Feeling rejected.?

Question

My husband made the decision to contact his birth mother. I know that she looked at the pictures on a site that we have, but she did not return the e-mail.

About 5 years ago is adopted contacted his birth mother without his knowledge, who at that time said that she did not want to see a picture of him and that the only questions she would answer would be medically related.

Recently my husband located her and sent her an e-mail.

He wanted a few question answered. He was very polite and told her that he was not looking to cause any problems in her life and he understood if she did not respond. This was yesterday.

Even though he said he would be ok, I can tell he's upset with the no response.

What should he expect? Has anyone had something similar happen with a birth parent? Per conversation she had with his adopted mom, no one knows of her pregnancy and his birth.

I feel helpless and have no idea what to expect next and how to help him.

Answer 1

This can be a huge shock for her to overcome.  Lots of emotions, lots of feelings to sort through.  Don't feel bad if a reply doesn't come immediately; it can take some time for her to process all of her feelings.

I found my mother in 1996.  It took her 4 months to finally come to a point where she could call me.  After our initial reunion, she "shut down"... feelings of overwhelming guilt made it impossible for her to face me.  We haven't seen each other or spoken in over 10 years now.  But, miracle of miracles, just before Christmas this year she returned my email and we have been slowly building up communication again, and are planning to start over.

All this because she has so many feelings to sort through, and hasn't given herself the time or the permission to sort through them.

So, please don't take silence as a rejection.  You might have to do what I did, and "work" at her, by sending little notes now and then, just to let her know that he is there and that he understands her hesitance.  Giving up your child is no easy thing, and having that child return years later, all grown up, isn't easy either.

Give her time and understanding, and don't pressure her; hopefully she'll get to a place where she can deal with things.

Answer 2

If she is anything like me she won't even open the email from a  strange person.  No matter what is in the subject heading.  Maybe he should try to call and not "rat her out"  if no one knows

Answer 3

She needs time to regroup. She may have been waiting for this "day", but never knew when it would come. Now she's going through all the emotions of everything and she has to be sure she has the right words. I want to see and talk to my daughter, but at the same time, I am afraid. How do you tell them something that  you think may hurt them? People might say, "Then don't." But then you can't explain everything so that it makes sense. My situation is very convuluted. Maybe he can try to assure her that he won't ask about the "father". Or maybe he can tell her, if I ask you ANYTHING that you don't want to answer, tell me, and I won't press you. I think it must be an issue with the "father". Maybe not. I'm sorry he's hurting and I think he's lucky to have you. She may need time, who knows how long? Best wishes to your family. Give her time. Maybe he could send some pictures and tell some light-hearted stories about your children (if you have any) or yourselves. Keep it light. I am thinking that he should send the pictures and then touch base every couple of weeks. Short and sweet. Just my thoughts.

Answer 4

Two suggestions:

1. the email address may not have been correct anymore.

2. If you haven't already, may I suggest that you read the book "The Girls That Went Away?"  If it is true and his birthmother is one of the 2% that does not want to be found or contacted, than at least you could read about what the experience is like so you can understand where those feelings come from with regards to the women who don't want to be found as well as the ones who did.

Answer 5

I was relinquished for adoption at birth.  My bparents did not even know if I was a boy or a girl.  The were married at the time of my birth and the cover story they told was that I had died during the birth.  They even had a memorial service for me.  Then they went on to tell the story of the baby that died again and again over the years...gajillions of lies, and some of them very recent lies.  Therefore they were most certainly not happy about being found by me some 40+ years later.  

They are still married.  My bmom refused contact.  And I have made no further attempts to contact her.  Although my bdad agreed to contact, it was really just to keep me away from other family members.  He asked me to sign a document relinquishing my right to search for other family members; I refused.  We did have phone and mail contact for about 6 months.  I did eventually contact another family member, and that is when bdad quit his contact with me.  I now have contact with a grandmother, a full-blood sibling, aunts/uncles, and many cousins.  And it is through my contact with this extended family that I have all of my dependable information.  Most of what bdad told me was out-right, bold-faced lies.

If I were your husband, I would definitely attempt to get as much medical information as possible, then move on to some basic questions about social history.  If his bmom doesn't want to give more, you can't make her.  But don't forget that your husband also had a father!  He too could be a good source of information.  The laws might be different in your state, but I was allowed to search for parents, siblings, and grandparents.  In my case, once ONE other person in my bfamily knew about me, the story went through the family like a wildfire.  Many who had truly mourned me as dead now welcomed me to the family with open arms and open hearts.

I felt justified in contacting other family members because I believed that they too had a right to decide if they wanted contact with me...but they could never decide if no one knew that I existed or was indeed still alive.

