Female rape in the UK?

Question

How common is rape in the UK, is there a difference between date rape and forced rape? And how do you begin to understand someone that has been through this experience?

My girlfriend was raped twice when she was 16 and 18, and drunk, and it's really messed her up as she now has herpes and feels dirty and like 'damaged goods'. She won't talk about it and refuses to see a councillor. How should I support her or 'fix' her?

Answer 1

As the example of your girlfriend illustrates not only once but TWICE, rape is an underreported crime.  Its probably the most underreported violent crime of all.

Rape is rape.  There is no other kind of rape besides forcible rape; its not even called rape anymore.  Most laws classify the act of rape under the umbrella term 'sexual assault'.

She's probably depressed and would benefit from antidepressant drug therapy.  Depression is merely one symptom in the greater spectrum of Post-traumatic stress disorders commonly experienced by rape survivors.  She needs "talk therapy" too.

Poor girl: she probably buys into those Rape Myths, especially the myth about the victim being responsible for the crime.  She needs professional help; good luck with her, I hope she seeks it.

You may wish to read 'Rape-Related Posttraumatic Stress Disorder'

http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbNam...

Look for rape survivor resources in your area.

This resource provides more of a general overview of this condition:  http://www.medicinenet.com/posttraumatic...

Maybe you would like to investigate if it would be possible to press criminal charges against the offender(s).  That may prove cathartic for her.  Successful prosecution will help her to heal.

Answer 2

It's difficult to know how common rape is as the most common kind is committed by someone known to the victim and often goes unreported. There is nearly always feelings of guilt and self disgust felt by the victim, which commonly leads to self destructive behaviour. If she was drunk when the rapes occurred she may also blame herself (wrongly) for the rapes. Very commonly (almost always in fact) there is a loss of self esteem and also a confused sense of identity, it can lead the victim to see themselves in terms of their sexual being rather than their worth as a human being. It may seem a paradoxical situation but unless you have experienced sexual abuse more than once and by more than one person, it is almost impossible to understand this. Quite oftenly the victim will behave more erratically and push people away, this is part of the self destructive pattern where they want to be loved and wanted, but feel themselves 'unworthy'. Unfortunately you cannot 'fix' someone like this. You can be there, support them, show you care and value them for themselves but ultimately it is very hard to reach the 'damaged' part of them. Rape crisis does brilliant anonymous counselling that is free, and although she doesn't want to go maybe you could persuade her to try? Speaking to others who've been through it is a wonderfully cathartic experience and will let her know she is not on her own. Until she is prepared to confront what has happened there is very little you can do. I really hope you can get her to talk,  good luck x  

Answer 3

"""How common is rape in the UK"""

Not very common at all.

Rape is actually very low and isn't anywhere near as high and common as the feminists claim.

Answer 4

It is very common.

But there are so many grey areas, where girls feel dirty, or feel like they somehow brought it on themselves, or that they didn't resist strongly enough, that they don't report it. I have been abused in some form or another sexually, but does that make it rape? I got sexually assaulted when drunk, was it my fault for not being capable of standing up for myself strongly enough?

All I know is that my experiences messed with my head for a long time. As a teenager, I was sexually assaulted by a bouncer while I was drunk and a virgin, I just didn't know how to stand up for myself. I didn't eat for a week afterwards, punishing myself. I felt it was my fault. When I was twenty one and naive, my boyfriend brought a friend of his back to the house. They had been drinking and were high on cocaine, and I was scared (I've never done drugs). My boyfriend started ripping my clothes off, saying he had promised his friend some action. I was too scared by the presence of them both to refuse, he had pinned me down and forced me in the past when I said no and I knew he was stronger than me. It hurt a lot and afterwards I ran a really hot bath and went and sat in it and cried, and slashed all down my arms with a knife because I felt so dirty. I kept scrubbing my skin. The next day he just apologised and said he had been drunk, but kept on telling me how much it had turned him on. I still stayed with him, it lasted another few months. I never reported it. There is still doubt in my mind over whether that was rape. There is still the demon that says I should have said no more forcefully, instead of caving in because I was afraid of their physical strength and the fact that they were far from sober. There is still the bit of you that only equates being raped with being physically forced while resisting physically with all your might. You still ask yourself if it was all your fault for getting yourself into a situation where that could happen. You still think that it is something that could never get to court, but that doesn't stop it affecting you.

My friend was date raped when her drink was spiked, and my Mum was hit over the head with a bottle by a family friend as a teenager and raped forcibly. She didn't pursue it as she was afraid of going to court. She still can't bear to talk about it forty years later.

Worse still, as you can tell by it happening twice to your girlfriend, it often happens to the most vulnerable girls and they are often vulnerable enough for it to happen more than once.

You can't fix her. Maybe she just isn't ready to be fixed. It took me years to trust men again, and it took a good man with a lot of patience. But I had to be prepared to let him heal me. Honestly, if she won't let you in, there is nothing you can do.

I also have herpes, which I caught from my nice, long term boyfriend - he got cold sores. That really does make me feel dirty and like damaged goods, and if anything that is the hardest thing to deal with. Just when you think you deserve a nice man, you feel to unclean to deserve one at all. Harder than any of the other experiences. It is something that although on one level I accept is minor, I can't seem to get over. I see men and think I couldn't let them come near me because I am dirty somehow - even though it is just the same as cold sores. Thought isn't logical.

I don't know what to suggest, other than show that you are a man that can be trusted and wouldn't hurt her, and make her feel beautiful and not dirty.

Answer 5

I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend has suffered such horrendous behaviour twice in her life! All you can do is be there for her, let her talk about if and when she wants to. Don't push her into anything, let her be in charge of the physical side of your relationship. Reassure her, even if this means repeating yourself. It will take time for her to deal with this, so try not to push her, she probably just wants to block it out of her mind forever. The best thing you can do is help her to never feel like she is being controlled and pressured, that is how you will build her trust.