Feeling guilty...please help?

Question

I am 21 with a 5 year old boy. I got pregnant at 15 and i wanted to make sure my son had everything in the world that a normal child would. that takes completing school to get a good job etc....I had to leave him with a babysitter(family) when he was 3 months to go back to school and have had to do that ever since in between college and working to support us. I try to spend every moment i have with him doing art, picnics, biking, whatever...but now my husband and I are planning to have a baby and i am now in a position where i will be able to stay home with that child for a year and buy all the wonderful things that i wanted to for my first. I end up feeling so guilty though because why should this child have what i couldn't give my first? will i end up having a different bond with the new one, is this fair, should i have made different choices? i am feeling so ashamed of all these thoughts and guilty about it all. any advice?

Answer 1

It's not wrong to want to provide for your children, and everyone wants for their children to have everything.

Now that you are in a position to do things the way that you want, I'm assuming that you are also in the position to spend more time with your first born aswell, and as long as you're doing so, you have no reason to be ashamed or guilty. We all go through rough times, and we all try to make the best of it.

You were 15 years old and supported a child! Good for you! Most people would have considered adoption, or other alternatives, but you stuck with it, and provided, and grew up way before your time. You should be proud. You will love both of your children, and they will love each other. Family is the greatest gift of all, and having another child will be a gift to your first born aswell.

Good luck, and don't worry.

Answer 2

You could have the child, and then try to spend as much time with the other and try to give them the same amount of attention(I know that having a baby requires lotts of attention for the baby but try to give lotts of attention to your other kid.) Try doing things that your child would LOVE to do every once in a while and leave the baby with your husband or something. Your kid would love it!

Answer 3

NO! You should not be guilty... or feel guilty! I dont think you made a mistake. you HAD to go to school... you HAD to make his life better in the end. the only thing you can do is make sure he is getting all the love he deserves now. I would not think that he is lacking anything. Who needs toys and junk when you have mommy and daddys love? Your bond minght be a bit satronger, but that is cause you are going to be with him. just let big brother help. let him learn how to hold the bottle... let him get diapers... toys... and wipes. teach him to be silent when baby is napping. Let him touch babys feet.... let him smell babys hair. let him wash babys body in the tub (with you there of course)

I think you made the right choices when you had the first one. You needed to be in school and hae a job. If not... you wouldnot be where you are now in life. Making that choice to be in school and making that choice to work... that was a good one. I would not think of it as a bad one.

Answer 4

When my son was born I was already divorced from my ex (his father) so with my income being his sole support, I had to go back to work after 8 weeks. My son was with my mother during the day while I was at work (she has a  home office) until he was 1 year old, then I enrolled him in a daycare center so he could play with other kids. I am currently preggo with a little girl and plan on being home with her for at least 12 weeks. I am remarried now and working for a different company who will allow me to work from home for a time after I deliver. I don't feel guilty about taking advantage of the options that life affords me now. My son and I have a strong bond, as it was just the 2 of us for so long, but I believe that the bond will be just as strong with my next. She will complete the family for myself, my husband and my son. Everybody in a family has a unique spot.

Answer 5

i can tell how you feel, and u sound like a wonderful mother. you should have made better choices when you were 15 but you can somewhat change that now. set aside a day once or twice a month just for you and your 5 year old to have time together, ask him what he would like to do. i bet after a while, you will start to feel better and be glad of the choices you have made

Answer 6

i think it could make you closer to your first child because of the lack of things that you were able to get compared to your second. i think that you should be able to have this second child without the guilt because it should be love that is more important to give to your child rather than ifts and other sorts of possessions.

Answer 7

Don't beat your self up. You did and are doing the best you can. :)

Now, to answer your questions...

It often happens that when another child comes along parents are in a different financial position. You are fortunate enough to be in a better one than with your first. Don't ever feel guilty about being able to provide a better life for your family. Now you will be able to do more for BOTH your kids.

Speaking as a mom of 2, I have a different bond with both my kids because they are different people. But that doesn't change the fact that I love them both with all my heart. You'll find the human heart has a great capacity for love!

As for your choices, well...you can't go back. I'm sure despite how much you love your son, you would have rather have had him when you were older and more stable. But he's here and you've done everything you can to provide a good life for him. He will see and appreciate how hard you've worked! My advice is to learn from the past, but live in the present.

Good luck to you!

Answer 8

you sound like a really good mother. You son did not need the coolest toys or the nicest clothes growing up, all a kid ever really wants is attention and it sounds like you gave him lots of that! You should not be ashamed about that you did the best you chould in the first situation and now youshould do the best you can with you second child! Good Luck

Answer 9

i don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. you finished your education and went even further. sounds to me like you spent most of your free time with your son. That is the most precious gift a mother can give, instead of buying toys, toys are important but so is that bonding and i feel sure you will do the same for your second child.

just wish my grand daughter would be doing the same. Good luck and best wishes. You are a great mom.

Answer 10

you sound like my mom except for the second kid part. but if ur anything like her than its all gonna be good, your gonna be a great mother.

Answer 11

First off don't feel guilty. My oldest is seven. I worked my but off to give him a great life. When he turned two we moved down south and I eventually married my best friend. We decided to have another baby. My husband was in the military at the time so I was able to stay home and shop for the baby. Cheyenne had more things than Lance. I made sure though that lance had a lot of me time. I wanted him to know that he was still my number one. As for your feelings to a new child, don't worry. I have three children and each of them are loved. I love each of them separately, which most likely you will to. Don't worry about the bonding. Just remember show your oldest that he is not forgotten and still loved.

Answer 12

the bond with each child is different. we make mistakes, learn from them, make different choices. not saying your choices with you ds1 was a mistake...you did what you had to ... it was a necessity.

i have a 2yr old and a 3month old. of course i love both my kids. of course i've always tried to make the best choices...but parenting really is a little bit of trial and error...you do what you think will work and if it doesn't, you move on to another method. i think as parents, we all go through this.

Answer 13

Don't feel guilty, obviously your oldest knows that you love him and wouldn't change it. Your new child will know that you love it also. You may have a different bond with your new child because the circumstances are so different, but as long as you continue to grow and develop the bond between you and your oldest there's nothing wrong with that. When the baby comes be sure to make him a part of the new baby like having him bring you the diaper when it's changing time. covering the baby up when you need it. Praise him as a big boy, and be sure and give him the special one on one attention that he will need to not feel left out. I had my first baby at 18 and it was a whirlwind, my husband and I got married 2 months after I graduated highschool and were so poor. But we knew that I wanted to stay at home, so we made it work. And even though my first child didn't have all the new exciting things she knew I loved her and wouldn't change having her for the world. My husband and I have since worked our way up and are doing well and we now have a second child, who also knows that we love her. She got alot of things my first didn't and i didn feel alittle guilty about it, but I realize that Things don't determine the bond between my child and myself, the way I interact, love, teach, and cherish them does. I hope you feel better about this. God Bless and congradulations on the baby!

Answer 14

as long as you gave both children all you could and continue to do so, neither of them are being ripped off.