Feeling guilty about step dad adopting me?

Question

I was fine with it until the adoption was finalized and I realized that Ive pretty much thrown my dead father away. I feel horrible for doing it now. I was 7 when he died and Im 17 now so I dont really have too many memories of him but Im still sad about it.

Do you think its common to feel like this and will this feeling go away?

Thanks

Answer 1

Hi.

I have never been in your situation, but I think your feelings are normal.

Your step father obviously loves you as his own and I am sure he will be a great father to you. No one is trying to replace your late father, and I am sure it would be a great comfort for him to know that his daughter is being well looked after. Dont worry, I am sure your step father is aware of how you may feel and I am sure that everything will be great.

Why dont you try and confide in your mother? Confide in your step father even.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry you feel like that. You haven't thrown your dead father away, you can never do that nor the few memories you still  have of him. Nothing will ever change the fact that he was your father until he died.

All you have done is formalised and legalised your relationship with your stepfather. I'm sure he would be equally horrified if he new how you feel. He has grown to love you as his own and I'm sure your dead father would be thrilled that you have a new dad to care for you and love you now that he is no longer able to. He may even have sent your stepfather to your family to look after you and your mum.

Remember your dad with love and affection, but be happy in your present and future - you have everything going for you.

Answer 3

Everyone in your life is going to be a part of your life, for life.  No one is thrown away.  The fact that he lived lives on in you, whether you consciously know it or not.  There are traits you picked up from him that you will carry with you forever, things you didn't really notice because you were too busy growing up.  Infants acquire knowledge and language from whoever is around them.  He was around you for seven formative years.  No matter what you do, he is a part of you.

Answer 4

My sister was adopted by my dad 3 years before I was born, she wants her biological fathers name and I said do it if that's what you want. You can always change it, it will cost money and in the long run you will feel at peace.

Answer 5

oh gosh....i'm not at all surprised you feel this way!!!  i'm so sorry:(((

i think it's likely common for people in your same position.

no one can tell you how to feel, but i sure do hope your feelings of guilt ease over time.  i can't imagine your real dad being mad or upset with you for this.

i'm so sorry you're feeling sad, though:(((

Answer 6

i understand that would be a terrible conclusion to come to. but you arent throwing your deceased father away, you've just gained an additional father. you have two! one who can watch over you always, and the other to guide you in life. i consider myself to have two fathers. one who contributed to half my genes, and is the one i talk things over with,who understands me the best.  and the other who worked all those years to put food in my stomach and buy me new shoes, and attempted to clean up when i puked everywhere! (at which point he would start to gag and my mom would come to the rescue. haha). it's okay to have more than one parent. i consider myself to have a few parents, whether related or not. feelings and the law dont always coincide.

Answer 7

Your father is dead -- you are not "throwing him away."  Visit his grave, tell him you wish you could have known him better and had him with you longer, but you do need a father and you need to move on.  Your father understands this -- he has moved on and so must you.  

You are so very lucky to have someone who wanted to adopt you!  You are loved and cared for by choice, not accident or necessity, and that is a very rare privilege and a wonderful gift.  You can never get rid of or throw away your birth father, but you can be happy in the rare gift of a second father.

Answer 8

I can't say with any certainty, but, being a parent, I have often thought about the "what if's" if something like this would happen in our family.

And I know, without a doubt, that if I were to pass away, I would want my children to feel comfortable with any woman that my husband may fall in love with and possibly marry in the future.  If he chose to have her adopt them, and they were comfortable with it, I'd just want them to be well taken care of and loved...if that makes sense, KWIM?

I know that they wouldn't be replacing me; as long as they always remembered me and kept me in their hearts, I'd want them to still have the love of a mother if it ever came to that.

So try not to feel guilty; I bet your dad would want you to be loved and taken care of, too.  Just never forget him and keep him with you in your heart.

Answer 9

It is for sure it won't go away but you should go and visit him in the cemetery.

Answer 10

Yes, it is common, but no matter who is taking care of you or what kind of paperwork goes into it, your parents will always be your parents.  It's natural.  Your dad hasn't been replaced in your heart and mind, you kind of just have two now.  No worries.