Feedback and suggestions needed?!?! 10pts best answer!!

Question

What do you think about the following scene in its entirety?? How is the tense , word usage and sentence structure? what should I add/take out to make it flow better and appeal to the reader more. Feed back is greatly appreciated. Ideas , examples, suggestions welcomed! Please and thnkyou!

Lucas fumbled for the ringing phone, his mind jolted from a deep sleep. Clearing his throat, he tucked the receiver against his ear, trying to clear the last residue of sleep-coated cobwebs from his head.

"Haley," he rasped, trying to sound at least half-awake. A familiar voice filtered over the phone lines, immediately snapping his mind into awareness. "Haley? What happened? What's going on?"

"It's okay Luke. Nothing's wrong. I just... I just needed to hear your voice."

He snapped on the bedside lamp, his body resting on his left elbow. He throw a quick glance at his clock. "It's three o'clock in the morning, Haley, he said brows furrowed in confusion. “You needed to hear my voice at three am? Where's Michael? Are you sure nothing's wrong?"

“Yes, its nothing like that.”

“Then what is it, How are you, how’s Michael ?”

“Things are pretty rough right now, I don’t know if its really set in yet, not for me at least, if that makes any sense. Michael’s still in shock”, she admitted to him softly. “Nobody’s really sleeping much around here.”

“What about you ?Are you okay Luke?”

"I'm okay I guess" he answered in a quiet voice.

There was an awkward pause between them.

"Lucas when are you coming home? the funerals in two days! and I need you", he voiced trailed off on a silent sob.

Answer 1

d**n girl. That was great. I loved your story or that part of your story my favorite part was the opining part. You were really detailed. I love to write story's too. Your story was so well written and well I want to hear the rest of it. Please email it to me. [e-mail]  Also after the part " Lucas when are you coming home? i think the T in the needs to be capitalized but thats preety much it thank you ..... or yea .  

Answer 2

Lucas fumbled for the ringing phone, his mind jolted from a deep sleep. Clearing his throat, he tucked the receiver against his ear, trying to clear the last residue of sleep-coated cobwebs from his head.

... the 'sleep-coated cobwebs from his head' is confused and not good writing.

"Haley," he rasped, trying to sound at least half-awake. A familiar voice filtered over the phone lines, immediately snapping his mind into awareness. "Haley? What happened? What's going on?"

... how did he know it was Haley on the phone? If she spoke first that dialogue needs to be included. If he's guessing it should be "Haley?"

"It's okay Luke. Nothing's wrong. I just... I just needed to hear your voice."

He snapped on the bedside lamp, his body resting on his left elbow. He < threw > a quick glance at his clock. "It's three o'clock in the morning, Haley," he said, his brow furrowed in confusion. “You needed to hear my voice at this time? Where's Michael? Are you sure nothing's wrong?"

“Yes, its nothing like that.”

“Then what is it, how are you, how’s Michael ?”

“Things are pretty rough right now, I don’t know if its really set in yet, not for me at least, if that makes any sense. Michael’s still in shock”, she admitted to him softly. “Nobody’s really sleeping much around here.”

“What about you? Are you okay Luke?”

"I'm okay I guess" he answered in a quiet voice.

There was an awkward pause between them.

"Lucas when are you coming home? The <S> funeral's in two days and I need you", he voice trailing off to a silent sob.

I have made some changes, some obvious errors and some personal preference. It's unclear what the context is supposed to be, the start of a passage, the start of a book, an isolated piece. Clarifying this would help greatly.

Furthermore there are too many questions from him which disrupts the flow. It would be better if some of this dialogue was replaced with questions he is posing himself...

i.e. "“Then what is it, how are you, how’s Michael?” Lucas was panicking. Already he could feel his heart racing and his brain pulsating with more questions than he had time to ask. This wasn't the first time Haley had done this to him and he was sure it wouldn;t be the last.

Answer 3

"He throw a quick glance at his clock" - throw should be threw

"It's three o'clock in the morning, Haley, he said brows furrowed in confusion. - quotation marks should be inserted after "Haley", and a comma should be inserted after "said"

“Yes, its nothing like that” and "I don’t know if its really set in yet"- its should be it's

"the funerals in two days!" - funerals should be funeral's

"Lucas when are you coming home?" - comma after Lucas

"he voiced trailed off on a silent sob." - he should be her

“Then what is it, How are you, how’s Michael ?” should be “Then what is it? How are you? How’s Michael ?”

Other than those few mistakes, it's very good writing. Good job

Answer 4

I noticed a few grammatical/punctuation problems and corrected them in the second half of the passage. Here ya go:

He threw a quick glance at his clock. "It's three o'clock in the morning, Haley," he said, brows furrowed in confusion. “You needed to hear my voice at three am? Where's Michael? Are you sure nothing's wrong?"

“Yes, its nothing like that.”

“Then what is it, How are you? How’s Michael?”

“Things are pretty rough right now. I don’t know if its really set in yet. Not for me at least, if that makes any sense. Michael’s still in shock”, she admitted to him softly. “Nobody’s really sleeping much around here.”

“What about you? Are you okay, Luke?”

"I'm okay, I guess" he answered in a quiet voice.

There was an awkward pause between them.

"Lucas, when are you coming home? The funeral's in two days, and I need you," her voiced trailed off on a silent sob.