Fiance's Mom Doesn't Like Me?

Question

My fiance and I are engaged and have been together almost 3 years.

My family likes him and initially I believed his family liked me too; however, along the way his mom has made passive aggressive comments towards me, which I have chosen to let go and try to forget about.

We have also lived together for over 2 years and I know that his mom does not approve of this.

Most recently we went on a trip with my fiance's parents for three days and they did not once mention our wedding (asking how the planning is coming, etc.) nor have they provided/offered any financial support to us towards wedding expenses. His mom did say at one time that maybe they would pay for a rehearsal dinner.

So, in the car with his parents and I, my fiance brought up the wedding, to which his mom said things like "have you even set a date" and "I thought your dad was going to pay for it?" (meaning my dad, which I never even said in the first place).

My impression is that they do not want to help with the cost of the wedding. I also feel that deep down she does not think I am good enough for her "baby boy"... I am at odds about this with my fiance because he sometimes won't speak up to his mom and tell her that she is causing a problem because she has emotional ups and downs and he is afraid of upsetting her. I am willing to not ask them for a dime for our wedding but my fiance insists that they want to help and that his parents have never said they don't like me.

Also, we have NEVER asked his parents (or mine) for money or any type of charity. We bought our own house without help from anyone and we both work and drive nice cars and pay for everything on our own. Obviously we don't have money falling out of our butts, but what I am trying to say is that we are hardworking and independent people.

Answer 1

All mothers are possessive about their children be it son or daughter.only thing is that the intensity varies.i think it would have been a surprise only if she has not acted the way she is acting now.Be patient as you are now.If you are really financially independent and do not want any money from any of them make them know it.even you can make efforts and go out of the way to please them rather than finding faults alone.you can do it .all the best

Answer 2

Just start planning the wedding without any expectations from his family, and no matter what, just suck it up and be nice to her no matter how rude she is, or uncaring she may be towards you both. This will make her look worse when she acts this way, plus it will make you look like a great person to have in the family when people see how sweet you are even when someone isn't treating you as they should. Good job for you both being financially dependent, but from what it sounds like you still have a lot of proving to do, and all eyes are on you. Try not to complain to your fiance about his mom, because it will just cause more stress, he can't really control her, she's an adult and he will always be under her. It's one thing if she says things that are clearly rude and directed just to you like "your a ****** and I don't want you to be a part of my family"...then your husband should step in and make it crystal clear to her that he will not have anything to do with her until she sees you for who you are and treats you the same she treats him....but until then you just have to be realistic and know that not all in-law relationships are as peachy as what you see in the movies, for most people it takes time. Time for people to truly trust you, and see the good you have brought to the life of one of their family members.

Answer 3

Sounds like the typical mother & daughter-in-law "dance" to me. The fact is, she should be nicer to you, but she doesn't owe you anything. When you realize that and don't expect it, maybe it will be easier. You've already admitted that she doesn't approve of you living together. As hard as it might be for you to understand this, that is not what she wants for her son. If you had separate places to live she might be more willing to be a part of the wedding plans. However, she probably sees no reason for a wedding because you're already together. Why bother?  

Does this make any sense? You have to put yourself in someone else's shoes to figure out what's going on. Let her be. Be respectful because she is his mother. Be kind. Don't expect anything from her, have the wedding you can afford and if they offer any money......be very gracious and don't act like "it's about time."  You'll endure yourself to her eventually.  

Answer 4

wow, same situation as me..

i been with my bf 3 years, engaged for 2...

i dont get on with his mum atal, i made it clear to my fiance that i dont want nothing to do with her petty comments etc.. so i dont talk to her anymore

might not be that easy for you, but my fiance supports me in my decision.

good luck

Answer 5

this is my advice

who cares...you already impressed the one that matters.

most of my fiances family hates me ( they have absoulty no reason to ) i have ttried and tried to make them like me......one person i could never get threw to is his mother ( who is divorced from his dad) and  she has called me every name in the book hun..

DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOU FOLD!.... trust me.. if you ever show weakness.it makes it worst....

but juss remember this

you have already impressed the one that matters

that has helped me alot!

good luck!

Answer 6

Its the same for me. I have been with my bf for 2 years..engaged for 6 months..and we are getting married next summer. I don't get along with his mother at all. I don't talk to her at all! The last time i spoke to her was a year ago. She is just a *****! My fiance supports me %100 and is on my side. He talks to her like once a month just to say hi..and thats it. I'm pretty sure shes not even going to attend our wedding..which is fine with BOTH of us. I know this sounds bad of me..but she's just a horrible person. I have tried to get along with her but she makes it impossible. And she treats my fiance really bad. She is not a good mother..and she has hurt my fiance sooo bad in the past. So Good Luck!

Answer 7

It sounds like they resent that he's getting married, but if you've been engaged for 3 years, obviously you've been together longer than that, and they should accept it...However, it also seems like they are totally avoiding coughing up any money. They know it costs $, and it sounds like they are just not going to help, or want you to ask them for $, probably so they can say no. Tough cookie, good luck.

Answer 8

forget him support your country and get with a soldier their parents are loving

Answer 9

There are a few issues going on here ..

Firstly, the wedding cost is traditionally paid by the brides family, not groom (groom's family though foots bill for all alcohol & wedding cars), so for the grooms family to have made some commitments in previous discussions with you &/or fiance, then this is a good sign... especially that they do like you to pay for some cost, even if just the 'rehersal dinner', which is a nice gesture.

Other thing, from how you describe, your mother-in-law does not overtly 'dislike' you.. she may be moody & protective of her son, who will marry you, and seems as that day is getting closer, the talk about the wedding is only a constant reminder to her that her 'baby' son (many men are babies ... until they can prove to us women that they no longer need their mothers attention or validation, but instead seek it from their women eg; wives).

Best thing is to simply focus on you & him, no-one else, you sound successful & self sufficient in life, each other is who you really need. Count yourself lucky you don't live next door to her or worse, share a house, like some other cultures do. Good Luck.

Answer 10

just give it time it will work out

Answer 11

we got married almost a year to the day before my sister-in-law.  We were trying to get a guest list from my mother-in-law one afternoon, and she was obsessed with planning my sister-in-law's wedding.  (we weren't "really" getting married. We were just "talking.")  

We proceeded to plan the wedding without her help/blessings. When she finally gave us a guest list, after we had booked a hall that held 198 people, she had over 300 people on it!  Of course, she had to make some drastic cuts (and she was upset with me for not inviting all her friends and family who "weren't going to come anyway")

I've been around for 6 years now, and I feel like I'm sort-of accepted, only because I'm the mother of her grandson.  

Answer 12

She is mad because you are taking away her son.