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Feedback on my intro?

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This is my intro for a model ap essay for school. going into sophomore ap english and this is our summer work. Please tell me how it is and be brutal.

One might argue that the best literature for a child might be one with a moral or lesson. British novelist Fay Weldon certainly agrees with this, and it shows in the following statement made by him; “The writers, I do believe, who get the best and most lasting response from readers are the writers who offer a happy ending through moral development. By a happy ending, I do not mean mere fortunate events – a marriage or a last minute rescue from death – but some kind of spiritual reassessment, or moral reconciliation, even with the self, even at death.” Certainly these novels are most popular. Just to name a few, Lord of the Flies by William Golding, the classic tale of man and his killer instinct, Night by Elie Wiesel, the autobiography of a Jewish boy during the holocaust, and A Separate Peace by John Knowles, a story showing the greedy, and perhaps traitorous nature of the man, cleverly disguised beneath the cover of a private school. These are just a few novels that fall into the category of “happy endings,” although their outcome may have indeed been melancholy. Lord of the Flies, Night, and A Separate Peace are all examples of literature disguised as a life lesson.

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  1. Hello. As an English teacher I like to help anyone I can. Hope these corrections help. Please let me know if you need further help.

    Do not use the phrase “one might argue…”, as it is YOU are arguing it.   Just start with “The best literature for a child is…”.  Also, you can revise the second sentence to say that Weldon “agrees with this by saying”, not “it shows by the following…”.  ÃƒÂ¢Ã‚€ÂœCertainly these novels are most popular”, is not a complete sentence. Well, it is a complete sentence in itself, but does not have enough substance.  You can say… “These types of novels are very popular in children’s literature”… or something of the like. It is “To name a few”.. very rarely start a sentence with the word “just”.  

    Also, look up how to format the title of a book. It should be underlined, italicized, or quoted depending on the length.

    Also, do you need to cite your sources? If so, you need to include the source of the quote, not just the person who said it, but where you got the information from. Look up MLA or APA style depending on what your school uses. Plagarism is a big thing schools now. I would hate for you to be accused of it.


  2. i like it...you make your point, there are a few phrases in it thought that need to be rephrased like, "and it shows in the following statement made by him" and "Just to name a few". also underline/italicize the novels. and at the beginning don't put one might argue, your making your point, say the best literature is...and the sentence "Certainly these novels are most popular" needs more. its like a fragment of a sentence. just those things and it'll be really amazing

  3. don't use "might" twice in your first sentence.  Remove comma after "agrees with this".  The sentence "Certainly these novels are most popular"  doesn't work there.  Blend it into the list of novels to make flow better.   Use semicolons after the descriptions of one book before the title of another.  Don't say "These are just a few novels... " if you're going to have the opening paragraph "Certainly these novels..."  You've already introduced "these novels" so find a way to it differently.  Remove comma after "night" in the last sentence.  

    As for an intro, it will work with the few changes I mentioned but I do hope your actual essay has more of YOUR words in it and not so much on the "quote end".

    Hope that makes sense... if not.. email me.  I think you're on the right track but just need a bit more of "you" in "your" essay.  Good luck!!!

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