Feminists, would it irritate you...?

Question

If a man (specifically a stranger) offered to help you with something physical? Like let's say you had to lift heavy boxes by yourself and he offered to help you with it. Would you kindly accept his strong arm or would you be annoyed with him for not respecting you as a "strong independent woman"?

Or let's say a man acted "like a gentleman" towards you? (i.e holding open the door for you, or if you were in a crowded subway or bus and he gave up his seat and offered it to you, etc) would you accept his kind gesture or politely decline?

Not trying to stir up emotions or anything, just asking a question.

Answer 1

I'm not a "radical feminist" or anything- but I would sometimes be offended.  

With the "lifting something physical" if I didn't know the person i would be much more hesitant- but if I am having trouble lifting it I would accept help.  If the woman looks perfectly capable of doing it herself though- don't intervene.  

As for guys acting "like a gentlemen"- holding the door open I am always ok with, it is a kind gesture that we really need more of in this world.  As for the subway seat, it's not that I would be offended but rather that I would feel that you were sacrificing your relaxation for mine, so I would probably decline.  If the girl appears tired or is carrying a medium/ heavy sized load- then by all means, offer her your seat.  

Good luck!

Answer 2

Why would that bother me? I offer to help people too and hold doors for anyone (man or woman). It's called being nice.

Answer 3

Nope, it wouldn't irritate me at all. I'd find it very kind and thoughtful, actually. I try to behave that way toward other people, both male and female, so why would it be offensive for them to behave that way toward me? Shouldn't we all try to help each other out whenever we can?

The only thing you mentioned that I wouldn't allow would be if a guy offered to give me his seat. It wouldn't offend me - again, I'd find it thoughtful. But I don't deserve it any more than he does, so I'd thank him, but allow him to keep it.

Edit: Gotta admit, I'm a little confused by the discrepancy in answers here. The guys all seem to think that we (feminists) hate courtesy, yet I've never seen any woman here give an answer that reflected that. Is this just stereotypes at work, or what?

Answer 4

People, would it irritate you if a person offered to help you with something physical?

Let's say you had to lift heavy boxes by yourself, and this person offered to help you with it. You would accept that person's help, or be annoyed for not respecting you?

Or let's say a person acted politely toward you (holding open the door for you, or offering you a seat on the subway or bus)? Would you accept the kind gesture or politely decline?

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My point in editing your post was to show how silly it is.

It's never rude to OFFER help to another person. It's not rude to politely decline such help.

There are things that all civilized humans do -- such as holding open a door they've gone through, when they're aware someone else is following them, or offering a seat (say, to someone older and less able-bodied, or someone carrying stuff).

Now there was the case of a coworker of mine who WAS offended when a male worker offered to help her with boxes. She was doing HER JOB, which she was perfectly capable of doing; he was an office, not warehouse worker -- thus, it was wildly inappropriate.

If a guy nearly breaks his neck flying across the room to open a door for me, yes, it's annoying. Or if a guy yells at me for lighting my own cigarette, it's irritating.

But if he's not being ridiculous, and OFFERS, then I'm not annoyed. If he grabs something away from me, then he's wrong.

If I dont' want the seat, then I'm right to politely decline it, too.

BTW, are you assuming all feminists are women? Why is that? Are you unaware of all the men who accept that women are human beings?

After all, REAL men ARE feminists.

Answer 5

No. The door opening gesture represents, to me, a pleasant and gracious way to solve the everyday problem of 2 strangers approaching a door at once. Both men and women should know who will step a bit faster to get to the door first, and who will go through first. Nice. No biggie.

The bus seat is a little bit silly, to me, unless the woman is heavily laden, older, or pregnant... two similarly fit people should go first come first serve for bus seats. Offering a seat creates an interaction where there was none, which draws attention to the fact that the man was paying attention to the woman, and begs the question why... I mean, it can be awkward and even threatening. In most cases I'd decline and think he was a dork.

