Fiance's grandmother is an open racist?

Question

Hi, I have searched high and low on this topic. It's a very sticky subject. My fiance and I are engaged and have been for a year and a half. And we are in no rush. But in the back of my mind is how to deal with my fiance's grandmother who is openly racist. I have siblings, nieces and nephews who are all of different race. I am very close with my family and could not very well uninvite them from my wedding. And his grandmother won't change her behaviors for anyone. I would also feel terrible for not inviting her either. I just don't know what to do about this.

Answer 1

One traditional answer to problems like this is to elope, but you shouldn't have to be deprived of your dream wedding because of the attitude of one person.  The previous suggestion. of seating Grandma where she can't see your relatives, is a good one.  Tip off all the ushers to seat her on the front row of the grooms's side, but as far from the center aisle as is feasible.  Then have your other-race family members seated a row or two back on the brides' side.  After all, this is pretty much the usual seating arrangement, anyway--parents and grandparents first, then other family members--so you won't be treating these relatives as second -class.

Another consideration is your fiance's feelings on this matter.   Is he emberrassed by his grandmother's attitude, or is he staunchly behind her?  Since the ushers are probably HIS friends and relatives, it will make things smoother if he agrees with you plan.

Answer 2

You cannot omit her from the list if your fiance wants to invite her. It is good that you are concerned. I wonder how often he expects you to see this grandmother.? I wonder how often there will be large gatherings where she will be with your biracial family?  You need to talk with him about this seriously and give some examples of what might happen. What you learn from this conversation is very important in your relationship and may determine whether you re consider the marriage( also whether his parents are also prejudiced)

Answer 3

Talk to your fiance about this. Definitely let him know how you feel.

Maybe you can arrange for his grandmother to sit far away from your family members at the ceremony. Like, across the room, with lots of tall people in between, where she won't be able to see them. And, at the reception, make sure she sits away from them, too.

It might be a good idea to have your fiance talk to his grandmother. He could tell her how much it means to have her at the wedding, and how much you want your family to be there as well. He should make sure she knows that you don't want your special day ruined by her racism.

Answer 4

HUNNY

SHE

HAS

NOTHING

TO

DO

WITH

YOU

SHES

PROB.

LONELY

AND

MISERABLE

JUST

IGNORE

HER

AND

STAND

UP

FOR

YOUR

SELF

GOOD

LUCK

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Answer 5

Go on with your life and plans and live happily ever after. Just tell everyone that "Granny has dementia"!!!

Then just let the "old crow" go on about her miserable racist life. All that hate will kill her soon enough!

Answer 6

You're marrying your fiance, not his grandmother. Everyone knows she's an old hag. This will be your big day, don't let petty things like that ruin it.

Answer 7

i understand you,i would say invite the jerk to your wedding and people will see her for what she is, A RACIST BIGGOT!

Answer 8

You're not marrying her so what business is it of heres what race your family is.

Traditionally, the bride and the groom's families sit apart during weddings.   Invite her but get somebody from her side of the family to pointedly tell her that grandmother's who make scenes at weddings are the last in line to see great grandchildren.

Of course, if you are feeling particularly mean, make sure that her table at the reception is packed tight with every race under the sun, except her own, and make sure that they are all big strapping lads. That will soon teach her the value of silence.

Answer 9

Older people don't have the same way of looking at the world as we do and their attitudes often reflect the way the world was when they were young. She might come across as racist, but surely she has some basic manners and wouldn't act that way around people you love on the most important day of your life?

There's no way you should not invite members of your family, but you can't not invite grandma either, as you'll be starting your marriage by splitting up a family rather than joining two families together. What's the story with your fiance's parents and siblings? Can they not have a word with the old bat and tell her she has to behave and show some respect to your family?

Go and organise ur wedding day, invite who you like and make it clear that grandma has to behave. Give her a few more years and she'll be dead anyways, so there's really no point in making a big deal and causing a family split.  

Answer 10

do you want to marry his grandmother?

