Fellow adopted children: how do you answer THIS question?

Question

Have those of you that havent sought out birth parents or birth records info, have you given this much thought?

Every time I am asked: what nationality or race are you, I think, you know what, I have NO clue.

Every time I am asked what is my medical history from past generations, I am perplexed.

Every time I am asked are your parents alive, I think, you know what, I dont know.

Every time I am asked "dont you wonder what your mother looks like?" I cant help but honestly think, well, ok...I guess I do.

Do these normal questions irritate you too? lol

Answer 1

1. I dont really think about it, and anyone to whom this really matters is probably not worth knowing anyway

2. Just tell the truth to your Doctor, you dont know because you are adopted. To anyone other than your Doctor, refer to my answer above

3. I dont know either, so what? They have never been a part of my life

4. My mother is the woman who raised me, not the one who gave birth to me

Answer 2

yes, they all bothered me, and many more questions that I'm sure our fellow adopted brothers and sisters have asked many times to ourselves.

You are not a child, at least I don't think. So please call yourself an adult. Calling us children for our entire lives is a method of the adoption industry to supress our adopted people.

The questions irritate me to no end.

Search, find, it is your right!! if you need help doing so, PM me. :)

Answer 3

This questions went unanswered for me for 38 years. My inlaws are very into their family history/genealogy, I was totally lacking mine (my afam is family but their ancestors were not mine). The medical question became scary once I had children and had no idea what could be lurking in my dna. Who I looked like also bothered me. My three kids look just like my hubby. Finally finding my nparents answered these questions and helped me tremendously. I have ANSWERS now!

Answer 4

I am not adopted but I appreciate your question. I am on a mission to discover how to allow my adoptive child to not lose them self.  I will be sure to gather as much information as I can about the child I adopt.  I have several friends who have recently adopted and I know that some of the birth moms put together a kind of "scrap/history " for their birth child.  If my future child is not able to have something like that I will just have to do my best in getting the information.  Thanks for sharing!!  I am now journaling (as I would if I were pregnant) for our future child.  This is "topic" is going in it.  

BTW, I would hope that you don't let it irritate you too much...most people don't mean any harm and are just curious.  Another thing to keep in mind, there are people that have not been adopted and have life situations that people are curious about.  I have heard so many questions about some things that happened in my life.  I try not to get irritated by the really stupid questions.  I actually take the opportunity to do a little teaching about what asking these questions may do to a person.  Good luck.

Possum:

I am all for open adoption.   I have always felt the more love in my childs life the better.  If the links you have can give me more ideas how to make my future childs life easier, I would appreciate it.  If these links are for people to bash me cause I am looking to adopt or because I have it on the web, then I will pass.  Thanks for your nice words, no offense taken...looking for help here with my future child thats all.

Answer 5

Wow!  I never thought of all that.  I'm not adopted,

but I have cousins and friends who are.  One guy knows his

birth parents are polish and irish, and so are his adopted parents.  His bio mom's parents found him when he was an adult.  They had made their daughter put him up for adoption, and she never forgave them.

Answer 6

The whole nationality race thing gets me too. my mother (for the sake of keeping my adoption secret) told me she was my mother and that my father was black. a few years later when i asked her again she said he was east indian. that's when i was like huh? she said he was a dark east indian so that i wouldn't press the issue. lol due to my own stupidity i went along with it.

if it hadn't been for my original birth certificate i wouldn't know that i'm korean but now the problem is, i still have no clue what the other half of me is. I assume black because of my complextion. the africans think i'm samalian, the hispanics think i dominican (don't know how many times i've had a lawyer come up to me and just start speaking spanish. I just have to tell them i have no clue what you just said could you repeat that? lol) Should anyone really have to guess what their race is? kinda sad. what's even more sad is that it even matters in society.

I haven't sought out my mother because she doesn't have a social security number. she was under age and still a korean citizen when i was born. I did go online one time and downloaded all the names in the US and created a generic letter and mailed out like 2,000. i got hate mail, some people that were happy to give me more names that i didn't have on the list, and alot of referances to other places that i could find her name and address. I gave up after that. Now i just don't know if i want to find her. not because i don't need closure but i don't know how i would deal with it if it didn't go well. i don't want for her to be my mother i'm grown. but i'm not sure if i don't at least want some type of a relationship with her and that's what scares me. the fact that i don't know how i will take it.

