Feedback on new parents who are adopting?

Question

So this is more of a story, but I need to tell you parents who may be taking those classes for adopting children. I was adopted when I was 3 months old. My parents are caucasian, and I'm brown. And I was raised to know I was adopted, and always made to feel proud about it. So a couple months ago, I was at a park babysitting a child. And there was a Korean looking child, but he could have been from China too. And then the mom and dad walked from the monkey bars and they were caucasian. So I asked them, "where's your son from?" and they both rudely looked at me and said, "WE are from Oregon". And although they were appalled with me, I was appalled with them. The kid knows he looks different than his parents. And i would just hope that they embrace his culture vs. keep him away from it. Any thoughts, ideas, stories? I tried to explain myself, and they shooed me away. Yuck.

Answer 1

Well maybe after this happen hopefully they went home and thought about it? Why did they get soem affended anyway.They seem to be in their own world right now.You did nothing wrong.

Answer 2

I they are just probably sick of their son having to account for his differentness, and didn't handle it well.  I know you were simply interested, and that you have a reason to have a special interest in an adoptee, but people shouldn't go around asking others about their differences.

Answer 3

I understand your story and understand your feelings on it.  For me, I always hate the question because in today's society, families are created in so many different ways.  It doesn't always mean a child was adopted.  I dated a guy who looked very different from his parents but he was not adopted.  His (Caucasian) father had a relationship with a Filipino woman..  They had a child and he took custody of the child.  He then married a Caucasian woman years later.  They were always being asked where *David* was from.  Truth was *David* was born in the US, lived in the US, and wasn't adopted.  It was just uncomfortable for everyone.

For me personally, I always laugh when people find out our son was adopted because the first question out of their mouth is "where is he from?".  I say NJ and they just stare at me like I've said Mars.  Most times I just laugh and change the conversation because it really is no one else's business what my child's heritage is.  As long as my child is aware of his roots, why should I have to explain that to a complete stranger?  

But I do understand how your own personal situation impacts the way you feel and that you were not trying to be rude with your question.  Perhaps they misunderstood your intentions.

Answer 4

Okay -- I can say this because I am too....  (shhhh) they are from Oregon.... (shhhhh) and well.... I won't say much more but, you could meet just about anyone with any attitude in Oregon... it is just an Oregon thing...

You know it's not easy being green--wet--and soggy....and well..have you been here? I am surprised you didn't write that they had 42 piercings and their child had a Mohawk cus...well it's an Oregon thing....and attitude....you just don't notice sumthins different round here bout no-budy let alone say it to them.....

they must have been stunned like deer caught in the headlights....cuz...in Oregon we are all just people who are different....and don't notice....much.....or at least admit we do....

Answer 5

My best friend wasn't told she was adopted until she was 11 and She knew something was wrong. All of her siblings were years older than her, she had nephews older than her and her mom was sending pictures of her to some lady every couple months. She was so mad when she found out that she tried to run away.

I also know a caucasian lady with an African husband and all of their kids are very dark skinned. Laura was holding her yougest and a lady asked who she was babysitting for. When Laura said she wasn't the lady asked oh so where is he adopted from. Laura then explained that he wasn't adopted he was born on such and such a day. The lady then got beligerent and said you don't have to lie about it I was just curious.

Answer 6

The only time I won't answer questions is when my children are right there and look annoyed.  That's very rare. I love talking about my children to anyone who will hold still.  My kids generally like the attention as well, just not when they're tired, hungry, and want to go home.  Even so, I have never pulled that "WE are from New England" crud.  I'll say "Why do you ask?" and then I usually hear stories like yours "I'm adopted too" or "My Aunt is from there".  So then I just have to talk.

I don't get why people would adopt from somewhere where their children will obviously look different and then get offended if someone notices. But I did hear people express that in my adoption classes.  The group knew we already had a child from Asia and they kept asking us how we dealt with people "noticing you're not his real parents".   I don't know if the issue is having a problem with where he was born, or with people guessing he's adopted.  Parents should be comfortable with both things before they're ready to adopt.

Answer 7

Some people are just uptight. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Perhaps it is just a sensitive subject for them, especially if they had problems conceiving. There are plenty of parents who are aware and proud that their adopted children are from another country.

Answer 8

I will say that they probably felt that you were being rude for asking them a personal question.  They are probably tired of the stares and the judgement from others.  Hey, maybe the child is from a previous relationship mom had with a man who is Asian...whatever the case, I think it is no ones business, especially strangers.  Lastly, maybe they are tired of being judged by others.....for example....you are judging them by not getting an answer from them (ie. not embracing his culture), so who is to say that you wouldnt judge them if they did answer...they don't know YOU.  

Dont take it so personally, just know for next time that not everyone owes others an explanation.

Answer 9

didn't you know, adoption completely erases the child's past, heritage, history...et al. /sarcasm

this is the issue with trans-racial adoption.  many aparents wish to live in denial over the fact that 1)the child looks nothing like them or their partner, 2) others will notice the difference, 3) the child will  notice the difference and 4) their family IS different from that of biological parents.  it doesn't make them "less than" a biological family...just different. i think when people begin to embrace the "differences" of families built through adoption and not try to "live as if the child is biologically related, people will be much happier.

fortunately, most aparents don't live in this type of deep denial.  you just happen to bump into a few.

Answer 10

I have a daughter from China.  I generally don't mind answering questions from strangers, but I know that some people are really sensitive about it.  They get tired of questions and stares and just want to be a "normal" family.  It doesn't mean that they aren't embracing their child's culture, they just don't care to share his personal history with strangers, that's all.  

I do think they were rude, though, and there was nothing wrong with your question.  It's not as though you said "How much did you pay for him?" or something like that.  Some people are just very private or over-sensitive.

Answer 11

Not to be rude, but maybe they thought it was none of your business to comment on their family.........

Answer 12

my cousin was adopted he is african american his parents are philipeno and he always knew he was adopted. he actually liked it because it made him happy knowing that someone loved him enough to give him a home. and his other brother was also adopted and didnt like it he felt like his biological mother abandoned him even though she is still partially in his life. so i really guess how the children take it is there own thing but i feel it should be known when you are adopted