Feeling hurt and lost, what next?

Question

Sorry if this gets a little lengthly. The problem lies in the way of my husband, on occasion he likes to gamble. If he could find a way to do it he would gamble as a career. At times he does well and in the past he has brought home a decent payout. Lately even if he wins he gets excited and "brave" and ends up coming home with nothing. It's not that he goes and loses it's then when he does this he exceeds the limit. To the point I have told him in the past next time, I'm calling it quits. He gets disgusted with himself says he's never doing it again. Then of course there comes and instance where he does go gamble and he will be responsible with it appease me. Then it just builds back up to irresponsibility and we go through the same argument I get mad and he says what he has to and I let it slide even though I know better. I think a lot of times I let it slide because I am a stay at home parent with a special needs child and haven't had a job in 6 yrs...in other words the prospect of doing it on my own is scary. So back to the story. Lastnight he called me and said he was going to the casino. I didn't go off the deep end I didn't object all I said was be responsible. This morning when I checked our bank account to find a balance of 24 dollars I knew responsibility apparently missed the boat. Of course I am livid. Livid to the point I tell him I am packing his stuff. He sounds like he is upset with himself and is upset that I won't say I love him. I call him back later and say you have a place to stay right. He says yea and hangs up on me. Then I send him a couple of messages to the effect of you're the one who did something wrong not me and I'm the one being treated like sh*t. With no response.

I just want to know why I am the one who is being treated like c**p for trying to stand up for myself and what is important to me. I just don't know what to make of the situation. If I should or shouldn't put my foot down and show him the door. Just helping me some sort of light would be nice.

Answer 1

you will need to gather support for yourself because he is going to cause you both alot of debt by not being able to pay the bills because he gambled the money away you will need to be responsible and have him pay child support get public assistants so you can work and send your child to daycare or let a relative watch him. You can not put up with this because one day there will be no lights water or food for you your child, then no place to stay get out while you can and try to build your life back i know it sounds scary but do you have family to help you.

Answer 2

Well I think you need to just let him go, throw him out.  He's on a destructive path and since you have always been there to pick up the pieces and fix everything he keeps doing it.  Even if you aren't there, hes still gonna do it, but now he will have to take care of his own problems, not u trying to figure out where to get money from, etc, etc....  He sounds like a gambling addict and like any addict, they will keep on and keep on, until they hit rock bottom and maybe, will want to get help and actually follow thru with it.  Is that how you want to live your life??  I'm sorry, I really hope things work out for you.

Answer 3

My BFF has 3 children with a gambling addict.  She was with him for about 9 years, and it never got better.  Finally she tossed him, and cares for all 5 of her children herself (she had 2 from a previous relationship) and despite the hardships, she's happier.  Her ex is still a gambling addict to the point that it affects her child support, and she's had to use the legal system 3 times in the last 2 years to get him to pay up (or go to jail), and he's paid up.

Gambling is a serious addiction, and without intensive therapy, I don't believe people cure it on their own.

I personally find gambling addiction one of the more puzzling ones: If gambling was profitable for the player, casinos would go out of business.  You can easily tell that the odds overwhelmingly favor the house because gambling is BIG business all across the country.  But this also explains how it's an addiction: addicts are constantly looking for the high of one more big, unlikely win, and they daydream in what's called "euphoric recall" about the times they had wads of other people's money in their hand.  They don't remember feeling like poo and the humiliation of losing and letting others around them down.

I feel very strongly that if he doesn't immediately find an intensive therapist specifically for gambling, you should leave.  Gambling addiction is really no different than heroin or alcohol addiction.  It can't be cured without help.  And so, your husband is going to drag you and your wonderful child down unless he gets help.  Gambling also has a very high percentage of recitivism (people going back to it).

To answer what you did ask: You're being treated like c**p because you're pointing out to an adult male that he's letting his family down and behaving like a child.  Rather than take that criticism to heart and recognize the consequence his choice has on innocent people (let alone to himself), his mind, consciously or not, turns you into the bad guy for bringing him down.  The human mind can rationalize anything.

Your child certainly deserves more, as do you.  What I would expect is next for you is that you start rationalizing the fear of his continued gambling and its impact versus the fear of the unknown if you leave and try to take care of yourself and your child on your own.  You'll probably rationalize that you're better off with him, regardless.  I can't say that's true or not, but I can say that you cannot know if it'll be better on your own until you actually try it.

I can't think of anyone who left an addiction/abuse/neglect situation who, over the long run, didn't find themselves in a much better situation eventually.  It starts out hard, and they adjust and adapt and improve.  

Moreover, given your child's special needs, there is probably more help available to you from our government than there is for most people.

A couple years after my friend threw out her gambling addict partner, she only regrets that she didn't do it sooner.

Answer 4

Yeah. Got yourself a gambling addict. And like all addicts, they can talk the talk all they want, but you can't believe them, and they really can't believe themselves, no matter how they feel at the time. The proof is in the action. You can't make an addict kick it. You can only protect yourself and support them if they're really making the right effort, which is positive help, gambler's annon., psychological help, or whatever. There are plenty of resources. For your part, you have to get control of the money. That means he has to turn everything over to you, and you have to make it hard for him to get to it without you knowing. If he doesn't agree to this, it's about like a drunk saying you should leave the whiskey in the kitchen and he won't drink it. Do not depend on "responsibility." Addiction trumps responsibility every time. Your first job is to get on line and learn all you can about gambling addiction. Then you have to work out how you can secure the family money. And that means you cancel all the credit cards, because he can get cash advance on the phone and use the card number on on-line gambling sites. If he says he can't stand being "treated like a child," he's not committed to facing the nature of addiction and doing what it takes to break it. It won't happen next month. It won't happen next year. He may, though, if he wants to bad enough, stop gambling and keep fighting it the rest of his life. You have one responsibility toward him. That is that you not tolerate this any more. If you do, cut him loose, because you're the wrong kind of partner for an addict who needs to quit. Nothing is worse for a man with bad behavior than a woman who puts up with it.  

Answer 5

First of all, let me say I know how horrible a gambling addiction can be. One of my family members (not my husband though) has a severe gambling addiction and has gambled away thousands and thousands of dollars even though they have 4 children to support. So I am sorry that you are going through this.

Your husband needs you more than every now. You took the marriage vows. He seems like he knows what he is doing is wrong so that is a step. Have you suggested therapy? Marriage counseling? I would recommend trying those things before you divorce him.

As for getting a job...I would highly recommend it and have separate bank accounts. There are so many options for daycare as well. I know you want to stay at home with your child, but what good is that when you don't even have the money to feed, clothe, etc. them?

Answer 6

Hi there

I can totally relate, but mine is a bit more icky. Hunny you need to check what you for you. Do whats best for you, not him but yourself. Unfortunately this wont go away, if anything it can get worse.

At least you have your husband with you, I asked for a separation, got it and now he's over me and I'm not over him. So take as much time as you need to make your final decision. Weigh up the options, do up a list of what his good and bad points are.

The main advice I can give is dont get family involved, they'll take over the whole situation and make it worse - thats what happened to me.

Think it through, spend some time alone and sort it out in your own mind first. Just remember there is no guarantee he'll come back. If you love him, well try to rekindle that love, or let it go.