Fiance has TWO other daughter, PLEASE HELP!?

Question

I am 24 and my fiance is 29. We have had the most beautiful relationship and I can not explain how good he is to me. He has a daughter from a previous relationship that ended. He loves her very much and so do I. Her mother has moved on and has a boyfriend and I have accepted this situation for my future.

The thing IS,.. right before we met he had a fling with a woman and a year later she comes into our life and tells him she had his daughter. It has been months since we found out but it is still SO hard for me when he needs to talk to the mom and she asks him to send clothes/shoes to his daughter. I have no children and I feel sad that I want to start a life with the man I love and I have to include all these other people into the package. What is wrong with me that whenever he wants to do something for the little girl it is hard for me. She is a beautiful 'mistake' baby and I just have this awful feeling that I want to have these kids with MY HUSBAND. Advice??? Input?? I love him...

Answer 1

you're not the only one who has difficulty accepting step children.  What you feel is normal.  This wasn't what you planned for yourself.  This isn't how you envisioned your life.

Acknowledge your disappointment, mourn the loss of your fantasy and accept the children as a permanent part of your reality.  If you are not able to do this then your relationship will not last.  You'll wind up making yourself and him miserable until you finally break up.

So if he's worth it and you can't imagine your life without him in it, then work on accepting his reality as your reality or move on.

Good Luck.

Answer 2

OH POOR YOU.YOU ARE THE BIGGEST BABY OF THEM ALL. SELFISH!

The only ugly mistake is you.

You are one dumb a.s.s to get involved with a man with baggage first of all.Then to want to add more kids to the situation.

Grow up. He will have other flings and more kids get 4 jobs to help support them now! And get tested....

Answer 3

its very hard to be a step parent especially when ur not ready.  i think the problem u have is that this guy keeps on having woman popping up telling him they have kids by him. i think that was a red flag from the start. what makes it worse is that he cheated on u w/ this woman. a fling is still cheating my dear and he obviously has no respect for u otr very little.

u need to take some time alone for urself to think about what u want in life, what makes u happy, & the goals u want in life. it  could be about anything. dont let anything hold u back. during ur time alone u need to decide what u are going to do so that ur life will be happy.

u need to ask urself do u want a readymade family? can u love these children as ur own? can u overlook the fact that he cheated on u and had a baby w/ somone else? can i trust him? does he love me for me or does he love me because he doesnt want to be alone or because i am a good mother figure for his kids? can i see him being the father to my children? etc.

solution

u are 24 yrs old. never been married and no kids. i think the best thing for u is to find someone that is loiving and honest that doesnt have kids and has never been married. this guy has alot of baggage and he has some isues to deal w/. he cheated on u and plus had a baby w/ the other woman and he has 2 kids by 2 different woman. u can do beter than this. those are his kids they are not urs. i know this is hard but if u stay w/ him u are seting urself up for heartache. u need to think about this.what makes u think he wont cheat on u in the future or leave u for one of his baby mamas? its not worth it.u need to realize he's damaged goods.  

Answer 4

Been there done that. And I felt just like you, only thing with me is I also had two daughters from a previous marriage. He loves my girls more than his own, His ex made life for us  almost impossible. She turned his daughter against her father every chance she got. . They don't even speak . There wasn't one thing that I did for his daughter that was right or appreciated so finely I stopped trying. I Hope you'll never have to go through what I did. The mother is the one who  ruined a good thing for his daughter, all because of jealousy. Good Luck.Advice just take a day at a time, and do the best you can with what you have.   EDIT:: Dear KK if you don't have step children you have no idea what your talking about, so please keep your illadvise to your self. You really have no idea It is not the BRADY BUNCH.

Answer 5

Sweetie if you're not mature or selfless enough to willingly be a part of this man's childrens' lives, you need to move on. The children are a package deal and if you can't handle it, then this marriage is doomed before it even started.

Answer 6

Oh NOOOOOO your definitely not the only one. I had 2 step daughters that I tried so hard for 20  years to be their "friend" I never tried to be their mother. Thats the most important thing, dont try to be their mother, just their friend ...but in the same sense, dont let them be little you or try to get between  you and your husband, I feel bad for you that you have 2 women to deal with. Im afraid they are the ones who are going to make it bad for you. I was lucky, my husbands ex, didnt really care..and left us alone..she only called when she HAD TO, or in an emergency, otherwise, she just droped them off and picked them up without incident...but still one of the girls grew up to resent and dislike me. I still dont know why??

Answer 7

Honey, go to therapy and do it ASAP. I'm not kidding here.

What you are going through is very hard and many people will not understand you. But I can tell you that you have to deal with this NOW before you get married. If you don't deal with all these feelings, and you go ahead and get married, you will suffer a lot and you will be very miserable. Trust your instincts.

You are a nice girl... and I'm sure your fiance know this.

But are you really, really sure you know what you are getting into?

Unfortunately, he HAS made choices that will affect both him and you...and you cannot ignore these facts. You cannot pretend these kids do not exist; nor can you pretend their mothers do not exist either.

.........................................

You will have to deal with the fact that if you love him, you will have to accept him- and the price of his mistakes- as well. And this is not an easy thing to do. Not everyone is ready to step into a marriage with this kind of baggage to deal with.

He will have to understand how you feel ...and he will have to accept it if you realize you cannot deal with this. Honesty is important here. It is your life and future what is at stake. DO NOT ignore your gut feelings. You will be sorry if you do. Take your time and do not marry this man anytime soon. Heed this warning...Things happen for a reason.

Good luck. Seek help.

Answer 8

I find that sad.  My hubby has two kids with his ex, and I have mine with my ex.  We are a FAMILY.  Love has a way of expanding.  It has no rules, or limits.  You need to find it in yourself to realize that.  Otherwise your gonna have a bumpy road with you husband to be.    what man wants to be with a woman that cant find it in her heart to love a child?  If my man, (before we got married) expressed the lack of feelings to a child of mine, he neva woulda walked back in my front door.

I think your issue has nothing to do with the child, but more to do with the ex.