As far as nut job parents go lmao. i told you my mother disowned me monday. because we got into a big argument over trust. today i'm "un disowned." been like that forever. she told me i was adopted when i was 12 and then when i was 13 she asked me if i wanted a new family and sent me to military boarding school for 2 years. 7 days a week. She doesn't like black people either. told me my son had too much black in him. so yeah i do believe some of us have had our fair share of nuts.

Answer 7

LOL (Sorry, laughing WITH you - not AT you) about the nutcases.  Mine were too.  My adoptive mother's family was insane, so was she, and she passed it on to her natural son.  She was 100% Swedish.  My adoptive father was an abusive misogynist and half German, half Scottish.

For years, they tried to convince me I was half Swedish and a1/4 German, 1/4 Scottish.  LOL  When I finally reunited with my natural mother and father, imagine how thrilling it was to find I was none of those things!  And I finally got to find out about my families' histories and medical backgrounds.

Finally, a lot of who I was began to make sense to me.  I just never fit in my adoptive family, and they didn't help matters by berating me for not fitting/complying (how does one act insane to match one's insane "brother?").

I imagine growing up with that knowledge might have been easier for me but then who knows with those nutcases?

I am very proud of my heritage and, now that I am in my 50s it is a HUGE help to know my medical history.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that knowing any of your history is no big deal.  Ask them if living in the dark would be no big deal to them.

You have every moral right to have this information about YOURSELF.  

I'm sorry.  I know how hard it is to be without it.

P.S. I was adopted at 6 weeks.  I am no longer an adopted "child."  Haven't been one for almost 40 years. :)

Answer 8

YES - those questions drive me NUTS.

Please know that you are in no way alone.

Reach out to other adoptees - as only they truly know and understand the frustration that exists because of these - and other - questions.

Adoptee forum -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Links to adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

My belief - if a child needs to be adopted - a child still needs to know everything about their family of origin - AND have some physical contact with that family if it is at all possible (and the child is not in danger).  This is what any child needs to have a better sense of self worth and self image.

No disrespect to 'www.adopt' - and others that have similar ideas - more than a scrapbook of facts is what is needed. (it's a wonderful start - but please do consider more) You are hoping to parent a child that can not be parented by their own. The child still needs to know their family of origin - and scraps of life in a book don't make up for REAL contact - if it is possible. If you would like links to adoptive parent and first parent blogs who are in successful open adoption - just let me know. It really can work - and is more nurturing for the child. Just my opinion. Please know - no harm is intended.

Adoptive mothers in open adoptions blogs -

http://seriouslyjustme.blogspot.com/

http://goingbacktosquareone.blogspot.com...

http://unproductivereproduction.blogspot...

http://www.allmychildren-christine.blogs...

First mothers in open adoptions blogs -

http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/

http://paragraphein.wordpress.com/

And when you feel up to it - do try to read adoptee blogs - it can be very very hard - those adoptive parents I've linked to say this often - but they realise that they are raising an adoptee - and want to be aware of what issues they may come up against as their adoptee grows.

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Answer 9

I'm not an adoptee, but I've seen these feelings expressed so many times.  This is the paradox that feelings of adoption loss can create.  Someone can be glad that they grew up in the adoptive family that they did, have no bitterness, but there are still those "primal"  feelings of loss and abandonment in so many adoptees.  I was reading the blog of an adult adoptee the other day that really made this clear for me.  She had just come into contact with her biological brother who had lived his childhood with their biological mother whom she had never known.  Their biological mother was dead, so she didn't have any chance to meet her.  The brother was recovering from some pretty serious problems with substance abuse and bad life choices following the temultuous childhood he had lived.  In no way did this woman wish she had been raised the same way he had.  But, she felt such sadness, such jealousy that her brother had had the chance to feel their mother's touch and smell and know nurturing from her.  Oh, I really am not doing her feelings justice trying to describe them.  She, of course, describes it much more eloquently, but I can't find the the blog again, now.  Anyway, you are not alone in your feelings; it cuts so deep, even when adoption IS the best thing for a child.

