Fiance doesn't want to invite sister to wedding cuz he's embarrassed by her, I think it's a mistake

Question

My fiance's sister is 19 and 2 months ago had a baby out of wedlock. She is unemployed and not doing nothing about it. The baby's daddy is an 'ex-con loser' as my fiance refers to it. She moved in in with their (my fiance's) dad and goes out and parties at night and is showing no signs of getting her life together. The baby was taken away by social services in the first week and the story as to why is a bit fuzzy, but she sees it during the day. My fiance had a long talk w/her about the importance of being safe and waiting until she was ready to have kids about 2 months before she got pregnant. He is currently furious with her and her behavior.

We are getting married in Dec. My fiance used to be close to his sister but is very upset with her recent choices. He says he doesn't want her to come to the wedding. Their grandpa doesn't know about the baby yet and he doesn't want this revealed at our wedding. I guess he'd feel differently if she was attempting to get her life together, but even with a baby, she isn't. The thing is, I think he'll regret not inviting her and potentially destroy their relationship permanently by not inviting her. His other sister got pregnant at 15 and he was very upset then too, but it's been 5 years and she has her life together and takes care of her family. He got over his other sister's behavior and at least this sister was over 18 and graduated high school at the time. I understand he's disappointed and upset, but I don't think we have the right to judge her that harshly. Should I push for him to reconsider?

Answer 1

He is right in his own way but as u are becoming a part of his family,u too are right in helping them to get over their differences which i think on yr part is great very few people think on these lines go ahead and help out also talk to the sis to reorganize her life Help her see the future She will be thankful to u in the end

Answer 2

h**l yeah! (h**l is a place, I can say that)

Family's still family.

You might need each other in like 50 years =(

Answer 3

i strongly strongly admire your guy for his standards and values.  hooray for him.  your sisters have created a 'family tradition' embracing for some reason the 'baby mama' culture.  

tell gramps.  and invite everyone to your wedding.  you both will be so busy you wont have time to deal with them, and it is the right thing to do.  

his own, and your own lifestyle choices and the way you live are and will be in the future powerful influences on them and their futures.  if you choose to punish, as glitter said, you risk damaging relationships for many years.  glitter gave you the best advice.  

Answer 4

i think that garnet glitter is absolutely correct. your wedding has nothing to do with her pregnancy and behavior. using it to punish her will only cause confusion and resentment. grandpa should be told about the baby BEFORE the wedding (you have 4 months ahead of time) and then all family should be welcome on your big day.

conditional love doesn't cure anything--it only begets behavior that will get him to shut up about the issue. your fiance should focus more on providing support and assistance in helping his sister get herself together rather than condemning her for her actions. i assume that your fiance's father doesn't have any role to play in this situation?

Answer 5

Well currently if he feels that way about his sister, having her there may only upset him on a day where he needs to be happy.  Keep an extra seat for her and let it play out over time.  You still have a few months that he may calm and change his mind.  But that choice on whether she comes is his.  

Answer 6

I agree with Jonny and your HTB.

By inviting her, it would be a reward for her own bad behavior and bad choices. Any other mom would be taking care of the baby and she doesn't need to be out in parties and probably make an spectacle of herself on your wedding.

Your wedding is about your fiance and you and not about her and her trashy drama. Everyone would be commenting about her jail bird baby pappa, the social services incident, her unemployment and her parasitic life.

I wouldn't invite that tramp to my wedding either!

Good luck

Answer 7

Yes, you should push him to reconsider.

Since when are weddings a "stage" to only invite those that we approve of?  I'm sure at every wedding that are many guests with "skeletons in their closet" so to speak, and they are still invited.

I agree with your reasoning that....not inviting her....will potentially destroy their relationship permanently.  I soooo agree.  I think it WILL destroy the relationship.

Ok...so she used bad judgment and is not the perfect "model citizen."  She is STILL his sister and deserves to be a guest at the wedding.

Please talk to your fiance.

Answer 8

I would talk to him about it once- and ask him if in a few years time if she gets her life together will he regret not inviting her?

Than leave it at that. Ultimately, it's his decision so just talk to him about your concerns without pressuring him.

Answer 9

you should say what you said here, and then let him descide wheter your rigth or wrong, afterall it may still be the rigth choise now, because rigth now he is highly upset and he migth not enjoy the day as much if she is there and stress him out

Answer 10

I completely understand what your fiancee is going through. And i don't think you need to push it he doesn't need to come to terms with her because she is a F*ck up! I mean her choices are obviously very very bad ones and her being like this can mean she will probably get drunk and do things at the wedding that will upset him. Time will heal all wounds if he doesn't want her there don't push it. CONGRATS!

Answer 11

I wouldn't push him into it if I were you.  No one should have to invite someone to their wedding that they don't want there. Whether that is family or otherwise.  She has a few months to sort herself out, one more on the day will not make much difference if he changes his mind by then.  The most important thing is that you two do not fall out over it, respect his feelings and enjoy the day. I doubt if she will be bothered if she goes or not, nor that he would be likely to regret it if she is not there - men don't tend to put the same importance on this sort of thing than women do.  All the best to you both.

Answer 12

By inviting her he is joining her circle of enablers.

People who constantly s***w up without any regard for the consequences of their actions do not deserve the support of their family and friends.

If we were talking about a girl who just had a string of hard luck, I would say, "Be supportive".  But this is someone who will constantly return to the gutters of life if she is not made aware of the consequences of her actions.

Answer 13

No one's wedding is a tool to punish a family member over behavior one doesn't approve of, unless that behavior is totally outrageous and has/will cause harm to another...your fiance is wrong in this.....it is also wrong not to tell grandpa about the baby....he's a grown man and doesn't need to be protected from the news...and I'm sure he'll be asking why that sister isn't there.....suppose you rather get caught in a lie over her absence than tell grandpa what happened. In my mind, the deception and ostracizing the sister is far worse than havng the baby....good luck.