The upheaval my reappearance caused really exists only in my bparents' minds.  No one is angry with them, surprised...yes, definitely.  I have been told that bmom refused contact because she is afraid that I hate her and because she is embarrassed.  She has to find the strength to forgive herself someday, since she is the only on who can do that.  

I always knew that my adoption was a success story.  After finding out what was on the other side of the proverbial fence, I can now say that my adoption was a chance-in-a-million success story.

Answer 6

He just sent the email yesterday. Perhaps she has not even read it yet some people don’t check their email daily. Perhaps she changed her address. You just need to be there for your husband and support him.  His birthmother is not obligated to reply  back or answer  any of the questions he has  If she does not respond to his email.  It may be harsh but its possible she may want nothing to do with him. The fact that she kept this pregnancy a secret and her family doesn’t even know about him, might be another reason she doesn’t want contact aside from providing some medical information.

Now I suppose he could try and contact her via the telephone but if she expresses no interest in talking to him, then he really needs to let go and respect her wishes., perhaps give her his phone number if she choose to contact him.

Answer 7

ask him to check out our site for some adoptee support https://www.adultadoptees.org

Answer 8

She has chosen privacy and this should be respected.

Answer 9

hopefully she will provide the needed medical info though. i hope in time your husband will heal, because it's his birth mother's loss for not wanting to know him. here's to hoping she will come to her senses and welcome your husband into her life!!

Answer 10

Is there any way that he can call her?  That might not be an active acct any more.  Can he go visit her?  That is what I would do.

Answer 11

My first contact with my birth daughter was in a letter it said that I was looking for some one born on Jan ** 1972, born in B******* CA and I was wondering if she might be who I was looking for, I left out one piece of information that only she and I and her aparents would know. I gave her my phone number and email address. I mailed it to the address I had and it ended up her aparents address. When she did call about 3 weeks later, when the phone rang, I knew it was her and then I heard her voice and the way she talks and it was like talking to myself. I guess what I'm getting at is, give her a little time.  I hope she comes around and sees how selfish her pride is, but if she doesn't then it is her loss and I feel so sorry for her.

Answer 12

My family is a little bit of a different story. My husband's father rejected him and his sisters early on in life. My dad has the same name as his father, only he's junior. My mom was waiting at the doctor's office one day and got to talking with this woman- she couldn't believe my mom's last name was T** Mc****because her husband's best friend was also T** Mc****. They talked more and more and my mom said that he was her husband's father. The woman was astounded and refused to believe it because the man she knew already had a family and this many children. My mom got increasingly upset and told the woman that her friend had a family he had rejected years before. After that event my dad tried to find his dad, it wasn't hard seeing as there were only a few Mc**** listed in the phone book, my father was listed underneath him as JR (can you believe that!) and proceeded to call him. His father downright rejected speaking to him because he was under the assumption he was only trying to call him to get money out of him and afterwards left my father angry and in tears.

Here's where I come in. I'm very sick, I have medical problems like you wouldn't believe and the only link between my history of medical concerns lies with my grandfather. He's getting up in age and if I don't contact him soon I'll never be able to know because my father and his sisters know nothing about the family's medical history. I tried last year trying to get information out of my parents so I could get in touch with him but they down right refused, they said he wouldn't help me and that he'd only think I was after money. I don't know my grandfather and I'm not really interested in finding a bond, I just want to know what further tests I need to have done. I don't think I'll ever be brave enough to contact him, it's not just the feeling of being rejected by this man that will not admit I'm family, but the fact that I'll insult my grandmother by trying to talk to him and not necessarily meet him.

I wish your husband all the luck with his search because knowing one's family health is important. Tell him to wait, chances are she kept the pregnancy a secret for a reason. If she decides to email him back take it as a positive sign, but if she refuses do not let it affect him personally. It is no insult to him. A decision, especially one like giving up a child, is emotionally crippling so it may be too hard for her to remember the past regardless of your husband's needs of knowledge. I hope you get your questions answered.

Answer 13

My husband has a similar issue.  He found out he had a son after the child was 8 years old.  He was angry and shocked that he was never told.  Then found out that the Mom didn't know his last name and asked a mutual acquaintance who told her his name, but didn't know how to spell it.  Anyway, eventually welfare found him because she was drawing benefits.  The court ordered visitation and she was furious.  She never wanted him to even know about the baby.  Anyway, several months later she took the child and moved away.  He was 9 the last time we saw him and he would be 32 now.  We've attempted to locate him numerous times and have contacted other family members asking them to get a message to him, etc.  My husband decided the boy must not want to re-establish contact and I know it hurts him.  All I can do is be there for him.  I do attempt to locate the boy every once in awhile without telling my husband because I don't want to upset him.  There is not much you can do to alleviate the loss a parent feels for a child and vice versa.  Good luck.