them to be respectful and loving to me. My children do not fear me because I do not re-act to my anger and frustration towards them. Sure, I am human. I DO get angry and frustrated sometimes. But I do not act out because of it. My children do not see me yell, hit, spank, slam things around, stomp or any other 'tantrum's behavior that is cause by anger and frustration. I have never 'lost control' and did something harmful to them because I was angry at them so they do not fear me doing something harmful to them .Any punishments (and in our house that does include a spanking sometimes) has never been because of my (or my husband's) anger or frustration. It has always been a direct result of their misbehavior, so my children do not confuse punishment with 'mom's temper'.

They respect me because I am respectful of them. If their bedroom door is shut, I knock, if they are on the phone, I am quiet, if they want to speak, I listen. If I make a mistake, I apologize. They see me allow the other driver to come on over into my lane without getting upset. They watch me speak to other people with respect . All of these things (and more) have caused my children to see that I am a person who treats other's with respect and therefore they treat me with respect. Another wonderful thing about all of this is that they treat other people with respect too.

Children do not have to fear a parent just because he/she uses discipline and sets limits. Respect comes from a mutual understanding of each other's personal value...fear comes from abuse and hatefulness.

Answer 2

i think there is a BIG difference in the meaning fear. you child should fear he has upset you and knows you will be upset and a discipline is on the way. but not a fear that you are going to hurt them in anyway. if your child fears you because they know the talk is coming, that's good that is respectful. but the fear of pain is very sad. you can teach your children discipline and knowledge without a scary fear. my kids are adopted and they feared me for a long time. they thought i would hurt them. now they fear me because they did something bad and mama is going to ground and talk to them there is a big difference

Answer 3

i don't think a child should fear a parent because when they turn 18 the fear is lifted and then what happens? If a child respects a parent they can be a helpful confident for life.

Answer 4

I don't really want my kids to fear me... but I do want them to think about the consequences of their actions which perhaps they should fear.  Fear is part of life and they need to acknowledge it and know how to manage it.  When I say fear, I don't mean life threatening fear.. .just like you know you need to perform at work or you might get fired sort of fear.  

Also, I don't like when kids obey simply out of fear or simply out of obedience.  My sister's miltiant-like husband insisted the kids do exactly what they where told, when they were told, no questions asked.  So as they got older (they are all college and beyond now) these boys had such a struggle making decisions and choosing schools and majors and classes, etc.  And it was their DAD who couldn't understand why!!   All their lives they were told what to do and now with all the autonomy, he expects them to make major decisions!  

Anyway, that's my 2 cents

Answer 5

Never a fear of you, but a fear of TROUBLE

Answer 6

I think it is okay for a child to fear their parent...for example...to fear that the parent will be disappointed in them...but NOT fear that my parent will hurt me.

We all have different types of fears.  I absolutely think you can succeed as a parent without your child fearing that you will physically punish them. There is a definite difference between fear and respect. Just think about all of the adults that you respect but don't necessarily fear.

Answer 7

Bringing your kids up to be (reasonably) obedient using respect takes so much longer than using fear. Sometimes with my toddler I think a bit of fear would make my job a lot easier, but that's only in the short term.

To parent with respect, you need to have certain tools at your command. Patience, obviously, but we all run out sometimes. It is easier to keep stretching out that last scrap of patience if you have support from your partner. Support in that he makes sure you get your time away to recharge, and supporting your style of parenting. You both have to be on the same page or one ends up the nice one and the other ends up the "meanie" and you end up undermining each other instead of acting like a team. You need to have other strategies to routinely put in place. These can be found from nice Yahoo Answers discussions, blogs, books, other parents you know. "OMG, I'm never going to do THAT to my kid!" is only half the story. The other half is what you are going to do instead. I've learn some really useful phrases and attitudes from other mums at playgroup. If you don't like the way people around you parent, you have to go and find people who parent the way you want to. Create the right sort of environment, I guess. The other thing you have to do is keep yourself up to date with what is developmentally appropriate behaviour. A 9 year old should be able to behave quietly in the shop even if really tired. That's an unreasonable request to a 2 year old. You've a much higher chance of your kids being reasonable if you are being reasonable!

Of course, nothing works all of the time, and sometimes we shout. I guess, at the end of it all, when my kids have grown up and moved out, I want them to think "Mum's a funny old stick, but she's alright." Not "Oh, h**l. Mum's invited us for dinner, what can we say to get out of it!" I want them to feel I'm the sort of person they can talk to, not that I'm going to scorn them, hold whatever they say against them forever, treat them like a baby, or alternatively treat them as though they ought to be more grown up that they can possibly be. It's one thing to knock a 30 year old for acting like a teenager, but it's to be expected that a teenager will act like one. They shouldn't be criticised for it, just encouraged to keep maturing. I want my kids to be allowed to express their negative emotions, like I do, but for us all to make sure we express them appropriately. I find it annoying that people will expect their small children not to cry when told "No." In my opinion, the child is well within their rights to be upset and cry. But that doesn't mean I'm obliged to do anything but sympathise. "I know you are upset, but Mamma said no," then leave them to it.

Two of the phrases that have really helped me keep the right frame of mine were from one of the playgroup mums. "It's ok, they're just learning (to eat nicely, share etc)" and "It's ok. Accidents happen sometimes." It reminds me to applaud the progress they are making, instead of criticising what they haven't learned yet; and that accidents are accidents and don't deserve punishment. You just have to help clean up the mess. The lovely thing about this playgroup was the "big" kids would defend the little kids to us by using those same lines :)

We have a plan, and we can only do our best. The better the plan, the better the chance of success, methinks. Even if we do lose our patience and shout sometimes.

One thing that stuck in my mind was when I had my daughter, my mother told me she wished she had parented the way she wanted to instead of the way she thought she should. Do what feels right for you and your family.

Answer 8

you know your child fears you when you reach out to give them a hug and they flinch

Answer 9

My step-son fears his mother soo much that that he will lie to other people instead of telling the true just in case his mom finds out he told the truth and get mad at him, he is constantly watching her looking over his shoulder to see if he has her approval to even breath, its horrible we have to make him go back to her...

Answer 10

You let them know that you love them but you won't give any positive attention or any attention to bad behavior. Children want attention more than anything (except love). When my kids were toddlers, a firm "No" and walking off if it continued would bring on almost an immediate apology.

Answer 11

Your child does not have to fear you to respect you and you will not fail as a parent if your child doesn't fear you.

It is hard to put the fear in a child unless extreme measures are taking by you and you only or someone is telling them otherwise. Time-outs,yelling NO,firm verbal warning,and spankings do not put fear into your child....they instill discipline and teach your child that YOU are in charge NOT them. That is all punishment is...nothing more nothing less.

A childs mentality is more like " If I draw on the wall again I will get spanked,so I better not do it again because I DON'T wanna get spanked" or "If I try to put peas up sissy's nose I will have to stand in the corner and I DONT wanna do that again so I better not"

I think as long as when they are being punished,if they are told it was bad and what they did in the first place to be punished they will distinguish respect from fear and understand that they will be punished if they are bad vs. they will get "hurt" if they are bad. As long as you make it perfectly clear that what is happening is PUNISHMENT for being naughty then they won't fear you...they will learn to respect you.