Feel like im going insane? feelings of intense guilt of abortion?

Question

OK i dont no if this is normal, but it's 535 in the morning, my mom has a drug problem and has left me here for 2 days without a word. Im scared s**+tless, i havent slept, im so paranoid that someone is in my house. like its getting to the point where im not going to the bathroom im holding it in because im terrified to go upstairs, i keep thinking ill walk past my room to the bathroom and someone will be sitting on my bed waiting for me, or ill be washing my hands and look in the mirror and someone will be behind me. i usually get like this when im home alone, i dont no why but im so scared i think im actually hearing things out on my porch now and i cant stop looking up every few seconds. i KNOW this isent normal, you dont have to tell me, what should i do? When my grandma was younger she didnt leave her house for 7 years because she was ill, im not sure the name for it. But could my moms addiction, and my family's past mental illness be a factor here?

Also, another touchy subject. I had an abortion last year(September 2007) I never really thought about it, usually when i do, i think to myself that it couldn't have happened to me and that it was someone else. But it was me and my baby would have been born this past June 2008.

Im still with my boyfriend, we've pulled through it, but he dosent talk about it , i think thats how he deals with it and i feel like i need to sometimes. When i try to bring it up to him he gets all mad and what not. The only reason i got it was because his mom attacked me when she found out and said we were disgrace and i was trying to trap him blah blah blah. my mom was supportive of any decision we made but i think she just partially didn't care. I usually think about holding him in my arms and taking him for walks, my friend just had a baby and i cry when i look at the pictures of her in the hospital in labor and what not, is that normal? Please dont respond to this telling me i murdered someone, i was 16 and not ready, i had no stable place to live, i was couch surfing, no relationship really with anyone in my family, only my mother who is an addict and i just wasent ready. Although i feel a mass amount of guilt almost like i no what i did was wrong and i HATE my boyfriends mom for basically pushing us to do it and telling us its the right thing..i remmeber laying on the table and they gave me the laughing gas thing, and i was crying and i just laying there looking around the room, and i wanted to just jump off the table and run out. anyways how i can get over this? any advice would be nice

also im 17

Answer 1

Wooow you sound like your stressed out ....ALOT!

I worry about the same things when I'm home alone so your not the only one xD  

Answer 2

for right now you have to just take a deep breath and tell yourself that nothing is there... also it might help to turn on the tv or a radio in every few rooms... it helps to not feel so alone...

but in the long run you should talk to someone... and if you are still alone in a few days you need to call the police... you mom should no do that to you...

Answer 3

Hey Kelsey,

It really sounds like you're had a rough time. You seem really together to me though. You're obviously intelligent and the fact that you get sometimes get sad over this abortion doesn't mean that you've any mental illness. You're human. You're not a murderer, do NOT listen to any of that talk. As for your boyfriend's mom, she doesn't sound very supportive but look at it from her point of view. Her own baby is growing up too fast in her eyes and she was probably scared. It doesn't excuse her actions but sometimes we'll do anything for our family and our sense of what is right can look past what they want.

I'm 17 too and one of my friends had a pregnancy scare. I also know a few older girls in town who've had babies. Yes, babies bring great joy but they are a lot of work and cost a lot of money. They'll also tie you down and chances are neither of you would've had a good life.

It's 100% natural and human to wonder about the "what ifs" of life. Seeing your baby in those photos is okay and it's okay to have a cry sometimes. You're grieving and it's alright. Don't forget that there are many groups out there for support if you need to talk to someone other than your boyfriend. Don't be afraid to look for help, even if it's an anonymous helpline. Talking to someone can really clarify your thoughts and make you feel better. Maybe you could write your boyfriend a letter if it's hard for him to talk about it? It can be hard for men to open up.

As for the getting scared at night thing, I get that! I seem to go through phases of it and I know it can be scary when you hear something creak. What works for me is that houses expand and contract the whole time; when it gets cold at night the wood shrinks a bit and creaks as it does so. Also, look around your house during the daytime. It's not scary then, and it's NO DIFFERENT at night only its darker. These things seem scarier when you need sleep. Don't be afraid, go to the bathroom. Turn on the light if you need to and just settle down to sleep.