Carrying heavy boxes I'd say can be appropriate too, unless of course the woman is obviously stronger or fitter or more suitably dressed than the man. It's awkward and pathetic for, as an example, a middle aged man in a business suit to carry an object for an athletic female college student in sweats. But if there's doubt, it's nicer for a strange man to pitch in, than for him to pretend he does not see her struggling.

I think these "chivalrous" gestures are mainly a social good for both sexes, since they are supposed to be respectful acknowledgment as well as disarmament... a guy who opens a door or carries a box for a woman -- in a gracious, courteous manner **without staring or chatting** -- sends the message, "Yes, I'm bigger and stronger than you, but I put that advantage at your service as a fellow citizen, and I present no threat to you."

Of course, there are some men who give such things a bad name by using them as opportunities to stare or flirt or just get closer, but even that isn't *necessarily* threatening. I think it is more threatening to attractive young women, and that's why they reject it... it can be interpreted as vaguely aggressive, if not done in a super-crisp businesslike manner, and with young attractive women I think men don't pull that manner off as often as they ought...know what I mean? Now that I am in my 30s and married, I find it a lot less intrusive than I used to.

Generally though, I think it's sad that fear of men, justified as "feminism," has gone so far. But not any sadder than the fact that fear of women has reached the point that men have stopped doing these things for their own dates. If she snaps at you, just laugh. I mean ... get over yourselves.

Answer 6

um no it wouldnt i call it as nice as long as the guy thinks we are capeable of being a strong independent woman and i open doors for people guys or girls and im petite so doesnt maytter as long as ur respecting them or just being nice and not thinking them as weak

Answer 7

These are just normal male v female interactions. It would irritate feminists who don't believe that we have animal instincts at all and that all our behaviour has been created by society.

Answer 8

i would probably accept the kindness! why not? im not afraid to need help at times, and i personally think it would be great to have some help every now and then, especially if he is good-looking! :) you can get a lot out of that, like a friendship, or if you run into each other again you may even hook up. who knows! and if someone got the door for me that would be great, and sometimes (depending on my mood) i would either think hes hitting on me or just being polite.

but if i found it embarrasing that i wasnt being a strong enough woman, it shouldnt matter, what are the chances of running into that person again?

Answer 9

Yes, I would be irritated. If I carried it that far, I can carry it the rest of the way. Also, I can open my own door, and I don't deserve that seat more than he does. Common courtesy, I can handle; chivalry, I cannot.

Answer 10

no, men should be expected doing that and not to rape

Answer 11

It depends.  I do a lot of heavy lifting at work, and while I do appreciate it when people offer to help, I worry about some of them.  Some of the men I work with are really out of shape, and I worry that they'll drop the expensive equipment or hurt themselves.  So if the man offering to help is one of my fellow grunts who also schleps equipment around, I'm happy to have the help.  I know they know what they're getting into and they know how to treat electronics.  When the male faculty members offer to help, it makes me nervous.

I've never had anyone get up and offer me a seat on the bus.  I do offer my seat to the elderly, regardless of gender.  And as for holding teh door, that's common courtesy.

Answer 12

No more than if a woman did these things. I'm female, I offer to do these things, and I always hold open doors - everyone should (it's common manners). Only if he made it clear that he thought I couldn't cope *just because* I was female, in which case he is being offensively patronising. Just helping someone is polite.

I wouldn't accept the seat though (man or woman). I wouldn't be offended, it's just I'm perfectly capable of standing on train/subway and other people probably need the seat more than me.

Answer 13

Lol the worst is when you're on a date with a chick... and you don't know if she's a feminist or not.  Should I hold the door open?  Who knows.... If you do and she is one, she'll probably get curt with you... If you don't and she's not one, you look like an a$$.

EDIT:  I'm a little confused too.  With all the hate feminists spew at chilvalry why is it they say they are not offended?  Which is it lol do you hate chivalry or not!