Answer 11

Ok i am not getting married but if i was in this situation, i would either go to a place with her and talk about it. and if you feel more comfortable with it, then ask your fiance to sit with you. and if that doesn't work, then just be nice to her. and show her that nobody should be a judged by the color of their skin. and if you want to, find one of those  shows where they turn africans white, whites africans, and see is she would treat them differently. that is the best i can give you.

Answer 12

That's a tough one.  My grandfather was a huge racist, and it was very embarrassing.  But I told everybody I knew that was going to be around him that he was and that I didn't reflect his opinions.  Is it possible for your fiance to talk to his grandmother and ask her to hold her tongue for  just one day because she would ruin his wedding?  If she is going to be openly hostile to any children I would say you should not invite her, if it is just adults that you are worried about warn them that she is ignorant and you have no control over her.  

Maybe you can a special seating area that says "Racists Only"  with just one chair.   I wonder if she would take a seat there. (joking, I know this is serious)

I'm sorry, that is a horrible situation.  Good luck.

Answer 13

That is a sticky situation. Maybe there is an understanding relative that can sit with grandmother and keep her focus elsewhere and maybe agree to take her home if she is rude.

Answer 14

It's YOUR day, YOUR wedding and you can't let someone like your fiance's grandmother ruin it. Since it is in fact, your wedding, everyone in your family should definitely go. Tell your fiance the problem and have him deal with it. He should be stressing over it, not you. But if he wants to invite her, make sure he doesn't just ignore the problem and that he has done something about it like having a talk with her. You have more important things to worry about.

Answer 15

The sad reality is no one is going to change Grandma. You can however, prepare your family for how she is. I suggest seating your family all together on the opposite side of the reception hall and limit contact with Grandma.

Unless she has a role in the ceremony do not invite her to the rehearsal or the dinner after. You need your future husband to have a serious conversation. she doesn't have to like your family, but she does have to behave herself in a civilized manner.

it is a shame to have someone like that around, but keep her appearance minimal

I hope it all works out

Answer 16

I've been there, my dad is latino and my mom is white, and most of my mom's side are pretty ignorant, more conservative-style whites (Italian no less, put it that way, and they aren't the brightest crayons in the box). Most of my closest friends are hispanic, and the ones who aren't are asian or black. Add to the fact most of the people who are attracted to me are black and racially mixed. Its not that I don't like white people, its just hard to be friends with them because in my own experience they aren't open to anyone outside their little cliques. My mom's family considers me white despite the fact my latino side has African and Native blood simply because I look more like my mom and I look white.

I recently invited my best friend (who is full Puerto Rican) to a little family get-together for my 21st birthday (well actually THEY invited him because I didn't want to expose him to my "family"). While they were nice to him, I still feel that air of uncomfortable atmosphere, given I made sure they didn't come out with any stupid comments. But they've said things to other people before and its embarrassing to say the very least.

In my case I pretty much disowned them and the only time and reason I visit is for money on holidays. I want nothing to do with them otherwise. I would say don't invite his grandmother because you don't need any drama. Keep the good open minded people and keep the bigots away.  

Answer 17

I would say (unless your husband to be has a huge problem with it) is to NOT invite her.  If she throws a hissy (which she probably will) Sit her down and tell her the truth; that she is a bitter and ignorant woman and her destructive attitude and behavior is not something you two want on YOUR special day.  if she cannot promise to step it down, refuse to let her come.  Maybe that will change her ways.  If not, on the up-side...she'll be dead soon enough.

Answer 18

Best solution is not to have her there at all; why risk your important day? She is a bitter old lady and should be taken out for shopping and lunch that day (enlist someone who won't mind missing the wedding) and not even invited. She is to be avoided at all costs, esp around your own family.

Answer 19

Speak about this with your fiance. If she insists on keeping her racist beliefs, fine, but make it perfectly clear to her that you do not agree with her, and that you love your family members regardless of race, and she's only welcome at the wedding if she keeps her views to herself.