Fiance has teenage daughter who's mom died. I have wedding concerns and need advice.

Question

My fiance has a 17 year old daughter who he has had joint custody with since she was 2. Her mom left the marriage when she was a baby and she never knew her parents together. Well, the mom died last year of cancer. Now the teen spends most of the time at the stepdad's house with her 2 younger siblings and sometimes at my fiance's house.

I know she likes me, but is not overly warm. She is a quiet almost shy girl, but is popular. She is a teenager about to be a senior so she does not really want to be around any adults at this point.

We told her we got engaged several months ago and the response was "that's nice" and nothing else. We had to ask if she wanted to see the ring. She glanced away from her myspace page long enough to take a peek and that was it.

I so badly want to share with her and be closer and have her take a part in the wedding in a manner she is comfortable. It is hard to know my boundaries with her. Since her mom died it is all a bit weird.

I have not brought it up again because I do not want her to feel uncomfortable. My finace mentioned it and got no reaction.

I am not sure what to do now. I was hoping she would want to be a part and am open to having her be a bridesmaid or for her to stand on her dad's side.

What should I do?

Perhaps she wants to just attend as a guest?

My mom remarried shortly after my dad died, I was 19, and I was furious and refused to attend. I showed up at the end of the wedding, drunk with a few sorority sisters ( immature ,I know,but that was a long time ago) So I feel Ihave to tread lightly.

Any advice?

Answer 1

You need to keep pushing for a lunch together.

Teenagers are emotional and bitchy, she sounds like the type who is involved in her "teenage" life. Which is totally normal. It is hard to lose a parent, I am 21 and my mum died a few months ago suddenly. She is still going through A LOT.

You need to talk to her about how much she wants to be involved. TELL HER that you WANT her involved. Be open and honest.

Answer 2

Well, as you know its a hard road when you lose a parent while you are young..and her circumstances are different in the aspect of her mother and father never being together. My guess is that she is feeling as though she doesnt know if she is here or there with living with the step dad.

My mum died when i was 13, dad remarried about 3 years later and I hated the thought of it. It was dad who talked to me in the end when i was reblling against the step mother. His words to me were " I loved your mum and will always love your mum, I miss your mum so much even though Ive met colleen and found companionship again...all i ask of you is that you be happy for me and accept *** (stepmum) as part of my life."  

When i realised I was affecting my dads happiness i saw it all in a new light and although i was never "close" with her we were still friends which made life a lot easier.

Maybe the issue here is the relationship between father and daughter, and she could see you as another "interference" sorry i know that sounds harsh but its a reality...

Maybe you could talk to your fiance about it and see if he can get her to open up ??

Answer 3

Take her out to lunch and shopping and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you would like to be closer to her, and you know that it is tough because her mom died. Ask her how she feels about you and her dad getting married. Tell her that you aren't looking to take her mom's place.

Tell her that you are very excited to be marrying her father, and that you would like for her to be involved. Tell her you and her dad would love for her to be a bridesmaid. Offer her a couple of things to do and ask her if she would like to choose something, or if there is anything she would be interested in doing. Tell her she doesn't have to pick right then, but you need to know in a couple of weeks so you can start planning.

If she is quiet anyway, it's going to be tough. My niece is so quiet, I can barely get three words out of her. Just be patient and keep talking to her, but without harassing her about it.

Well, if she won't go out with you, make a girls' day breakfast. Pancakes or something she likes. Then sit down and have a talk with her. Some weekend morning (or afternoon as some teenagers get up) should work.

Answer 4

You can not force a relationship on his daughter but you can make it clear to her that you will be there if ever she needs you...She will come around All you can do is love her and show her that you care..Are you including her in your wedding?

Answer 5

She lost her mom last year and now she probably feels she's losing her dad................to you. You need to sit down and have a talk with her and tell her exactly how you feel about everything. Her dad, her mom dying, the wedding, her and life as her new step mom. It is the uncertainty that is probably troubling her most. Be sure she understands that you are not trying to take her moms place

Answer 6

Give her a few years to come around, she's 17 and probably wasn't that into the details about her own mother's life!

