Feeling the loss: Adoptees, how old were you when you realized that you had to lose a family in order for you?

Question

to be with your adoptive family? Or did you just always feel it?

Adoptive parents: Have you noticed your children putting their losses into words or action, and at what age?

My daughter is 3, yet I am noticing some subtle things that make me believe she is processing her losses in her 3 year old way. Her imagination is a big one. She made her mama more than human, a fairy princess. Recently she has been repeating over and over that she has 2 mothers: 1 "mommy mommy" and 1 "China momma." Right now this all seems to fascinate her and she almost seems pleased to have 2, though she does NOT like the idea of 2 dads. Right now she is adamant that she has 1 daddy (my hubby). We are working on that slowly.

But I just wonder when the pain is going to hit. When she is going to really digest the fact that for her to be with us, someone had to abandon her first.

Answer 1

I'm not aqn adoptee, but I have always know that I lost my sister to adoption and it as put a big old pit in my heart.

I was so happy to have a baby sister, I couldn't even believe that she was part me. I was going to be a big sis. Almost 3 years later I was no longer a big sis, I didn't have a baby sis, and se had a new dad and we just didn't talk about it.

I would see girls her age and wonder if that could be her.  There was just a feeling of unfinished business.

Answer 2

I lost my first family when I was a little over a year old.  Although I cannot pinpoint a moment of realization, I cannot recall a time that I didn't know that there was a loss involved.  

Despite this, it wasn't until my early 30's that I fully admitted that it did hurt.  Honestly, I wish I would have been able to admit that to myself sooner.  As a younger person, if the feeling came up in me, I would set it aside and tell myself that it was "no biggie."  I would tell myself that it was just the way it was, that it all turned out OK in the end, and not to worry about it.  Eventually, I had to face it and deal with it, as resolution was needed.

Answer 3

I was 4...and 10...and 14...and 19...and 24...and 31.  LOL!  As one of the mothers here said, we adoptees re-grieve our losses over and over again, as our understanding changes.  I would add to that we re-grieve when we encounter events that bring it to the forefront of our consciousness.  Example: My  grief surged at age 31 when a good friend revealed that she had placed a daughter for adoption, then 'mused' about looking for her, then found her -- all in the space of 4 months.  I was jealous and that opened all the old wounds...I'd been searching (in whatever ways I could) for 17 years at that point.

(Btw, my biological mother and I found each other when I was 32.  Now I'm grieving different things.  But, I'm glad we reunited and I wouldn't change it!)

The 'pain' hit me when I was 4.  I was always aware (as far as I know) that I was adopted and I joined a family that already had 2 children -- one adopted and one biological.  Adoption was just another 'slice' of my identity: female, left-handed, middle-child, adopted, musical, NOT athletic, highly emotional, etc.

The first time I *really* felt it, painfully, was when (at 4) I knew for the first time that my mother...gosh! I don't even know how to put it into words -- I just felt it.  I remember looking at my mom and knowing that she didn't really *know* me -- and never would.  I am speaking of my adoptive mother.  I don't know what triggered it.  I just felt really different.  Not from my sibs, or non-adopted friends, or schoolmates...from my *mom*.  The one person who (some instinct told me) SHOULD know me.  It was bizzare.  It was at that same moment when I knew that there was a mother (my 'other' mother) that would/did know me.  And I knew that I had lost her.  And I didn't know/feel/understand why I lost her.  I was devastated.  And I thought (in my 4-year-old way) that it was my fault.  I had never felt a loss like that before (or since).  And, it has never left me.

I don't think I ever expressed it to anyone directly.  I'm sure I acted out and I'm sure (later, as a teen) I said horrible things to my parents.  I never remember telling anybody why I was hurting.  And nobody ever asked.  My parents had pretty convenient alternative 'reasons' why I was upset (bored, tired, hormonal, etc.) and I'm relatively sure they never considered the impact of adoption on the adopted.

My first mother and I are in reunion and I still feel the loss.  She is basically what I expected her to be -- I describe it as "what I always knew she was" but nobody believes me.  Well, she does, of course.  I knew she would.  :-)

Reading back, I think this may sound like I don't love my parents or that I favor my first mother over the parents that raised me.  That is not the case.  I love ALL my parents deeply.  I love them all with devotion.  And, I love them all differently -- because they are all different.  My parents did the best they could and I love them for it.

It sounds like you have a better 'grip' on parenting an adopted child than mine did.  And I can tell how much you care because you are asking.  And you are noticing.  And you are helping your daughter.  I hope this helps.

Best of luck to you all!

Answer 4

My daughter is 4 and very much feels the loss of her foster mother and foster brother, who were her family from (we were told) about 5 weeks to about 14 months. She often cries and says she misses her other mommy. She has done this since 3.5 or before.

Nowadays she sometimes says it only after her mommy-in-residence (me) says something she doesn't like <grin>. She also says "Well, my other mommy would let me" when she's talking about something that clearly would not have been allowed for a 14 month old, pre-walking baby! I have a hard time hiding a grin sometimes.

But her feelings of loss are very real, also. I truly believe that her foster mother loved my daughter, and I KNOW my daughter loves her. She remembers being held and carried around by the older brother in her foster family, and no one told her about that, so I'm pretty sure it was a real memory. We have a couple of pictures of my daughter with her foster mother in her lifebook as well, and we talk about her and look at the pictures pretty often, and my daughter's sense of loss over her foster mother is deep. I will forever be grateful to that family, the mother especially, for teaching our (mutual) daughter what love is. And I very much hope we can visit her soon, especially for my daughter's sake (and hers).

