Hello All,
I never thought in a million years I would be put in this awful, terrible situation & it's not like I'm a young, teenage mother, I'm in my mid-30's waited forever to meet the right man because I put my career first, etc.
Anyway, my fiance went on a supposed business trip 3 weeks ago, the weekend of July 26th...the week prior he was sweet to me, being a good father, good partner, etc. but then the night before he picked a fight with me over something very petty, it raised red flags, I didn't know why all of a sudden he was agitated but he said he had to pack soon for his trip, he needed to go, he didn't have time b/c he always had to take care of our baby. I work 40 plus hours a week struggling & supporting my entire family, esp here in the San Francisco Bay Area -- which in this economy is even a more expensive place to live...he on the other hand is a professional musician, who's work is understandably not as steady, so we came upon the agreement that he would watch her during the day while I worked & saved up to get some decent daycare or at least a reliable baby sitter, that was at least the plan & I only returned to work like in late March, so technically, he had only been with her for 4 months while I had almost taken 6 months of leave -- I have very good benefits b/c I have a government job)...anyway, he was itching to "get back into being a real musician" so he got word that he could get some good work in Vegas through an industry friend...he planned a trip out there to meet up with his music connection to talk business & on the trip...but, devastatingly & sadly, I found out via MySpace emails (he accidently left on our SHARED computer while he was in a rush to go to Vegas -- it didn't really SHUT DOWN all the way) again that July 26th weekend, that he was really going back there to see some random 25 year old woman he met who actually LIVES with his friend's brother -- he had JUST MET her b/c his first trip was July 4th weekend -- he told me he had to meet all these people & was too busy even to bother going out, etc. etc. (I feel so stupid now for believing all his lies but he had made me feel guilty saying that I & the baby were suffocating him, he needed to go out and "tour again"...anyway, he said he felt stifled b/c we needed him to take care of us & be there for us -- which I don't understand b/c when you have a kid I thought it was just automatic that you knew already that you just do NOT come first -- the baby does b/c she needs us & is so helpless) ... it' s just all so sordid...also, basically, he also took my ATM card on this trip too b/c he had lost his (from our joint account) & so, I gave it to him just in case he needed cash. I in the meantime, I had my baby's 9 month old check-up the next day & b/c I work all the time, I didn't get a chance to get extra cash out of the bank (again, he had my ATM card for supposedly getting groceries for the house, doing errands, while I'm at work, getting gas, etc. ) I told him I just needed some cash for the pediatrician visit co-pay, also, just in case if needed money for the weekend, etc. but he just YELLED at me saying, why am I so helpless all the time, etc. When this is a joint account we share & also, he was the one who LOST the ATM card, so now it was my fault I couldn't get money out of our account? He told me just to walk into the bank in the morning instead & get some money out even though I told him my dr.'s appt. is early in the morning...*sigh*...completely awful, jerky behavior, I know...
Anyway, to make this long story short...this man, this man that I supported for almost over 2 and half years, who made me feel guilty for even taking like $20 for the week, so I can get to work on PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION & then I would also just eat cup o' soup all the time for lunch...this man I put on my health plan, this man who I let handle my money so he didn't feel like he was worthless & less of a provider, this man who takes care of a little baby, this man who promised that we would get married soon, as soon as he gets more money from all these new "gigs" he has lined up...the first time out of the gate, leaving town, he goes alone on a business trip...he CHEATS ON ME, with someone who is just (I know this is a decent forum so I'm going to keep the language clean here but there are some choice words that you can think of when you read my description ) but she is a woman with completely no values, she's basically a hanger onner...she doesn't respect herself, or her body, she again, lives at his friend's brother's house & basically, she the kind of woman that drapes herself & calls herself a "model" at car shows & wears little to next to nothing ...or hands out flyers on the strip for different events, like car washes or BBQ JOINTS!!! I couldn't believe it!!!! I am SOOOO the exact opposite of this woman, as I was reading the emails...first of all I was so livid b/c they kept going over what they did to each other the night he had the one night stand & then he carried on this conversation with her, planning to meet her for a WHOLE MONTH under my nose, emailing her either late at night when I was asleep (he must've slipped out of bed with me & went to the computer to email her) or in the wee hours of the morning...then coming in bed to me...it's just horrible...I feel so disgusted that he touched me...that he touched my baby after being with this woman who can be considered basically, a piece of trash...if I hadn't found those emails/ if he hadn't inadvertently left the computer on then he would have kept on seeing her, too...which just HURTS the most...
More over, I was for once in my life trying to build a life around a man who I thought truly loved me & especially since we have this beautiful baby girl...she's truly beautiful & special...
Anyway, I had called him @ his hotel that weekend of July 26th told him I knew what was up...then told him I was leaving with the baby or either he had to leave our place...