You're not crazy. If anything you sound like a very sane and compassionate person. I hope I helped. :)

Answer 4

Hi Honey.

i'm sorry you have gone through this. it must have been so tuff.

and everyone pushing you to get the abortion and regretting it later,

it would be so hard as children are precious..

i would suggest seeing a psychatrist and talk to him/her

of seek a social worker and talk through your troubles like on the yahoo here etc  and you can get a free social worker if you approach a church .. thats how i got my social worker,

have you thought about talking to someone if that is the case best is too see a social worker.

i hope you work things out and i wish the best to you

and i'm sorry for your loss.

britney

Answer 5

awh babe, im so sorry about all this. well for the thing about you being paranoid, it sounds to me like its genetic. i think it could be some type of anxiety disorder. you can try talking to your mom about it to see if she can bring you to a doctor because they can perscribe medicine for that. if you cant depend on her, talk to another stable adult who can get you help. even a teacher at school or a guidance counselor- that what i did(i have clinical depression.) i know sometimes people say they medication dosen't work, but sometimes you have to try a few different kinds before you find what works. also, if your worried about depending on the pills, right now your well being is more important than worrying about taking medicine.

now about you being depressed because of your abortion. thats completly normal. i think you should talk to your boyfriend about it although it is a touchy subject. it sounds like you still have some ground that needs to be covered there. he may get mad and not want to talk about it, but he needs to know that its bothering you so you guys can talk about it.

as for getting over this, i think it would be best to talk to your boyfriend like i said, and also get some therapy. this plus the medication should make you feel alot better if you just give it a shot. but you have to try and be optimistic as well. when i started my medication and therapy, i HATED it, so things didn't get better for  a long time and i was still really depressed. but then one day i realized how beautiful life really is, and i didnt want to spen the rest of my life being that way.

also, theres one more thing. im not sure if your into religion. bu if you aren't maybe you should try it out. im not saying to go all out christain, heck- im not even chrisain. i mean any religion. sometimes when people have nothing left, the one thing that they really believe in helps them through some really hard stuff in life. you dont have to though,i just think it would help. but all religion aside, i really think you should at least try what i said before. good luck with everything, and you can always send me an email if youd like :].

Answer 6

Sounds like you're in a very stressful environment. Your mom is completely unreliable and doesn't provide you with a warm and secure place. This would be a major contribution to your stress and feeling of insecurity in your environment.

Once you are aware of this you can make the decision to create security for yourself since you are now 17 and can start to have your own independence and make a life for yourself that you want.

However, you will probably need a little outside help too (some kind of support group, counseling, therapy or whatever you are willing to try). Use the 'therapy' to give you the tools to be confident in yourself and sometimes we just get stuck in our own heads and keep going around in circles unless some outside source interrupts our thinking. You also need to accept and move on from the abortion - something therapy will help you with too.

Take care of yourself - eat well and exercise because being physically unhealthy can contribute to low moods and low self esteem.So give yourself the best chance possible and keep fit.

Set yourself goals - what do you want in life? how can you achieve it? For this you will need short term goals and long term. Keep them realistic. Start small, such as just making sure you do one hour exercise 4 times a week! When you start achieving your goals you will gain confidence and motivation.

You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. You are now old enough to make your own choices and you can do whatever you want - you always have a choice. Life is an adventure, so don't be scared of it and don't be scared to challenge yourself. If you have a fear - face it and you will soon see that you wasted your time being scared of something that wasn't really that scary.

Your family don't define who you are. You're a unique individual free to be who you want to be. Just believe in yourself.

Reading other peoples true stories can be inspiring too.

Take care.

Answer 7

well 17.thats means you got an abortion at 16.thats really bad.it is a very young age for u.anyway,just be calm first.it is due to your mental block of the date thing.better get out of the house,take a good friend and go to her place or even in a hotel.try to consult a councellor and thik it this way,if abortions are banned,then the population of this world would be arnd 10 billion.so it is better to kill the baby before it borns than h will die of hunger.think it in that view.