Ask her if she would like to be a bridemaid or would she prefer to be a guest at the wedding?   Even if she is interested in being a bridesmaid, if she is shy, she would not want to risk rejection &/or doesn't want you to feel obligated to say yes.

Don't tread softly, just normally.  She probably feels your trepidation but doesn't know you well enough yet to understand where you/it is coming from.

Answer 7

Hi.  You are very observant and knowledgeable (from your own experience), so treading lightly is called for.

Perhaps you can invite her out to lunch.  Try to feel her out.  Tell her "Missy, I am sure you really miss your mom.  There is NO ONE who can take her place.  Please know that I am not trying to take her place.  I was wondering how you feel about your dad and I getting married and if you would want to participate in the wedding.  I would love to have you as a bridesmaid....or stand next to your dad....whatever you feel comfortable with.  So, let me know how you would feel about being a part of our wedding."  

I am sure she is missing her mom.  I feel bad for her.  She is at a very rough age.  I am sure she is happy for you and not resentful...it's more that she misses her mom.  Perhaps your fiance can speak with her also.  This is a time when she will need both of you (even if she doesn't realize it now.)  

You are very kind to seek advice before doing anything.  Good luck to you and I hope everything works out for you and her.  

I hope your wedding is a beautiful day!

Answer 8

Maybe have an all girl day and go shopping with her....while shopping casually bring up the subject and ask her what her thoughts are...let her know that you care about her and would love for her to be a part of all that is going on...then ask her again how she might feel about this...go from there. Even if you just leave things open for her to respond, at least you are trying and still letting her know that she is important (even if she may not want to be). Maybe she would love to help pick out her dress for the occasion...maybe by just 'shopping' together and spending some time together she may warm up to the idea...But I agree that you wouldn't want to come off as overbearing, pushy, or even demanding....I feel that you may just have to go slow and just 'feel' your way through this with her....

Answer 9

all i can say is treat her the way you would want to be treated if your mother just died be compassionate  toward her shes probably feeling very alone let her know your there for her if she needs but don't smoother her good luck

Answer 10

I think that it's lovely that you want a relationship with her. I've been a step-daughter before and I have to say in the beginning you're very hesitant because you're not sure if this person is going to think they're your mother or overstep your boundaries. Perhaps her reaction is due to not being entirely sure where she'll fit into your 'new' life. Both you and your fiance need to make it clear that you want to form a family. It doesn't have to be nuclear, but it should be functional. Including her in the wedding planning and the ceremony itself is a good way to demonstrate this, but I also liked the suggestions that you try and plan outings with her, get to know her not as your fiance's daughter but just as a friend. There's no guarantee that she'll be thrilled about your attempts, but if you can say that you at least made them, I don't think you'll have any trouble sleeping at night.Good luck.

Answer 11

I'm guessing her non-interest has more to do with her missing her mom than not liking you.  She probably hasn't really mourned properly at that age just because kids really don't know how to handle death.  While she probably likes you, she may be trying to save her moms space so no one can take that over.  I would be especially kind and listen, listen, listen.  I would tell her again how much you would love her to be in the wedding and tell her it is her choice and she can think it over and let you know by the end of the week if she wants to do it. That way she can never say you didn't include her.  Teens are hard anyway,  I have 3.  But this girl is the product of divorce, death of a parent, dealing with a step parent, and now a new step parent.  It's a lot forr anyone to deal with.

Answer 12

You seem to have your head screwed on straight, and understand that she is 17, she lost her mother, shes a teenager probably most interested in her friends, and shes balancing between 2 households. Your approach seems good. I would straight out ask her if she wants to be in the wedding or not. She might appreciate your candor. Give her a few options (bridesmaid, *groomsmaid*, regular guest) and if she doesnt respond right away just say "Well you can think about it!"

Later on, you can gauge her interest in the event and if she shows any interest at all, get her involved with anything.  

Answer 13

i think you should tell her that you are not trying to replace her mom. you want to be her friend. and for the ceremony have a candle with her moms name on it. get her a locket with her moms pic in it and reassure her that you understand what she is going through.