AS of now, this day, I decided right now to give up the apartment b/c I couldn't afford it on my own (again, he would make some money, so he would at least help out a little) & now, am in the process of truly being a single mom, trying to figure out what my next step should be...I am devastated again by this b/c I felt like it came out of no where...he in turn wants to BLAME ME, like I caused him to cheat...b/c he said, after I had the baby, I was tired all the time (duh? I just had a person taken out of my body!) That I didn't take much time to put make-up on my face anymore or look pretty for him (we would mostly again be @ home taking care of the baby...after a long day at work, I wanted to just chill, put my sweats on & if anything, he would just want me to take care of our daughter as soon as I stepped in the door, after I hadn't taken my jacket off or bag down or changed into something more comfortable, etc.)...it's just crazy, so selfish...I was trying to be understanding but I had to make him understand that working all day then coming home to take care of the baby was making me exhausted & sometimes I just wasn't in the mood but even when I was in the mood to be romantic...he b/c he had no money, would be cheap & want to stay in all the time (which is fine with me, I'm not a fancy girl, just as long as we spend time together) but he would still complain that I didn't look dressed up enough or pretty enough for him...then I started just keeping my work clothes on but it still he had a litany of complaints about other things...laundry not being done, sometimes I missed vaccuuming a couple of weekends, etc. but I told him, I NEEDED his help around the house too...besides taking care of the baby, it wouldn't hurt him to wash a dish or two or clean the bathroom after himself or even do his own laundry...he just had UNREALISTIC expectations from me...he basically wanted me to be SUPERWOMAN...
Anyway, this can go on & on & I'm basically, stuck in a hole right now b/c I still have a month's rent I owe (he had used some of that money on that Vegas trip!) & now he says now he can't of course, afford to help me with it but can pay me back later...he also said that he wants to help raise the baby but again, since I kicked him out, he's financially strapped & has to look for someplace to live himself, etc.
It's so crazy ... again, he is not the same man I met two years ago or even a year ago, he was sweet to me back then, he took care of me, by taking me to all my OB/GYN appts. etc. Where is that man? I mean I'm not a materialistic person, I would have been happy taking care of him for the rest of my life, as long as he TREATED ME WELL & RESPECTED ME. I don't know who I am dealing with now at all at the moment...he's being mean to me even after he's caught cheating on me...just terrible, awful & ugly & all I ask is that he be civil towards me b/c I still want to work it out b/c he is the father of my baby & I really want her to know her father as she gets older...
My heart is wrenching...I'm scared right now & I'm living temporarily at my my mom's place but again, I'm saving up for the next few months to start fresh & new...
HOW do I GET PAST this devastating betrayal & get over this hurdle of HURT in my heart? I am hurting so much b/c I did love this man deeply & I truly thought we were going to grow old together...he is a good father to my baby girl but I can't live with him, letting my daughter grow-up or see a man cheating on a woman this way & think it's normal - "Poppa is a Rolling Stone" is not a song I live by nor is it normal -- it's dysfuntional. Anyway, our last conversation he was angry b/c he said I shouldn't have been rash & kicked him out, that I should have waited for him to come home & we could have talked & worked it out but I told him those emails were pretty brutal to me...just reading all of them & how they carried on with each other (and the suggestive pictures she sent him) were enough...the horrible thing is the moral-less tramp KNEW I was in the picture & KNEW I had a baby too...well, he's moral-less too b/c HE SHOULD HAVE HAD US IN our heart...
How do I start over again? I have my family to help me out a little again & I think financially will be okay for now & people keep telling me I'm better off without him...but EMOTIONALLY, I'm really not doing okay...I rarely let a lot of people into my private life & esp. with men, I have always been weary or conservative about it...I'm a late bloomer for sure & when I finally found this man, I really though I had found a gem...but I was wrong & right now, I feel like I'm such a failure...that I can't trust anyone ...that I lacked some gene in finding good characterisics in men or do I think so low of myself that I would allow someone like this in my life but again, as I said in the beginning he was so wonderful & perfect to me & then I guess the baby changed everything & he got scared of the responsibility of it all & instead of breaking up with me face to face & just tell me...he just does this & cheats on me with some random woman...
I don't know ... I feel so lost & abandoned right now...I have tried to talk to a counselor once but they are so expensive, etc. I'm embarrassed to tell the knitty gritty details of all this to friends & family b/c I always told them that this man was wonderful & perfect to me...only my family knows right now about all this & they only know the basics ...none of my friends really know I'm even moving out or that we've broken up...
Again, I'm not holding up very well but I'm trying to be strong for my daughter...
Has anyone out there been through this where they GOTTEN OUT of this emotional pit??? Again, I know I'm doing the right thing for me & my daughter leaving him since he's done this to me but I guess, I miss the thought of that family & the security & I'll admit it, the fact I had a man to come home to at least, call me a fool...and you can call me crazy too but I still love the guy too b/c despite this wicked thing he's done to me last month...he on the flipside, did so many wonderful things for me & the baby & we shared so many wonderful memories as a family in the past...
Basically, this relationship is one sided most definitely & I'm coming to grips that I just gave too much into this relationship & that I let him get away from not doing things...
How do I cope? How can I get past the pain? He wants to see his daughter & hang out more, etc. but since we're not married, how do I make it more formal/ legal etc. in regards to custody...
Sorry for using this forum for such a heavy duty situation but I'm willing to hear any CONSTRUCTIVE advice...
Thanks for taking the time to read all this & please pray for me & my baby...
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