Answer 10

I think about these questions that my children might be asked one day and although they still have some rights with their bio parents (it won't last too much longer) they will have some memory.  I try to keep as much infomation for them as possible so that they will be able to answer some of these questions and not left out in the dark about who they are and where they came from.

Answer 11

I hope you find your family and they answer your questions. Check out the links Possum gave you for help on searching. Never forget that you DESERVE to know your family, your medical history, your heiritage, it is all yours, and it is your human right to have this knowledge.

Answer 12

i was adopted by my brother's father ......i never knew my real/ biological father or his family.......my mom told me all the info she could about him but i still wonder and have wondered about him and his medical history , his nationality, and much more. i know that he is gone now and i will never know alot of this info.......i have tried to talk to his family but its hard because i have alot of anger toward him and his life style and they want to tell me that he did love me all the time.

Answer 13

Yes, I can see where questions like these are irritating, but most people are just curious. But I think the things that are really important are that the people that raised you love you like their child and gave you the best upbringing they could have.

Answer 14

Well I'm sixteen and my mom sleep with a man I don't even know while her husband went away to the gulf war.  They divorced now so he technically isn't related to me or connected now.  He raised me though.  All I know is that the man my mom slept with is nicknamed Tweety because he had yellow skin and was very tall.  My mom refuses to bring it up along with m surposed to be dad so I can't find out who he is or anything about him.  All I know is that he left after he found out my mom was pregnant because he didn't want to take care of me and he lives in Texas today.

     Its been kinda hard because everytime someone ask me what is my heritage I have to respond black and indian or IDK because I don't know what I am. To draw a description I look like Prince.  I have yellowish brown skin, light brown eyes and black hair just like him.

    I'm not adopted but it sucks that I don't know my heritage.

Answer 15

I know adopted children (including my son) who had no interest in locating biological relatives.  As someone raised by biological parents, there's a whole lot I don't know about my grandparents' background - and don't care.  I don't know all the nationalities in my background either.

Even without knowing the name of his biological mother, though, my son knew information about his delivery.  

Since I have biological children too, and since I'm a mix of nationalities and their father is a mix, I always told all three of my children they are "melting pot babies" - which is what being American is about.  My son who is adopted is clearly a white person, so he's always known his race.  :)

Just the other night a tv show mentioned how genetics get watered down, so one generation's medical problems are not necessarily the same as those of people a couple of generations down the line.  Nurturing in the first three years of life determines how brain connections are formed.  (www.zerotothree.org).  A mother's nurturing in the first three years of life can actually alter a person's brains stress response and immune system for the rest of his life.  In other words, the medical history of your ancestors doesn't matter much.

If my son is asked whether is parents are alive he says, "Yes", and he means me and his father.  He happens to now know that the birth mother is alive, but that's not who he'd mean if he answered the question.

Some adopted children don't have any interest whatsoever in what their biological parents look(ed) like.  Many do.  That's normal, and they have a right to their curiosity.  I have a 60-year-old inlaw who has no idea and doesn't want to know.  His daughter asked him to get information so she could share it with her children, and he refused.  He maintains that his adoptive parents are his only parents - end of story, as far as he's concerned.

Even though I'm not adopted I never saw a picture of either of my grandmothers, one of whom died only four years before I was born.  We all have things in our history that we don't know, some of us more than others.

You have a right to your wanting to know, and you should get that information if at all possible since you want/need it.  In the meantime, don't tell anyone who isn't close that you were adopted.  That will cut down on the questions.  People who aren't close enough to know the answers to those questions don't really need to know you're adopted.  If you have to lie to fend off the questions you're sick of hearing.  :)

Not long ago I wrote an little piece about "rights adopted children should have".  I'm pasting it below.   I thought you may somehow appreciate the sentiment:

RIGHTS OF ADOPTED CHILDREN - WHAT EVERY ADOPTED CHILD DESERVES

It seems fairly to obvious that adopted children have a right to know they have been adopted right from the beginning. It also seems obvious that grown adopted children should have the right to meet and know their biological parents if they wish, and that their right to that should take precedence over the biological mother's "right to privacy". After all, "what is best for the child" is supposed to be the aim of all mothers..

