Feedback needed ASAP please?!!?! 10pts best answer!!!?

Question

How can I improve this scene? what can I add/take out to make the scene read better/appeal to the reader more? what do you think about the scene in its entirety?? Feedback, suggestions and examples welcomed! Please and Thnkyou!!!

P.s the female character in the story has just lost her best friend.

"Talk to me, what’s going on with you?”, he whispered.

She wanted to tell him, she did. How it was hard for her to sleep at night, and not see Brooke’s face. How she wished she could be immune to feeling all together. She felt alone , a void, an emptiness, a black, empty space which she believed nothing and no-one would ever be able to fill. She didn’t think she could do it anymore-love. It hurt too much. For her, loving someone no matter who was meant losing them.

Answer 1

Here, I just rewrote your text trying to keep a lot of what you have.

“Talk to me, what’s going on with you?” he whispered. (Insert female character’s name) wanted to tell him how hard it was to sleep knowing she would never again see Brooke’s face. Wishing there was a way to be immune to feeling all together. It seemed no one would be able to fill this dark lonely void. “I don’t know if I can love anymore?” she thought to herself. No matter who (female character’s name) loved, to her it always meant losing them.

What you have is great; I just think you need to work on the flow of your writing. Try not to over use words like she, instead use the characters names now and then. Add spoken words or characters thoughts to break up the descriptions of the scene. Sometimes less is more, be direct and to the point. You really have a great start, when in doubt just read what you have aloud to yourself. This will help you get a better idea if it’s flowing well, and what areas you need to work on. Hope this helps you. So take what I wrote for you and make it your own!! Good luck!!

Answer 2

"I really want to help you, but I can't if I don't know what's going on with you”, he whispered.

Her heart wanted everything to be out. She just couldn't take it any more. She wanted him to know how everything-how she couldn't sleep at night, how it brought her to tears to see Brooke's face, how she wished she could be immune to the feeling all together. But there was a void, a black hole that sucked her in deeper with each painful day that passed. In her head, she knew she probably would have to live with this void forever because there just wasn't anyting or anyone that could possibly fill it. But the black hole wasn't the least of her problems. Her biggest problem was that she probably would never love again because it just hurt so much. For her, loving had evolved into Russian Roulette; no matter how well you played the game, you would still lose even if you won.  

Answer 3

gosh, depressing

Answer 4

More descriptive words to set the tone you are trying to achieve. For instance how did he whisper? Quietly? Softly? Calmly? Under his breath?

How badly did she want to tell him? Desperately? Honestly? Again how badly did she wish she could be immune to feeling? You need more analogies and metaphors in there....make use of those literary devices and other.

I like the direction you are going  just do it so the reader sees perfectly what you see in your vision for your character and story.