Feeling ambivalent about motherhood. Advice Please?

Question

So I'm turning 32 on Friday and I'm feeling the biological clock. I've always prioritized my education but my family held me back from college. It's a long story. Also, I've never wanted to marry for money so I'm with this great guy, we've been friends for 18 years, but he's still struggling to get his transfer degree. I'm finishing a Master's degree next June but he's years away from financial stability (I make most the money) and I'm running out of time. The real kicker is that I've never really wanted kids, instead feeling like my destiny was more tied to my own career (I'm a researcher and a writer). I got pregnant at 28 and had a miscarriage. Ever since I've been wanting to have a family but feeling really torn. I don't know what I really want and I feel like even if I did, I couldn't have it. It's complex. Anyone out there who understands? I'd love some good advice.

Answer 1

I can definitely relate to what you're going through. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves. I unexpectedly became single at 33. I was devastated because I thought I lost my chance at motherhood.  

Now I think differently. But before I tell you about that, here are some questions for you to consider now rather than later.

Is the fact that your guy still has years of study ahead of him the only thing stopping you having a child together?

Is he someone you can imagine growing old with?

Would he be a good father?

Would you want to have a son just like him?

Can you imagine him being there in the tough times? Will he be there for you when you or your child are sick?

How would you manage financially & with all the work, sleeplessness etc when he's already struggling with money and study now?  

How would things be if, like many mothers, things don't go according to plan and you discovered you either didn't want to or couldn't return to work early. What pressure would that then put on both of you and your relationship?

It seems that now isn't the right time but that can change quite fast.  A lot can happen even in a year.

Also, I don't know about you but life at University was very different for me to life in the real world. You are so close to graduating - could you be panicking about actually finishing college and seeing what all the study was for? You both may even find that who you are - your values and priorities - may change once you leave college.

My last 2 pieces of advice:  Don't settle. Remember you can't control everything.  

I used to feel that being a mother was my God given right and how dare anything threaten that. Now I'm 35 and in a really different, more relaxed, more trusting state. I would still dearly love to have children.  I seriously considered having a baby on my own and then decided that I'd rather wait even if I take the chance that I may never have a child. I will no longer settle with Mr almost-right. I'm happier than I've been in years.

Answer 2

Perhaps you are still dealing with the death of the child you were carrying when you miscarried.  I would advise talking with a grief counselor about this issue. There are many that are free.  When you deal with this, then make an informed decision.  

Perhaps you'll meet someone new.  18 years is a long time for a relationship that you aren't sure where it's going.  Maybe it's in your destiny to become a foster parent, or some kid's special aunt, or maybe you might even be a step parent someday.  Get your degree, work for a while, then see what you want to do.  You still have time, and good luck!  And, I'm sorry for your loss!  A miscarriage really can affect your entire life.

Answer 3

Well, there's no good time to have a baby. In kind of just happened to me. Try to go with the flow. What needs to happen will happen. Relax, you can have you career and a baby.

Answer 4

I have always felt that having children was a way of influencing the generations that follow me, in the same way that being a Teacher does that too, and to a lesser extent, a Girl Guide leader or Pastor.  We all hope that our descendants make a positive impact on our world, either as inventors or perhaps finding a cure for diseases that are currently incurable.

Doing the work you do is such a profound way of influencing the world and the generations to come.

You don't have to decide today, but sooner or later you may have to make a decision to have children or not, but rest assured, whether you do or not, you will already be making a positive impact on the world and the environment for future generations.

Answer 5

I think you should go for the PhD. You're only 32. I know that another birthday means less time for children but seriously, you're still young. You don't want to start having kids just yet in case you spend the rest of your life thinking "what if...?", especially once after they've grown up and left the family home. Getting a PhD will also push your household income up, so you won't have to necessarily wait on him to reach a certain salary. A PhD will only take another 2-3 years to complete (I'm not sure how long - you probably know though) and a career path can be forged in 3-4 years... you'll be in your late thirties and you'd be comfortable with where you are career-wise. Good luck hun =)

Answer 6

I understand where you are coming from.  I returned to university at 28 as a full time mature aged student - ready to finally take control of my professional life after years of going around in circles.  I had a seven year plan, that included a Masters and some professional supervision to become a Psychologist ... and looking at the way it was panning out, there seemed to be little room for children.  I didn't feel a burning need to have a family, I never had ... and so it seemed that my course was set.

In August that same year I met my partner and we settled into a cosy live in relationship.  The following year, just short of our one year anniversary and at 29 my biological clock literally exploded.  And I was caught where you are ... did I hold off and finish my degree (as several friends were strongly suggesting) or did I have a child, and try and juggle.  To me it seemed very black and white - either or.  I wanted to finish my degree and i wanted a child.  I couldn't see that you could have both.

I fell pregnant a few months later and my world turned upside down.  I was too sick to go to uni and my partner got a job (having just completed his Masters) and we moved 2000km away from where we were living.

I chose to have my son at home with a midwife, aged 30.  It literally changed my life.  I don't see the world in black and white any more, it is always in shades of grey.  In choosing a homebirth and becoming involved in the birth reform movement ... I found a very strong way in which I could be part of making the world a better place.  I gave up aspirations to become a psychologist and became a magazine editor, learnt to do layout and design ... which lead me back to my first passion - writing. As this is the path that you are already one ... believe me, you can writer, research and be a mother - it's a bit of a juggling act but it can be done - albeit a little disjointed for a few years.

Five years ago - I would never have thought that I could possibly be here!  I have had real challenges in being a mother, it hasn't been an easy path - but it is a path I would choose over and over again.  Choosing to bring a new life into the world, to birth with strength and empowerment, to parent consciously and with love is the only way to change the world.

Answer 7

I think you're being honest with yourself, which is more than many women are. First, you're only 32. You have at least 5-6 more years to consider having a child. You don't have to do it RIGHT NOW! And if the biological clock has struck midnight, and you cannot conceive; there is always adoption if you really want a family. It sounds like you're not desperate to have your own baby, so that may be a good option. Don't just conceive because you think you "should". Many couples are childless and happy. It's actually a responsible thing to do.

I think a bit of therapy could help you sort out your mixed emotions. Good luck.