Possibly because of the close relationship with her foster family, or maybe just because of her age, my daughter does not talk much about the loss of her first family. We talk about how hard it is to have mommies that aren't here, and I always include her first mommy as well as her foster mommy, but so far I think the concept is too abstract for her -- and the foster mommy feels more real. I expect my daughter will feel this loss early, though, as she is a deep-feeling person.

Answer 5

My son was reacting to his loss well before the age of 3 and now at five, he has the tools to talk about it openly, instead of just acting out. However, thru every age and stage, children can regrieve their loss again and again. As their understanding of the world changes and grows, so does their thoughts about adoption and what they have lost.

Listen to her very carefully. Sometimes their little imaginations make things up to deal with the losses. My son came up to me a few months ago and very matter-of-factly said "um, when you kill my daddy-steve, was my mom there too?" I nearly fell over! I said "I didn't kill him honey" and he replied "Oh! so it was daddy who did it!"

I had no idea where this had come from as he certianly knows his adoption story, including where his natural parents live today. I was so happy that he said his thoughts out loud so I was aware that he had reached that high fantasy stage of mythical thinking.

Answer 6

I'm 21 years old and i'm an adopetee. I've spent my hole life feeling like i didnt belong. I acted out in my own ways. But what you should be letting her know is that her birth mommy didnt abandon her she wanted her to have a better life and thats why you (Mommy & Daddy) have her and love her with all your heart. Just keep letting her know! Good luck  I really hope things get better!

Answer 7

When I was a sophomore in high school my best friend's mom died, and when my dad told me on the phone I was pretty numb, but when I asked to talk to my mom (whom I am not particularly close with emotionally)I broke down in sobbing tears like a little baby and I kept saying

"mommy please don't leave me, please don't leave me, mommy please don't die."

The emotions came from a very deep place inside of me and in that moment I know I was grieving my n-mom as well as being worried that my a-mom would die and leave me too...that i'd be abandonded again.

Looking back, though, I can tell that I was definitely obsessed with the idea of being abandoned....playing pretend games like "lost kids" and "boxcar children" and "orphan." I was never super emotional, though, except through anger, so I was mostly surprised when I reacted so strongly as an angry teenager...

Answer 8

Six.

When did I realize that I had crappy adoptive parents?

Eight.

When did I realize I'd been TOTALLY f@cked by the adoption system, taken from an intelligent, wealthy family and given to emotionally retarded, lower-middle class 'parents'.

That came into clear focus at about 25, three years after reunion, when I realized just how much I'd lost.  I'm still not over it.

Answer 9

I believe I always knew deep down. And I have a clear memory of when I was very very young and handed to my adoptive parents by my foster mother. Don't stop your daughter talking about this, just listen and acknowledge what she is saying and that should be fine at the moment, and as she gets older you can explain in further details about her adoption.

Answer 10

I've always felt the loss but it was such a hugely painful realization that I stuffed it and stayed deep in the fog until I was nearly 30.

Even after reuniting and finding out some ugly truths about agency coercion and deceptive practices, it was much easier to keep on drinking the kool-aid and convincing myself that I didn't "lose" anything.

Acknowledging that loss and taking ownership of it was a painful, difficult process...and I am still coming to terms with it.

Answer 11

Well I actually remember everything. I was three - almost four when my brother and I were taken and put into foster care. Then adopted soon after by equally abusive adoptive parents.

I was ten when I asked them why on earth did they adopt. My a-father said "we needed a boy to help on the farm, and they wouldn't separate you and your brother, so we took you to tend to the kitchen with your mother."

So I was alway well aware of my history. I too used to make up stories of being part of a royal family and having some tragic mistake happen where I was instead sold as a slave to nasty abusive people.

I was 13 when it seemed everything came full circle and I demanded to know Everything about where I was from. She told me and I read the adoption papers.

Good luck to you! I'm not sure how old your child was when you adopted her, but she will remember things with the creativeness of a child. I often wonder too about cellular level memory, heritage DNA memory and the like.

Answer 12

My children from adoption are 7 and 12, respectively.  Both express their losses in different ways, but mainly it's questions and observations... the kind of which really makes a parent think.  

My daughter (the 12 year old) and I tend to connect more when we're driving somewhere together or other times when she'll let me know she wants some 1 on 1 time with Mom.  Sometimes, the maturity and insight of her comments has me nearly convinced that I'm speaking to a 20 year old.  In addition to the many losses associated with relinquishment and adoption, she's also lost much of her childhood due to the circumstances in her home country.  

My son (the 7 year old) is much more concrete.  We got a puppy a few months ago and he has been able to articulate much of his fears and feelings in a way that relates to our family "adopting" a puppy.  "The puppy needed a family.  Are we his new family now?  Will he live with us forever?"  were common questions asked.  When he speaks of his losses, he does so much more directly than his sister.  

Great question, Kazi.

Answer 13

Never I feel blessed to be who I am and in the family I am in.  It does not have to be a tragedy.  Find a way to tell her her adoption story in a way that is truthful but positive.  Tell her how badly you wanted her and that God made bad circumstances turn out to be wonderful.  If she came from abroad think about what an adventure getting to her home was.  If you are focused on the tragedy of the whole thing she will be to.  Help her to see her biological mother as the hero that saved her life and gave her to you.  

My mother (adopted) always told me the wonderful things that she knew about my biological mother.  This was probably hard at times because by biological mother was a drug addict.  When I was old enough to understand the ugly side to my story I was better able to deal with it without resentments.  This is because of the great job my adopted mom did of making me see the positives.  Any adoption story can be spun to have a silver lining if the AP will look for it and share it often.