Answer 8

Firstly as you said, you and your boyfriend were not ready to take care of and nurture a child together and you did what you felt was best, with advice from other family members, at that time.  If you had had the baby then you would both need to have jobs to support, house and feed your baby, you might be living on a benefit and you may be living from paycheck to paycheck if you were lucky.  Dont get too down on yourself about it as plenty of other women do the same thing.

It is normal to feel insecure when you are in a house all alone.  Everyone feels the same way - checking the doors twice, avoiding certain rooms, feeling afraid.  But you are an adult now and you are being asked to talk care of yourself the best way that you can so I suggest that you conquer your fear and walk into those rooms, make sure that the house is clean and tidy and secure.

Just do the best you can with what you have.

Answer 9

i understand it.

you're a teenager and still not ready

to raise a family.

i think it's because of your conscience

or probably you just regret why you did that.

it's already done.

there's nothing to do but let it pass away.

you're guilty and it's obvious.

i'm sorry to say this but do you think

if your boyfriend loves you he'll let you go through

these things? and if your bf loves  you do you think

he'll let his mother say bad things to you?

and if your bf loves you he won't let you

do that 'cause it's really dangerous.

all you have to do is pray at night to God

and tell Him you didn't mean to do that.

and say sorry to your baby.

open up your heart to God and promise you'll

never do it again.

Might as well as finish your relationship

to that guy, there's someone who can love you

more than he can do.

Someone who can give you a more secure future

someone who has a family that can accept you

and someone who won't let your tears fall.

Goodluck :)

hoped i helped :)

Answer 10

Im really sorry for all your problems. I think that you do need some professional help because you do have a lot of issues and im not sure if what i say or any other of the answerers say are going to help you.

You seem very paranoid, thinking that someone is there in your house. I think you are over-thinking what happened to your grandma(you said you couldn't remember the name for it-its called  'Agoraphobia'-someone that has fear of going outside) I think that you are over thinking about that and making your mind believe that there is someone there.

For the abortion, your are obviously going to feel some guilt because most people do, you have to understand that you made the right decision at that time, you might regret it now but there is no way of possibly putting yourself in a future situation with a baby when you decided to get an abortion. Of course your boyfriend would have been annoyed and doesn't want to talk about it, probably because he thinks it is his mums fault for making you get an abortion. Id say he feels a lot of guilt and thinks that if his mum didn't interfere with your relationship and personal life that he would be a dad.

For your mum being an addict and never being there that is a huge influence to your life. Shes the only family you've got and she needs to be a supportive mother and understand that you did go through a hard time in September and she needs to be there for you to lean on. Mums are usually the supportive person, holding everything together in a family and it sounds like she is not taking into account her responsibilities of being your mother and being there for you. You need to explain to her how you have been feeling and she really needs to get help with the drug problem.

I hope everything works out for you.

Take Care

(",)

Answer 11

hey... it's ok... if you werent ready for a baby, it was the right thing to do. especially if you werent in the place, or the financial state to be able to handle all of that.. it sounds like you have a lot of things going on in your life that is hard to deal with but just remember that you are sane, and don't let anyone mess with your head. if it helps you not be scared at home, call someone and talk to them, turn on all the lights, listen to music, turn the tv on... that always helps for me. oh, and the more you think about all that stuff, the more you are going to scare yourself.. i know because i do it to myself all the time.. i just tell myself, look its ok, theres nobody in the house, the door is locked, your ok...or i grab a knife, and go check for myself.. and theres never anyone there. let me know if this helps... and good luck!

Answer 12

You have been through so much at such a young age.  You can't handle all this by yourself.  I wish I was there to give you a hug.   My advice to you would be to find a counselor or a Dr. to speak with.  If you are still in school a counselor would be easily accessed.  If you belong to a church, you could talk to a minister.  No one should have to be alone with the kind of feelings you are experiencing.  If you aren't comfortable to speak directly with someone you can look  up the local number to a hot-line and speak to someone anonymously.  Everyone needs help at one time or another and this is your time to reach out.  You have taken the first step by asking this question.  Now follow through.  As soon as you do, much of this anxiety and paranoia will subside.  I will keep you in my thoughts (and my heart) and I know things will get better.  Above all else, don't beat yourself up.  It won't help make things better.