There are some rights, though, that adopted children should have but that are often forgotten:

The right to be wanted is one that is often the reason children are placed for adoption.

The right to know that being adopted doesn't have to mean being different from the other kids is one right on which many people need to do some work. The right to feel "like everyone else" is a right some people think cannot belong to adopted people. I don't believe feeling like everyone else is impossible for adopted children when adults present things correctly.

The right to understand the very dramatic ways in which nurturing in the first three years of life can affect a child's personality and brain development is one right many people forget that adopted children should have.

The right to be viewed by other people as no different from anyone else is a right that requires some work on the part of people who can have trouble "getting past it" once they learn someone has been adopted.

The right to the very normal thing of having one mother and one father at one time throughout the formative years is a right that shouldn't be forgotten.

The right of the youngest of adopted children to being shielded from some ugly realities that may exist around the birth circumstances, and the right to having any such ugly realities put in a perspective that helps the child, once he's old enough, to understand better should not be overlooked.

The right to have the fact of his being adopted forgotten by people like adoptive relatives, teachers, neighbors and friends' parents is a right many adopted children don't have.

The right to be told how so many people who were not adopted children may know very little about their grandparents or other family members beyond their immediate family.

The right to be referred to by people outside their family (adoptive family) as "their son" and not "their adopted son".

The right to having parents point out any ways they see in which he happens to be similar to them in personality, abilities, or even - although its coincidence - any physical characteristics. I'm not suggesting parents of children who are very different in appearance must stretch the truth about physical traits. I'm saying that when any similar traits do exist adopted children can enjoy hearing the same kind of comparisons that biological children do. Nobody needs to constantly bring up the genetic realities. Adopted children should just have the right to hear what non-adopted kids hear.

The right not to have the fact that they're adopted be the main focus of their life and existence, and this leads to the right to be a person in their own right

Answer 16

I am an adopted child (I was adopted @ 1week old. I am 35)

I was born and raised in the United States...so my nationality is AMERICAN.

My race is HUMAN.

Fortunately, my Maternal/Paternal medical history was provided by the adoption agency to my adoptive parents.

When you say you don't know if your parents are alive...how do you NOT know if the people that raised you are alive? That seems odd to me. Are you estranged from them? No contact for several years or what?

Wow, there is SO much involved in all of this...I really don't think I could answer your questions without knowing exactly what your situation is.  This is deep! Ha!

Circumstances around each adoption are very different.

Would love to talk about with you if you like.  Contact me if you want.

Answer 17

These questions never came to my mind honestly never.  But my sister who is also adopted had this "big black hole"  She searched her parents out and when  found her answers.  Maybe that is what you need.

I have always been satisfied with not knowing.  My medical history--so what?  I have made it this long with out it.  Race/generations --I am related to my family that adopted me so that is my history.  Knowing these things or the lack of knowing them does not make me, ME.  I am who I am this is ME.  Try see you for who you are, you!

Answer 18

Yes I agree with her, although you may be very curious, I can imagine how you feel.

Although there is this website that you send a Q-Tip with your DNA on it from your mouth and they can track what nationalities/genetics you have.

Hehe, not sure what the website is called though....

Answer 19

it does irritate me too. contact your case worker or the department. i know how you feel good luck!

Answer 20

It is irritating very irritating.  I can't answer the medical questions nor the heritage questions either.  I just have to make sure that my daughters' future spouses realize that there is a chance a multiracial child might make an appearance.  The agency was not very forthcoming or honest in giving me accurate information.  The state I was born in changed their non id information availability and what kind to give out.  So I am stuck.

Answer 21

yes i am a adopted child and has been for 3 years now. theses kind of question always enters my mind, and people always are asking me how much do i know about them are they alive. and i have to tell them the same answer over and over i either don't know or NO. i don't know how to answer them. so if you  can give me some advised that would be great.